Warmth

Mood: happy; neutral; thoughtful
Currently: still pretty much doing nothing but talking on AIM
Listening to: Tabi no Tochuu --Kiyoura Natsumi

Random, but not random thought (but actually it is random . . .), you know what I missed about childhood the most? No, it's not the stress-less days, with small bits of homework and easy tests, somehow it isn't anyways. And no, it's not recess, those few minutes of playing and being carefree. I don't miss the days where I would use my blanket to make a tent to hide under with my sister, and then share the cookies I stole from the pantry. I don't miss those times where I cut the cardboard boxes so that they looked like a castle. And I don't mourn for the days where I'd pretend the apple decorations hanging on the Christmas tree were real and collect them from the branches, then hide them on the limbs again to find later. Actually, what I truly miss about childhood are those feelings of being under someone's wing. At night, my mother would always tuck me into bed, kiss me on the forehead and tell me to have sweet dreams. And when I had a bad dream, I would selfishly wake up my father, and he would lie next to me in bed, stroking my hair until I fell asleep. Warmth, comfort, security, sometimes I feel like they've washed away slowly, and I would wake up for the blood-streaked dream with tears in my eyes. Then I would silently, half-heartedly comfort myself, and drift off into another violent dream again. Lately I've had some more pleasant dreams of school, with my friends abound. I'd think of laughter and smiles, and one particular kind hug. But I'd always wake up in the night, with the image gone from my head. I then would proceed to hug my stuffed animal, and with its cold surface pressing aganist my skin, I'd wish it were warm.

Have I Found You,

Mood: happy; neutral; thoughtful
Currently: attempting to sing in Japanese along with the song I'm listening to
Listening to: Tabi no Tochuu [Ookami To Koushinryou OP]--Kiyoura Natsumi

Waldo?! Ahaha, just kidding. Anyhow, I've recently become addicted to the song I'm listening to. It's such a soothing song, yet its lyrics are so conflicting, of one's journey to find love. At first I didn't really think much of it, but I really liked it after listening to it again. I really recommend listening to it. Just the lyrics don't give the song enough credit. [ x ]
Lyrics:
Within the journey
Where I grew lost all alone,
Only my heart wandered and stood still,
But now I can
Continue walking.
That’s right, after I met you
On this road.
Unknown songs
That travelers sing-
They sound familiar to me
If I’m just with you.
If the world that I dreamed of
Exists somewhere
Then shall we go search for it?
To the other side of the wind,
Let’s go see the end of the
Freezing daybreaks,
Parched middays,
And shivering dark nights.
Your eyes
Know of loneliness,
Because they’re dazzling
And reflect that color.
I fly high to the sky
And become the crescent moon.
The mint-colored stars are surely
The fragments of tears.
The harbor of the eastern country, the western seaside,
In the dark forest, the southern city, a golden tower,
The northern hill, the same moon that swayed in the water.
If it’s okay for me to hold
Your outstretched hand
Then where shall we go?
Together with you
We can go anywhere,
Let’s go embrace
The commotion and aroma
Of the world still unseen.

Full of the Thankful

Mood: happy; unnaturally happy
Currently: trying to air out the barbecue smell from my sweater.
Listening to: La Camisa Negra --Juanes

I just came back from dinner at a Korean Barbecue place, if you guys were wondering about my "currently".
I just wanted to randomly say that I'm thankful for thick bedsheets. Whenever I go to bed late at night (every night) it's really cold, but then I slide under my sheets. At first the sheets are cool, yet comforting. Slowly they warm up and cuddle your body heat, keeping you nice and toasty. Ah, yes, it's the best. Anyhow. Other people/things I'm thankful for:
A certain someone. Ahaha, of course.
My friends, you guys are awesome, and I love you guys lots. Now go gain weight! Ahaha.
My family, I love you all, too, even though I can't seem to say it to your faces (and I can't let you read my blog, so I basically fail).
Food, of course, how can one live without food!
Home, because it keeps me safe and warm.
That's pretty much my major things that I'm thankful for.

