The Start of Something New?

I'm here once again by impulse. I'm still pretty tired from cross country, even though I think I'm slowly getting better. I'm not saying I'm running any faster, but at least I can continue running at a pace where I don't have to walk. I'm usually pretty bad at keeping at a decent pace, but I think my judgment with that has improved. As usual, I was going to type yesterday, but laziness overtook me on that part. Anyhow, yesterday in cross country, Hee Soo finally came, even though she said she'd come a week ago. Well, she seems to be doing pretty well. Unfortunately, like a bunch of other people, she's in summer school for Health. So she has to leave before we can even do drills, nevermind ladders or weights. I'm not too sure she'd want to very much, though. Now that I think about it, I find it kind of hard, imaging Hee Soo lifting weights. But she was on the swim team, so her arms should be decently strong. When summer school starts, I hope she and my other friends in summer school will come join us (me and Revathi) in training. Huh, what else happened. Oh, I finally started cleaning my room. I only started, which means I emptied out a section of my closet onto my bedroom floor, so that wasn't really successful, but at least I did something. I don't seem to have much to say, I'll type more later. If I feel like it.

Power Shortage

I'm seriously on a power shortage. Typically, I'm rather hyper and active, even though I'm still lazy when it comes to working, but now I'm just really tired. I didn't even feel like blogging right now. But because of a random impulse to, I'm here typing. Well, it's not like you can completely blame me, cross country is pretty exhausting. Anyone who doesn't think so must not be trying hard enough. I come home, take a shower sometimes, then I go on the computer until my eyes are threatening to close on me for the next few hours, and I toss myself onto my bed and let them. I snooze for a few hours until around 1PM, usually, and I eat lunch. I watch anime on my computer as I'm eating, then I watch more anime when I'm done eating. Then I go back to sleep sometimes and don't wake up until dinner. This is becoming a hazardous lifestyle. It's unhealthy and I'm going to put on excess fat that I burned off in cross country. Basically what I'm doing is making my hard work in vain. I'm very grateful today is Friday. I can sleep in tomorrow and go to art class that allows me to just sit there for two hours and stare at my painting that I've been working on for the past four weeks, which is four days in total, since I only have class once a week. Normally it takes me only one day to finish a painting, but this one's bigger than the rest of them. I'll try to post a picture of it tomorrow. If I finish it that is. I should. I only have a few more flowers to paint and add some more details.
Putting that aside, I'll talk about my day today. It was another fun day at cross country like that blob game we were playing on Wednesday. Today was foccer, a game where we play football and soccer on the same field, at the same time. There was a frisbee in there too, being thrown around. Of course you don't have to play football, you can play soccer, vice versa, or play frisbee. The point was to just keep moving and enjoy yourself in the chaos. I thought it was pretty fun. I was just running after soccer balls that was impossible for me to catch up with and meaninglessly kicking out my legs while attempting to steal the ball. It didn't work out very well. Near the end of the game, I saw a soccer ball rolling past by a distance away, so I started to run after it. Then for a moment, I thought that I was in a dream. During that time I kind of felt like I wasn't there, like my mind blanked out. Then I suddenly realized that my face was way too close to the grass and put my hands in front of me, but I was too late to save myself. My hands were a little scuffed and the skin on the hill of my palm peeled off a bit. Except my knee was a different story. If I look at it now, there actually isn't any huge open wound or a huge part of skin was scrapped off. There's just a few small cuts, but half of my kneecap is pinkish-red, and it really, really hurts. It didn't feel as bad as before. The cross country coach dabbed some disinfectant on my knee and I stuck on the bandage my friend, Susan, got me, then I was all good to go. I left for a few minutes from blogging to go shower, and I admit, my knee didn't hurt that much as I thought it would. It did sting a little from the water, but I think that's because the biggest wound didn't close completely yet. Thankfully there isn't cross country tomorrow, because I don't think I'd want to run on my knee. I'm being a little dramatic about my little injury, but it hurts, and that's all it takes to makes me want to chicken out of practice.
Well, I talked about the future, I talked about the present, now it's time to talk about the past. Yesterday night, after staying with us for a year, my grandmother left to go back to China. I'm sad to say that I wasn't all that sad about her leaving. That's a really cold thing to say or even think. It's not like I know for certain when's the next time I'll be able to see her again. My grandfathers already died, I'm a little concerned about when my grandmothers' time is going to come. More importantly, she's family and it's not like she's ever been mean to me. I suppose I'm just a jerk like that. I'm just an unfeeling boulder that never visited her even though her room was right next door, and I never talked to her even though I said I would. There was no difference from when she was on the other side of the world. Let me talk about my grandmother for a moment. She's a short, nice, little woman. However, certain things she does annoys me without me having to think about it. Everytime I come home she'd walk out of her room and say, "You came back?" In Chinese, of course, and I'm not sure about my translationg, but it was something along that line. For some reason, after a while, it just kind of ticked off something in my mind and I was tempted to say, "Who else would it be? Dad doesn't come back until four, and Joy doesn't live here anymore." Somehow I'd hold in the nasty words and my anger would go away. But just those small acts of kindess annoyed me, and that worries me. Am I going to be this irritable person forever who gets mad at things people do, even if it was out of goodwill? Am I just going to be an uncaring person for people and never realize how much I want their company until they're gone? I'd like to blame that I can't communicate with my relatives, but I think that's just an excuse I'm pulling up to make myself sound less like a jerk. Except it is true though, my Chinese is really bad. I'm in Chinese AP in my Chinese school--I think my teachers are just too nice and letting me pass--but it doesn't change the fact that, in real life, my Chinese is low-class. I can't even understand my parents when they're talking at dinner because they're speaking way too fast and I don't know half the words they are saying. I can get a general idea what they're talking about, but I miss out on all the details, and they get annoyed if I ask them to tell me what's happening in English. I'm saying all this and complaining, but really, it's still all my fault. I don't study for Chinese school or anything, I don't practice my vocabulary or anything. Everything I learn, I give it back to the teacher (a Chinese proverb). I seriously disappoint myself sometimes. When I was a small child, I used to cry and worry that when my parents get old, like into their 60's or 70's, that they'd forget how to speak English. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's true. You know how people get old and forget things, well, I thought since my parents aren't all that great in English (even though, I've learned in the past few years my father's pretty good in English; he used to help my sister write her first-rate essays for college) that they'd forget how to speak English and I wouldn't be able to talk to them anymore. At that time, I worked harder in Chinese school because I thought that if my parents forgot how to speak English, I'd just learn Chinese. What happened to that child, I wonder? Who am I now? A nasty, lazy bum who may have better common sense, but I feel like I was a better person when I was ignorant, innocent, and hard-working. I sometimes look at my pictures hanging on the wall, where I was still in elementary school. I know now that I wasn't a nice person, being a bully and all, but I used to be a person who was decently happy with herself. I was stupid and mean, but I used to be glad to be me. I'd have those moments where I'd wish I'd disappear, like in band, I really don't want to talk about that right now, but out on the playground, even though I was lonely, even though people didn't like me, I was proud to be who I was. Now, I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. I disgust myself so much with my habits that I fail to change, even though I realized my faults years ago.

