There is just simply nothing in this world that can explain how I'm feeling because I don't know if there are even my feelings to feel in the first place. I'm too easily wavered and they pains of other stir me until I cry myself, and these feelings are just over my head, I don't know what to do with them, I don't know what they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, I don't know what they are, but I don't know what to do either, I don't know anymore, these feelings and mixtures are so confusing, I'm losing my way and I feel blind, I'm running into a wall that can't be run down or destroyed and broken down, not now, and maybe not ever, this wall is absolutely indestructible. Feelings, feelings, feelings, too complex for my understanding, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what do to with there feelings, I'm not too sure if I'm feelings sad or happy, this heavy feeling doesn't have to be only depression now, right? I don't know anymore, but it's pulling on me, and I don't know what to do with them. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to do anything, I don't know, I just don't know. I want to cry, yet I want to laugh, but I don't know which one to follow, what is my path, what are even my choices, and who am I? I don't get it, what are these questions in the first place, what are the answers supposed to do for me. Answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, I'm searching for answers, answers, answers, why are my guardian angels shattered when I need them, and why are there no tears in my eyes. Answers, answers, answers, answers, that no one can tell me, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions no one can answer. There are no answers, no answers, so what am I searching for exactly. The sea is only deep in the barren desert of the cold winter. Screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming in my head, they are, what they are, I don't know. They are, they are, they are, they are, they are screaming, I don't know what they want from me, I don't know what they want, I don't know what they are, I'm just running in circles while standing the same place, so I'm not moving at all in the end while I'm running in circles and spiraling down the straight aisle that's perhaps not straight in the end. Helping on one but no one, I scream for nobody's help, yet I hear my voice echo in the air, when I didn't even open my mouth in the first place, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, my leg isn't trembling, are they. What is this feelings of rush, that's like I'm falling down from somewhere high above where I am. Why do I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of nothing, when there's nothing to sink in, and you can't sink in pits, you can only fall in them, I don't know anymore. Who makes these rules for us to follow, what is logic, and says who that they are logical? Why do I have to follow these rules of logic, because that's what everyone else does, its it because I can't find my own logic? Logic, logic, logic, logic, logic, logic is not logical at all, now is it? Why are we standing on the ground, why can't it be the sky, why, why, why, why, why, why, I don't know what I'm saying anymore, what am I supposed to be saying. I can't say that I'm okay, because I don't know if I'm okay, I don't know what this feeling is, nor will I ever understand, perhaps, do I have to be okay? What is okay? Are you okay? Is anyone really what we say is okay, just because we are happy, does that make things okay, why can't we be okay when we're sad, why do we have to be unhurt to be okay, okay, okay, what is okay, what is anything, what in the world is what. whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat

Blabbering

Mood: happy; confused
Currently: having a mild migraine
Listening to: Silky Heart --Yui Horie [Toradora OP2]

So I just finished skimming through everyone's blogs, and my head's like, wooosh. Argh, my head . . . I don't even think I got half of that information down . . . (kind of pointless for me to read them in the first place then?!)

So. I'm going to the movies with Jennie later at Towne Center. I wonder why she decided to invite me all of the sudden. Perhaps it was due to our reunion at Towne Center on Friday?! Regardless, I'm happy. I haven't seen her since last year (disregarding yesterday, that is). Except there are going to be a lot of people from her school that I don't know, so it may be a tad awkward. Oh well, I'm sure they're nice people since they're friends with Jennie! Sarah's going to be there, so at least I won't be the only "outsider" there?

You know, I really like Hershey's Cookies'n'Cream candy bars. Well, I wouldn't like to eat massive quantities, but they're nice to eat now and then. I'm currently eating those mini ones. They're delicious, though I think they aren't helping my headache. I should stop.

Something

Mood: happy; happy; thoughtful; something
Currently: doing pretty much nothing
Listening to: Heart of Sword --Tm Revolution

January 29, 2010, 3:24PM: peaceful, unexpected, strange, happiness, surrealism, excited, silence, peaceful.