Soup Kitchen

Mood: happy; strangely solemn
Currently: wondering if I should go steal food from my kitchen
Listening to:;">PSI-missing --Mami Kawada

"Be grateful for the food you got, and be happy with what you get, because one day you may not be blessed with such things." --JJS

So today I went to the Soup Kitchen today with Revathi and her dad to volunteer. It was pretty fun, though it wasn't what I expected, work-wise. First when we got there, it seemed kind of confusing as to where we were supposed to go, but other workers helped us along the way. We went into this room where we had to fill in a form and wait for other volunteers to come in. We got food too. There was pizza, chicken, fruits, and churros! The churros were so goot, crispy on the outside, chewy on the inside, coated with a beautiful coat of sugar. Anyhow, after more volunteers and the supervisor of the event came, there was a brief orientation, where we got an explaination as to what we needed to do and then we got assigned tasks. Revathi and I were to guide the families down the assembly line, where they would pick up their boxes of food, hygiene products, and a toy. Most of the time, we carried the boxes for them though, so I think that was the main part of our job. Besides the fact that most of the families spoke in Spanish (which is where Revathi and I started to really regret that we didn't take Spanish in teh 8th grade) and that the boxes were relatively heavy, the job was pretty easy. Though I must admit my muscles feel a little sore now. Heh, before, Revathi was flexing her muscles, saying that she felt like she was geting buffer. Anyhow, Revathi told me that the volunteering was from 12-5PM, but it actually ended around 3. So I came home early then slept until dinner. Even though our tasks weren't hard, I still felt a bit drowsy afterwards. All in all, I don't think I did too bad for my first volunteer job.

Too Many Places to be At

Mood: happy; neutral
Currently: talking to people on AIM.
Listening to: Pictures of You --Last Goodnight

Last Goodnight is the best band ever (if only they had more albums!).
So today was interesting. I've been running back and forth around school lately. First it was for journalism, now it's for Octagon . . . but it's all good. Anyhow, today started a bit slow. Then again, I was in a rush. Does that even make sense? Anyhow. I was late for 0 period, and I wanted to run to class, but I had 10 cans (for the canned food drive) and it was obviously hard to run. I ended up pushing myself to run as fast as I could with the extra weight, which wasn't very fast, and came into the Chemistry room breathing heavily, my legs feeling numb. Yasmin then proceeded to give me a weird look. She stole three cans from me for Spanish club, and relieved me of some weight. Though I wanted to turn in my cans before first period, but the door was locked. I went through PE awkwardly. I can never seem to make a basket, and my teammate who was kind enough to give me more than a few chances has lost hope in me. Then English came round, it was okay, there was this activity where we walked across the room when we agreed with what the teacher said like, "Do you believe in love at first sight?" I don't, for the record. I believe that people can be interested at first meeting each other, but that's not love to me. Anyhow. Then it was Journalism, it was a free period, so I just did my math and Spanish homework. Turned in my cans at snack, went to my locker and spent the rest of snack eating my lunch (as I normally do). During silent reading, I was reading a book I stole from Victor, The Mediterranean Caper by Clive Cussler. It's actually really interesting. I wasn't really sure I'd like it at first, but it's really captivating. Anyhow, then Pre-calculus started. It was pretty boring and I'm always in danger of falling asleep in there. Not good since I sit in the very front and next to the teacher. Eventually History came and we were assigned a project. Besides being assigned a person from the Enlightment, we didn't do anything, so it was basically like a free period. Lunch was so chaotic. First I went to the Octagon room because I got an email saying that the canned food drive organization was taking place at lunch instead of afterschool. But when I got there, an officer told me it was afterschool, so I just left. I hanged out with Emily and company, but decided to put my lunchbag away earlier than normal. On the way to my locker, I was sidetracked by Michelle and ended up walking her to the gym, since she was going to watch club volleyball. I was walking towards my locker again when I saw the Octagon Club president, Theodore. He was carrying these boxes and it looked a bit heavy. He put it on the ground and started to shift the boxes around, as if looking for a way to make carrying them more manageable. Since I was right there, I asked him for help. Theo gratefully accepted my offer, and since he was in a rush, we ran back to the Octagon room. On the run there, I saw Diana, Revathi, and Yasmin (I don't recall seeing Hee Soo there) carrying around boxes, too. It was a funny encounter. Anyhow, when I got into the Octagon room, I saw that people were there organizing the cans, and I was like, "What the . . ." Apparently there was some kinda of mix up. Anyhow, I spazzed, but I was determined to help as I originally offered to. I ran to my locker to put my lunchbag away as I first intended to, ran all the way back to the clubroom and attempted to help in whatever way I could. Soon lunch ended and found they were moving the food to the ASB room later afterschool, and so I figured I'd go and help out then, too. ASDFGHJKL; (my keysmash meant that stuff happened and Spanish zipped by quickly) I was all in a rush to my locker, but I had to stop and quickly explain everything I just typed about Octagon to them, then I rushed off to the clubroom. After helping transporting the goods, though, Diana, Hee Soo, and Yasmin wanted to stick around or something. Hee Soo had to leave soon after sitting down at a table. I did English homework as Diana and Yasmin conversed about random topics I didn't pay much attention to. I feel like mayonnaise and seagulls were included at some point though . . . Diana had to leave later on while spazzing about her caucus outline for MUN. Yasmin boredly played around with her cell phone and such as I finished up my English hoemwork. She then accompanied me to my locker, while taking a detour to kick someone else's. After putting my English textbook away, my father called, so Yasmin and I headed for the parking lot. With a lot of confusion, Yasmin hitched a ride home before I got home. Now I'm just IMing people and such. Loads of fun. Anyhow, time to do some more productive IMing (since I don't really have any homework I need to do).

