Dreamy

I kind of wonder what I'm going to do next year. If I think about it, I'm packing in a lot. I want to take seven classes. Six of them are required for me to take apparently, and I want to take journalism. If I do get a zero period (it isn't official yet, I still have to make an appointment with my counselor) that means I'll be waking up earlier in the morning for class then, which also means less time to mess around and less time to sleep. I also want to continue with Octagon, trying to participate in all the events, stay after school to help out, go out to all the games and cheer on people with the others. I was even thinking about trying for an officer position next year, thanks to Theodore's encouraging words. Of course, journalism and Octagon seems like it'll be taking a lot of my time. Next year I'm not planning to take dance class anymore, so that won't be a problem, and thankfully I quit piano class a long time ago (mainly because I realized piano really wasn't my thing). However, I have Chinese school and art class on Saturdays. I learned this year that lots of the events take place on Saturdays, like the Cherry Blossom Festival and Beach Clean-Up. I don't want to miss out especially on those two!
Naturally, I won't be glad if I don't get a zero period, either. I was really happy that I got chosen to be part of the staff amongst the others. It made me feel like I was worthy enough to be graced with a spot. Which brings me upon cross country in my mind.
When I was in cross country, the thought always came to me. "Why am I here? Was it because my friends begged me to? Was it because I wanted to hang out with my friends who I can't even keep up with? Was it because I had nothing else to do? Was it because I liked to run? What was my reason of being here?" My parents already have been giving me the feeling that I wouldn't be staying. I sucked, frankly speaking. Why did I continue to go every morning? And now, why do I feel a strange feeling of dread to go back there? My mind has been conflicting for a while. Would I go to cross country summer training or not? It seemed like a waste of time and waste of effort to me. I'm not good, I improve slowly, if hardly. I just wake up every morning to greet an elongated jog around town and the hammering of my chest. On the other hand, it's good to get some exercise. I sometimes run around the neighborhood (I confess that that isn't often, you can hardly consider it a monthly run) which is nice, it's stress free and relaxing. No one to pulls you over your limits and no one to watches you walk as they run past you saying, "Good job, guys", and you can't even respond because you just feel like you're about to die any second. But not being pushed isn't particularly good, though. You can sloth around all you want then, you'll never get better, and there's really no point that you even stepped out the door. There's no benefit besides that you feel good about yourself for a minute and then the moment you get back home, it's back to being a couch potato. And so the two sides of me clash. To go or not to go, that is the question?
When I scan up the page, I honestly wonder about my train of thought. It all seems to ramble on and the topic changes constantly. I confuse myself sometimes. In my writing and in my life. What do I even want to do, I wish I knew?