Violet Viola

Mood: happy; thoughtful
Currently: eating; watching Toradora episode 16
Listening to: Vanilla Salt --Yui Horie

"'The thing you wish for the most is something you'll never get.' When I came to understand that, I didn't know what to do. At that time, Kitamura-kun smiled and held my hand. He's such a kind person. I can't show him how grateful I am by a simple 'thank you.' I understand the one he likes isn't me, however, I want to do what I can for him. Just like he did for me."
"Kanou Sumire! Am I doing something wrong? Fight me!"
"I don't understand who's wrong and who isn't. All I know is . . . I can't stop moving forward!"

One of my favorite parts in the Toradora series.
--
SUMIRE --Japanese;English-- Viola Mandshurica (AKA Fuji Dawn)

Violent
Violet
Blossom,
Bloom,
Let your
Bold
Bud
Bloom.

Release your
Vicious
Vice,
Vexing
Bind,
Suffocating
Sufferings,
And Malignant
Melancholy.

Violent
Viola
Blossom,
Bloom,
Be Purged
Be Purified.

Sumire.

Open the Door

Mood: happy; thoughtful
Currently: staring at my chemistry homework
Listening to: Pre-Parade --Kie Kugimiya, Eri Kitamura, Yui Horie

When I get my own house, I want the kitchen to be facing the direction where the sun will peek past the patio roof and make the sink faucet sparkle. And if I put a small plant there, its translucent leaves will shine a light green. My bedroom will face the East so the sun will beckon me to awaken for the day when my alarm fails to make me rise. The sunlight will shower onto the green carpet the shade of the grass. I'll glare against the garish light and shut the blue curtain so that the light will shine through it softly, making the blue a beautiful shade. I'll have a study room where I can write my stories on the computer. Next to my desk will be a sofa for me to muse on or take a quick nap or just to relax on. I'll paint on the walls the scenes of my story.

Snoozing

Mood: happy
Currently: staring at my math homework
Listening to: Gitchi Gitchi Goo --Phineas and Ferb (?)

--
Me: BOW CHIKA WOW WOW.
Yasmin: THAT'S WHAT MY BABY SAYS.
I'm so proud of her. :'D
Me: BOW CHIKA WOW WOW.
Hee Soo: > A> Your . . . BABY?
You disappoint me, Hee Soo. >:|
--
Good times. Anyhow, today consisted of me sleeping half the time. Seriously. I slept until 12PM. Ate lunch, then went to art class at two. Argh, art class. It's okay, drawing people that is (this one is just to see how well I do in drawing after painting so long, but I want to finish my painting already!). But I kind of feel sad for the lady I'm drawing. My drawing makes her look so manly for some reason . . . haha . . . Anyways, I came home, at a snack, then went back to sleeping. Woke up after like two hours to eat dinner. And I stayed on the computer until now. Heh, I plan on sleeping at midnight or something. This is my sleep-binge day.

Spinning 'Round and 'Round . . .

Mood: happy; tired
Currently: downloading AIM
Listening to: the humming of the computer and the distant chatter of the television