"But where do I go from here?"

Mood: happy; confused; stressed
Currently: confused beyond word
Listening to: Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder --Rin Kagamine

"So many voices ringing in my ears, which is the voice I was meant to hear? How will I know, where do I go from here?" Where Do I Go From Here? (Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World)
Earlier I was totally spazzing about AP classes and colleges. Since my sister is already in college and is much more knowledgeable in this area (and in pretty much everything else). I seriously dislike my sister sometimes. Apparently she took 8 AP classes in high school. Even though what scares me more is that her boyfriend took 14. Is that even possible?! I knew he was smarter than my sister, but dang! He's like an AP steroid user. Anyhow, my sister and my situations are relatively similar, minus the fact she's a million times smarter than I am. She took AP Spanish Language, AP English Literature, AP Chemistry (on her own, because her school didn't have the class), AP World History, AP European History, AP Calculus AB, AP Calculus BC, and AP Physics C Mechanics class (I've never heard of this class). When I meant that our situations are similar, you mine as well cut out the APWH, AP Euro and AP Physics. So I'm down to five. Add AP English Language and AP US History, you'll have my AP plan for the next two years. My sister says I should have at least 7 AP classes to even think about competing for Berkeley. But of course, this is all easier said than done. I need to take the AP exams, but before that, I need to take speed reading classes so I can actually finish the exam. For those of you who know me, I read ridiculously slow, it's almost as if I have to stare at each for for a second or two. I also need to brace myself for the writing portions. I suck at timed essays, that's not even a joke there. I get all pressured, my brainstorming is a huge mess and I take too much time on it anyways. Argh. I just don't know what to do right now. I just hope I can slowly sort things out next year. But it's not like I can relax until then. I need to finally do some volunteer work, I need to take summer classes, and maybe SAT prep classes. There's just so much junk left to do. I wonder how much free time I'll have later on. Well, at least it appears that I'm doing better in not procrastinating?

Promises

Mood: happy; sad; mournful
Currently: doing math homework that's due Tuesday; going to bed soon
Listening to: Da Cheng Xiao Ai --Leehom Wang

Why do I remember that day? Years ago when Stephany Lee, a girl I hanged out with during the fourth grade, was still around. That specific day her parents took us to Chucky Cheese to play. Afterwards, we went to a small Korean barbecue restaurant they knew. I feel like I remember the details of that day too well. Stephany leaned over in her chair to tell me, half laughing, that her dad just told her that he thought I was wearing lipstick (in elementary school, my lips were naturally very red). I laughed along with her. Later, when the waiter gave us our water, Stephany looked at me, turned away, then quickly looked back at me. She started laughing abruptly and I looked at her with a confused face. She told me that for some reason, the red plastic spring I got as a prize from Chucky Cheese's looked like a cup. In her mind, she told me that she wondered how I got such a special cup. We shared another laugh again. We were eating when her father offered me a small dish of sauce, though telling me that it was spicy. I told him that I didn't like spicy things, however, but he persisted, telling me I should try just a dab. I gave in, dipping my chopsticks in the red mixture. In a few seconds, I made a grab for my ice water and gave a mighty glup. I held the cup's edge near my mouth and let out a sigh. I noticed a huge puff of visible air disappear. I commented how it was almost like I was breathing fire. We all laughed and proceeded to eat. My flashback ends there. But then I remember back to other times. Going to CPE and swimming with her during the summer. I remember buying a cookie from the vending machine and splitting it with her in the back of my mom's car. She then sneezed loudly and I asked if she was cold. She just said that she sneezed in the summer for some reason. We shrugged it off and proceeded to nibble on the cookie delicately. We went to my house to play with my Polly Pocket dolls. I still have a picture of us that day. I was in a long, soft, velvet-colored dress while Stephany wore jeans and her signature snuggly green vest. Another time, I remember being in her room, and she was sharing her cute collection of stamps she had with me. There was a sheet of stickers with dogs that felt fuzzy when you touched them.
They were good times. Memories I hope to never forget. Though I wish they never had to stop, those moments together. Selfish as I am, I wished her mom didn't have to get pregnant, and I wished Stephany did have to live so far away, because then she wouldn't have transferred. Binds that tie us are frail, lines of fate are easily severed now, aren't they? Just more the reason why it's so frightening to say goodbye. What if it was for the last time? It was a heartache when I went to school the next day, and she's wasn't there. I went to her home and she wasn't there, she moved. I called, but no one answered, the number's changed. Emails never got through. I never got to say goodbye again. Though what I want is just to say hi once more and talk and laugh.
"Dear Jenny, Always remember that I'll be your best friend forever. Love, Stephany Lee."
Of course, I'll remember, you idiot. Dangit. I'm more worried whether or not you remember.

Dawning Light

Mood: happy; neutral
Currently: doing English homework
Listening to: Si Ben Dao Yue Qiu --Mayday & Cheer Chen

I woke up at 8AM this morning to go running at CPE. Strangely enough, my dad offered to come with me. I was shocked . . . until he clarified that he'd be walking. Ahaha. It was nice, though I only ran a mile and a half. I say only because in cross country we'd have to run four. Anyhow, I did a binch of pushups and abdominal-workouts though, so it's all good. I came back home around 9:30, and realized that I don't know what to do. Normally, on Sundays, I'm alseep until noon, so I was like, what do I do now? I ended up doing homework though. This may become a good habit . . . I'm probably going to be really bored tonight and do my Chinese homework. I don't even have Chinese school for the next two weeks. Goodness, waking up early on a Sunday must means I'm sick! It's almost as if I'm not my procastinating self like normal. Maybe I'll just work on my story that I've neglected for so long for once. Sounds like a game plan to me!