Feels like I haven't been here in forever, but it's only been 14 days? Yeah, that's forever. Anyhow, life has been chaotic, where I've been running back and forth and up the walls. I finally come back and look at everyone's blog for the first time in 14 days and I'm just like, oooh s---. Who knows what events of everyone's lives I'm missing out on! I say that, yet I feel a bit lazy in actually trying to read it all . . . Don't judge me, it gives you a huge headache trying to read four constantly updated blogs and not spend several hours doing so. It doesn't help that I read slower than a snail crawls. I'll read them one day . . . meaning several months from now, maybe.
Anyhow, what's happened in my life . . . I caught a cold from Diana after the sleepover, about a month ago, and although my actual cold went away after a week, the cough didn't leave until a day or two ago. Finals are coming up. I've gone back to procrastinating on my homework habit and staying up until 2AM, though I slept at like 12:30AM yesterday! Man, I haven't slept around midnight since middle school or something . . . It has been raining for the past week, and today it was raining as normal, but then the sun came out randomly, then I was like, "Rain? Sun? OH MY GOSH," ran outside with my camera to find that there was, indeed, a rainbow. It was beautiful, I took a billion shots of it, though the quality turned out to be super ugly when I posted it online. What a pity.
Chinese school and art class have been a real pain to go to. On the bright side, no Chinese class tomorrow (end of the term), and well, there's almost always art class. What I'm feeling bleh about art is that I'm going to go back into drawing with a pencil and all. Since how it works there is that they first teach you the fundamentals, sketching, learning perspective, making the picture proportional to the example picture you are given, and shading. Then after a while, you're promoted to painting, where you do a basic sketch, using what you've learned, then you go on and paint. First you're painting on canvas paper the size of a normal sheet of paper, and then you paint on a bigger canvas. After a few paintings, you then go back to drawing. Statues. People. Still life. Ugh, in a few weeks I need to draw a self-portrait of myself. That's just disgusting. Anyhow, I'm soon to leave the world of vivid colors and dripping paint. Change sucks (in art and in life).
That's pretty much all the excitement I've been going through really. Just busy busy busy. Even in my free time, I'm busy, always needing to multitask. If I'm not doing anything while eating, that's now considered "wasting time" to me. I need to be doing homework, reading, IMing, watching anime, reading manga, or drawing while eating. I can't just do one thing and feel like I'm spending my time to its fullest extent. I'm feeling the fatigue building up . . .

2010, Hear I Come

Mood: happy; neutral; tired
Currently: lying on my bed, eating chocolate (killing my throat)
Listening to: Ring Ding Dong --SHINee

I just realized something sad. I like writing blog posts, but not reading them. Writing them in fun, it's like telling a story in a more direct fashion. Then there is reading blog posts, where, if you don't read them on a daily basis, you just keep scrolling down and down and down and down, and I'm not that avid of a reader either . . . Epic fail much? Blargh. I want it to be winter break again. That first week back at school? Killer. Massive piles of homework, being depressed,being late to zero period as always, doing bad on my news article, nearly falling asleep in math, freezing up in Spanish, sleeping two hours, getting cuts all over my hand, finding white hair . . . Ehhh . . .
On the bright side, I'm working on being more responsible, getting my homework done before doing other stuff and such. It's not going along too well, though . . . ehhh . . . my urge to write just vanished.

Rose Parade Decorating

Mood: happy; bleh
Currently: doing my history project
Listening to: SKY-2-HIGH --Skankfunk [Air Gear ED]

Since I never felt like talking about it before:
--Date: 9/29/09 Time: 12:08AM Place: Kitchen Mood: Happy; Hyper Currently: eating pizza rolls Listening to: the hum of the refrigerator; the ticking of the clock Subject: OH MY GAAAWD
"AND THEN SHE WAS ALL LIKE, 'Oh no you didn't,' and I was all like, 'spank 'em'." NO YASMIN, NO. So today (technically it was yesterday, but I'll just say "today" so I won't confuse myself) I all went to the Rose Parade decorating thing with Diana and Yasmin. I was supposed to go yesterday morning but I had a bad cold and I like my throat was dying on me, so my parents called Heritage, telling them I couldn't go. Anyways, I went into the Heritage multipurpose room to sign in, only to see Yasmin's FACE. Yeah, it was beautiful. So then she was like, "Hiiii", and I was like "-waves-". I killed it. So we signed out little green paper things, got our "decorator" badge and a Cerritos Rose Parade pin. We went outside and sat randomly in the bus. Soon after, we saw Diana and her sister walk into the building, after she signed in, she came onto the buss and sat in front of us. Dude, I'm out of pizza rolls already. I'll type out the rest on my blog.--
And so here I am. So here's a brief sketch out of what happened that day for the volunteering event. On the bus, Yasmin was playing games on her i-pod, with me sitting next to her and laughing at all her epic fails while Diana was sitting there quietly in front of us. Eventually Yasmin forced me to play her games, which I got attached to quickly. I remember Yasmin and Diana saying random stuff about how outside looked like we were going to one of those bases where they research about aliens or something. Then Diana was going on how we were all going to get killed and used for manure. No, I don't know them at all. It didn't seem like it was a long until we reached the warehouse location. Except first we went to this tent that had chairs, tables, and most importantly, food. I helped myself to some of the hot chocolate that was provided, and Yasmin kept saying that you have to pour in the hot water first before you put in the powder to do it right. Geez, it was like the "does the milk or the cereal go in first?" thing, but seriously, it doesn't even matter as long as you enjoy the crazy thing, it's all the same when it gets to your stomach. After munching on a granola bar, we all wandered out the tent and into the warehouse, because we thought we had to do something, except we were totally lost, so we went back to the tent. Apparently there was a guy who was slowly taking people out in groups to be assigned tasks. Eventually Diana, Yasmin, and I were led back into the warehouse to do a weird job that required us to glue the main float figure's leg and put coconut powder on it. It sucked because his leg was bent weirdly, so the three of us had to sit in very uncomfortable positions while attempting to get the coconut on. It only took us forever, but we got the job done. Around then, I think, it was time for dinner and we left to go back into the tent to have some Mexican food. It was good, though the beef, or whatever it was, was all burnt, so it wasn't all that appetizing, but overall, the food was good. When we went back to the warehouse, Diana was sent to do some weird task, which I swear, every time I saw her, she was just following people. Anyhow, Yasmin and I, however, had to climb up to sit on a rickety scaffold to put coconut on the figure's hand, which was kind of creepy since it felt like we might have fallen if we weren't careful. However, when we finished the task, we were put back on land to stick fir branches onto the float base itself. At some point, we met up with Diana again, doing the same job. Time rolled by and soon it was time to leave. On the bus, Yasmin pulled out her handy i-pod once again, but this time, made me listen to her music and sing the lyrics that she had on the i-pod. It was pretty hilarious, and Diana kept turning around to beat Yasmin up, despite that, she kept singing. Then we got back and I went home, finding myself a bit hungry. I heated up pizza rolls, then started writing down what happened in this random journal I had.
Argh, I don't feel like writing what I did the other day. To be really quick about it, Diana didn't come the next day because she wasn't feeling well and Yasmin didn't sign up for it, so I went alone. The work was okay, though I was about thirty feet off the ground, standing on a sad excuse of a scaffold, because it was like a thick, old, rickety piece of driftwood. For about two hours, I was smelling coconut and glue, working on the main figure's collar and the back of his head, which was really hard to reach. It was pretty creepy because I had to walk around everywhere on the scaffolds in order to get a better reach, and if I fell one way, I'm pretty much dead, but if I fall the other way, I'll probably end up punching a huge hole in the float, so I had to rely on my balance skills and took periodic breaks in between my work so I don't end up doing something careless. Finally, when I was done, it was time for lunch, which was good, a ham and cheese wrapped in corn tortilla. There was also a cup of fruit and pasta in the plastic box. I think the food was from a catering place called Picasso's. One way or another, the food was good. The rest of the time, I was cleaning off the coconut residue on the collar and brushing off the scaffolds. When I finally got a chance to get off the ridiculously high boards, I was stuck gluing small red beans, one by one, on the roof of this boat-like object. It was very boring work and the only fun involved was the fact that Steve Nam from school was there, being crazy and all, was having an interesting quarrel with Racheal Lee and Michelle Lin. After who knows how long, finally it was time to go.

Resolutions

Mood: happy; bleh
Currently: doing my history project
Listening to: Chain --BACK-ON [Air Gear OP]

I don't really have many resolutions, considering that even if I said I'd do certain things, I mostly likely will fail to follow through with them. Regardless, here's what I'm going to attempt to do in the year of twenty-ten:
*/|`once upon a wish on a starry sky*`
*/learn to accept compliments
*/work on my story at least three times a week
*/sleep by midnight on a daily basis
*/actually study for my tests
*/clean my room monthly
*/practice painting twice a week
*/get back into the habit of training on weekends
*/practice speed reading