Cold as Stone

Mood: happy; thoughtful; sad
Currently: still working on my English essay
Listening to: the humming of my computer; the ticking of my clock

I was working on my essay, starting to feel proud of my work, and started to credit my sister for helping me finding stronger points to make. However, that just caused a huge explosion of thoughts that I couldn't help to come here and record. My sister, I swear, is extremely bored at grad-school, even though the school she's going to is supposedly really hard, but after the school she went to for college, there's just no amount work that can compare. Why do I think this way? From the 6th grade to 9th, I hardly hear a word from her. She doesn't come back home very often, even though her school was a few hours drive away. She forgets to call back home all the time, and pretty much never IMed me. It was really almost as if she didn't exist for those four years. Now, though, she IMs me, not to tell Dad to call her when he comes back home, but to just say things such as, "I love you!" And my response is usually, "anyhow . . .", "meh", or "okay". I've realized for quite a long time that I hardly show any love towards my sister. It's not like I don't love her, I do, very much so, but it's like I can't express it to her. When she does come home once every blue moon, you'd think we'd hug with tears in our eyes at our reunion (not really, but you get my point). Instead, she comes into my room, asks for a hug, where I proceed to sigh and give her an awkward hug, as if I didn't want to hug her. Now that I think about it, I feel like I show more care and love to people other than my family. With my friends, I can freely say that I loved them like they were my sisters (even though I can't see to say that to my real life one), but around my family, I feel so . . . cold. After all they do for me, you'd suppose I could show them how much I love them through all the good and bad times. I don't even remember a time where I willingly and freely just gave them a hug, nevermind tell them that I loved them. Even when saying good night. There's no more, "Night, love you, sweet dreams." It's just my dad telling that he's going to bed (my mom just goes to sleep one way or another) and I call out a "Okay, night." I feel so detached from my family . . . Even though I say that, I bet that I'll continue living my life, never trying to show more love for my family until they die. It's always been like that. When my grandfather died, I cried for months in regret that I never got to see him one last time and tell him that I loved him. However, did I show any appreciation for my other grandfather before he died? No. I just sat next to his hospital bed, holding his hand and smiling so that he wouldn't be worried about me. But I never got to tell him that I loved him before I left. And even if I said that I regret not stopping that day in the doorway to just quickly say that I loved him and thank him for everything he's done for me, I probably wouldn't change. I would continue being the idiot that can't properly tell her family that she loves them so much for so long, that they may start to wonder if I even love them at all. Do I love them? Or am I unconditionally bound to them through blood? Is it like those moments where people say, "Come on, you have to love him, he's your brother," kind of thing? Except, in the end, I think I do love them. Ah, I miss my grandmother so much. My ABu. Whenever my family goes to China and we visit her, she asks me, "Did you think of me?" I would say yes. She then asks, "Where did you think of me?" And I'd tell her, "From my heart." I just can't seem to ever say that to any other member of my family. Why? I just don't understand why I can't change and summon the strength to tell them that I love them. Why? Why? Why? Why . . .

"The Devil Inside, I See Your Eyes Are Changing . . ."

Mood: happy; confused; stressed
Currently: trying to work on my English essay but failing
Listening to: Poison Kiss --The Last Goodnight

"green to white. There's nowhere to hide, inside I feel the same. I feel the same way, too." Poison Kiss --The Last Goodnight
Anyhow. I seriously confuse myself sometimes. I feel like I have a point that I want to say, which totally makes sense in my head. But once I try to reason with it or start talking about it, I'm just like, that totally makes no sense at all . . . Like, for dinner, there was this soysauce filled dish or something. Anyhow, I was looking at it from a certain angle that the glint of the light made the brown liquid look white. Strangely enough, I started to think how if I tried to paint that, it would be really confusing if I painted it all white on the surface. Then for some reason, I thought that was a understandable. I thought about it more, wondering if I should bring it up in a conversation. Then I was like, wait what? Because it is white from my perspective. Why would it be weird to paint it that way? I tried to explain it to myself, then I started wondering why I was even thinking about painting in the first place. Eventually I told myself that I would make a good abstract painter, which only proved to confuse myself even more. I swear, I wish there was an off button for my mind. It thinks about the strangest things and I'm seriously worried if it's something that I subconciously want to do or if that's what I honestly believe in. I'm scared to find out.

Sweet Moments

Mood: happy . . . more like blissed
Currently: just happy to be alive
Listening to: the quiet hum of my computer; the chirping of the crickets outside; the ticking of my clock

Sometimes just one moment in your life is simply worth living through all of the stress and crude life dumps on you.

11.10.09. 11:15PM.

Just Because I Don't Like You

Mood: happy; overwhelmed; stressed
Currently: working on homework (sort of)
Listening to: Cantarella --Kaito & Miku

I feel like someone gathered up a really heavy object and dropped it on my heart. All through today, I've been listening to people talk crude about others. Zero period Chemistry, the teacher turned on the television so the news was showing as we did our work. There was so many cases about how people killed someone else because they didn't like them. I really didn't get it. Then it was second period English, and I sitting there, listening to two people sitting right next to me complain about this other person. One described how annoying she was and another agreed, further backing it up with even more bad examples that person has done. Throughout class, it slowly started to bug me more and more. Certainly this person doesn't sound like a nice person, or one someone I'd want to hang out with, but must you so angrily degrade her name? In third period Journalism, this one girs in front of me was talking to her friend about how this one person kept bugging her with her personality alone, along with a long combo of curse words. Fifth period History, since my class was so crazy, they convinced our teacher to let us work outside. At first, I was sitting happily at a table by myself, in my relatively quiet solitude doing my work. Then these two girls and a guy moved to my table, since they were messing around at their original ones, and the chatter began. The guy didn't talk much, it was really just the two girls. I've realized, I only heard girls talk crude about people. That doesn't really make me proud to be a female at this point . . . Anyhow, I understood what that girl was complaining about. Her boyfriend cheated on her six times, and why shouldn't she be mad? Although, I feel like she should have broke up with him the first time. Then she went on about the girl her boyfriend liked behind her back. She went on about how she wasn't pretty, she was flat-chested, and that she wanted to hit her. At that point, I wondered again, why would someone do that. Apparently their reason was that, "She's a b----." All this negativity brought me down.
On the brighter side, I hanged out with my friends today for the first time in forever (which was Halloween, really). We went to Town Center and such to hang out. Although, I was being crazy, obsessed with finishing my homework as soon as possible, so I was doing homework while walking (I'm starting to get better at doing that ever since I joined journalism). I did manage to finish my math cumulative review, though! Except I have a bunch of other homework I have to do. Ick. Thankfully there's no school tomorrow and I have that time to work. Then again, maybe it's not "thankfully". I still need information on school events for the newspaper, and my deadline is strictly Thursday. I really don't want to email my cheif-in-editor explaining why I couldn't get the job done, I simply don't.
Speaking of journalism, I was asked a good question a day or two ago. Do I really want to continue journalism even though it's such a pain? It would look good for college if I went on all the way until senior year, but can I take it? It's rather stressful and I don't think I do a great job. I suck at editting (because my grammar is bad) and I'm more of a narrative writer than a straight-news writer. I think we need to get teacher recommendations again to join next year, and as far as I can see, I don't think any of my teachers will give me any favoring recommendations. Plus, if I don't take journalism next year, I can take another class that perhaps I'd enjoy more, perhaps ceramics? I'm not sure. However, I've recorded my classes for next year and pretty much everything on the list is graduation required, with the addition of journalism. I'm feelig doubtful whether or not to join. Then again, college. I've been stressing a lot about college, too. I wanted to go to Berkeley, since their English program intrigued me, but their recommended GPA is too high. What do I need? I don't remember. I'm pretty sure it was over a 4.0 though, that's for sure. I don't even have a 4.0 at all! Nevermind a 4.2, or whatever it was. Not only that, I don't do much out of school. Instruments? No, I quit both the flute and piano. Sports? If you count going to summer practice for cross country and never offically joining. Volunteering? I failed to do even that much. Any other kinds of extra stuff outside of school? Just art class, and I guess you could add Chinese school in the equation. However, just that, I doubt I'll stand out, though. Journalism doesn't make me that much more special, but it's something. Argh, I don't even know anymore.

Strike Back

Mood: happy; slightly stressed out
Currently: wondering if Hee Soo will mind that I stole her post format
Listening to: Justice of Light --Mayumi Gojo [Seiken No Blacksmith OP]

I totally stole the way Hee Soo formats her blogs. Why? I just felt like it. And since I discovered an option where I can preformat my blog posts, so I wanted to try it out . . . Yeah, I'm basically just messing around with my blog half the time. I got all my archives up, buddy tags, my cbox, and of course my counter (though I don't remember if the numbers are exactly right).
Today was pretty okay. I've been running around a lot because of journalism. I have to do the briefs section of the newspaper (bottome of front page, in the box titled, "Fast Facts", if anyone ever reads it) and I have to talk to the people in ASB so I get more information about certain events. Half the time at snack, no one is ever in there. At lunch, today, I went and no one knew what I needed to know, so I have to go there right away during the beginning of lunch to catch the right people. Since apparently all the ASB members have class there fifth period. What I've really been stressing about, though, is my actual article. I had to either choose to write an article on New Moon the movie or have no article this issue, so obviously, I got stuck with New Moon. At first, I thought it would be pretty easy. Write when the movie releases and then give a summary of it. Then I remembered that New Moon is the one where a huge chunk of stuff happens, so that makes my job harder already. Not only that, I feel like my article is going to be too short if I just try say that much. My deadline is tomorrow. I'm a tad panicked. Thankfully I was smart enough to go back to the journalism room and ask for an extension on the briefs when I found the ASB room locked.
Besides my complaints about journalism, I have a bunch of stuff due on Thursday, I realized. I have my English essay, my briefs, math cumulative review packet, history chapter worksheet, and history summary packet. I imagine chaos coming my way on Wednesday.
I better get started on homework then.

Rebirth

First post on my new blog, yay! Yeah, that was pretty much all I wanted to say . . . Wait, no, I always wanted to say, according to my archives off to the side, this would be my 100th post on this blog. I'm so confused.

101th post

Whoa. I just realized that on the dashboard, under my blog name and stuff, it says how many posts you have and when you last published. So I just glanced at it, clicked on "New Post". Then I was like, "Wait, what?" I went back and what I saw was true! Yes, my last post way actually my 100th post! Woot! This is an amazing achievement for me since I've always failed to keep stuff like diaries and stuff updated. I actually have a Wordpress, too, but yeah, I probably posted maybe twice. Anyhow, I feel so accomplished. Seven months of relatively consistent posting! I wonder if I'll last another five months.
Oh, and I didn't say earlier, but anyways, yeah, my blog template has change! I wanted to use this: [ x ], but for some reason it wouldn't work! It suits my blog URL name so well, too! I seriously wish I knew how to make it work. Maybe I'll look into it one day.

Fireworks in the Rain

Can't sleep. So after several weeks of dreading staying up this late for many reasons, now I'm just sitting here. Doing pretty much nothing. I was going to do math, but after I opened the book, I didn't feel like doing it anymore.
It's not like I have any complaints though. I'm pretty much satisfied with my life right now, I'm sure you all know why. I feel so awkward when I was reading some of my old posts. I always knew what I wrote was depressing, but man was it so depressing! Yes, pointing out the obvious is fun. Anyhow, I feel sorry for the people who actually read my blog. I mean, who wants to read a blog where the person is always saying that life is meaningless and says something borderline suicidal? Yeah, I'm so excited to read more.
Moving onto the present, the bright side of all this darkness, I seem to have found the pep in my step again! I've always wanted to use that phrase. Anyhow, yeah, I'm pretty sure my insomnia is back. I feel like I'm more hyper and cheery at school despite the lack of sleep. And, of course, I have gone back to appreciating the little things in life.
So in honor of the rebirth and sparkle in my life, a poem! If you know what I'm talking about in my poem, I congratulate you. Because sometimes I felt like even I didn't even understand what I was writing.

Fireworks

Rain splattered on the ground,
And colors flooded the world.
I'm dripping the paint all around
The canvas where they exploded and swirled.

Vivid red made my heart beat faster.
Cheerful orange made me wonder.
Bright yellow made me smile.
Curious green made me confused.
Solemn blue made me feel awkward.
Royal purple made me feel on top of the world.

Gray clouds loomed everywhere.
The colors faded, wilted, and died.
I threw open the curtains,
And there was an explosion of fireworks.

Yet rain still splattered on the ground,
And colors flooded the world.
I'm dripping the paint all around
The canvas where they exploded and swirled.

Don't you think these fireworks
Are so pretty
Even if it's late?
Emotions so loud
I tried to keep them silent
But the booms of colors
Made me explode.

Colors alighted around.
Just what does this mean?
I don't expect an answer,
But, I still need to scream.
I need to get this thank you
Out so the heavens can hear.

Thank you
For the ability to see again,
I love the colors in the sky.
Thank you
For bring tears to my eyes,
The sight is just too beautiful.
Thank you
For this explosion of feelings,
That lighted the whole world.
Thank you
For never letting the fireworks fade away.

Best Day. Ever.

November 5, 2009. 11:37PM. Anticipating, expectant, slightly hopeful, nervous.
November 5, 2009. 11:39PM. Shocked, surprised, confused, denial, realization, happy, trembling, overjoyed, on-top-of-the-world, jumping off the walls, I-would-scream-in-happiness-if-my-dad-wasn't-sleeping mode, life-couldn't-get-any-better mood, this-is-the-best-day-of-my-life feeling.
Suffice to say. November 5. Of 2009. At 11:39PM. Despite the fact that it was 21 minutes away from midnight. November 5. Was indeed. The best day of my 15-year old life. Best. Day. No matter what cruddy things happened to me earlier on that day. It's been overruled. Even if my day started from awful. It's now awesome. I don't even remember what I did. But it was definitely an awesome day. A beautiful day. A wonderful day. A terrific day it was! What did I do? NO CLUE. But it doesn't matter. It was, to put it simply, an absolutely-positively-awesome-possum-blossom-tremendous-stupendous-supercalifragilisticexpialidocious day. November 5 is the best day ever. November is a wonderful month. 5 is a wonderful number. When you combine them, it's just the most incredible thing. Ever. Am I repeating myself too much? I'm repeating myself too much. Okay.

Song in Praise of Colors

Irodori no Sanka (Song in Praise of Colors) --Kagrra
[ x ]

You sigh and lower your gaze on this endless journey,
Not even knowing about turning around.
You kill your voice and hide your body,
Trying to hide the festering wounds
Only slows down the healing.
Raise your head.
The sky shines in azure.
The land praises the growing prayers.
Sometimes people lose their precious things without noticing,
But, in the distance, a light is shining.
The tears of sadness are constantly carried away by time,
And under the flag of "freedom",
We repeat our mistakes.
Even though we're born divided into white, black, red, and yellow,
There are no differences in our wishing voices.
The sky shines in azure.
The land praises the growing prayers.
People are always blown by the wind
And keep singing their words which are overflowing with love,
The light softly embraces them.
Even if, in this world, all life will someday stop and end up in nothing,
On the last day, I just want to embrace you in my heart
And then smile.
Human beings are all roaming travelers,
Without any aim inside their solitude.
But I guess they will notice someday
They are not all alone, but just on their own.
The light will always wait, narrowing your eyes.