Add Water to My Life with a Dash of Salt and You Get Randomness

I was supposed to blog Monday, but apparently I was too busy being lazy to type. So I'm going to type about what's happened since Monday in one mass blog entry.
So on Monday, I went to cross country practice as usual, I don't remember anything particular or special about that day. Just another day of running where I felt like I was way too slow, and yet I was exhausted from trying so hard to keep in sight of the person in front of me so I don't get lost. It's a pain to be slow and have no sense of direction. I can't let let yourself fall behind or else I'll probably end up wandering around the wrong side of town--it's happened before, just not in cross country--but that means pushing myself way beyond my limit. Overworking is good, because if you're always easy-going, you'll never improve, but I feel like I could cut off my legs and it wouldn't hurt as much. I think I'll just go to Group D and work up from there. I'd hate to lower myself to that degree but I think I'll end up ticking myself off if I keep whining to myself everytime I'm running. Well, after getting home and taking a really nice shower, I took a nap. I woke up to eat lunch and then the event I was waiting for: going to Michelle's house to watch movies. Hee Soo was talking to me and Michelle about movies and realized that we have no idea what she's talking about. Since she was outraged how we haven't watched a lot of movies she liked, we decided to have a movie marathon. We wanted to make the event bigger by inviting Diana, Revathi, Yasmin, and Susan, but only Diana could make it. It was a pity the other three couldn't come, though, it was fun. So, when I got to Michelle's house, Hee Soo was already there. We waited for Diana by playing Super Smash Bros on Michelle's GameCube. I epically lost, but it was fun anyways. Then, Michelle tried calling Diana again and found that she got off the bus near her house, the only problem was that she didn't know exactly how to get to Michelle's house. So the three of us left to go fetch her. Michelle, the kind person she is, offered me her sister's scooter since I was complaining earlier that day about being sore from cross country. I don't really know how to ride a scooter, but after lots of laughs and freaking out, I got the hang of it. Diana laughed at the fact that I was riding a little pink scooter, but it was all good. I thought it was pretty hilarous when I first saw it, too. If only there were ribbons on it. Anyhow, we got back to Michelle's house and got started with that marathon. We first watched Transformers. It was pretty good, I liked the graphics and everything, even though I had little of a clue what was going on. Since we all wanted a break from staring at the television, we went into the backyard. Michelle's backyard had a pool and she said we could bring our swimsuits, but in the end, only Hee Soo brought her's. Instead, we just kicked our feet in the water, threw some toy animals in the water, scooped them out of the water with a long net, held the net up in the air above the pool and tossed the animals in it, like it was a basketball hoop, for money. Hee Soo owed me thirty dollars, but since that's pretty outrageous for throwing a plastic toy in a net, I told her that if we all go swimming that she'd have to pay for my entrance fee. I surprise myself, I'm pretty stingy about money sometimes. Well, after doing more random stuff like getting each other with a squirt gun, we went back inside to watch Click. I thought it was pretty interesting, even though the outcome was pretty obvious. I liked the ending, though, before the happy ending, because I thought it was touching that Micheal would rather die than have his son repeat his past mistakes. I don't really want to go into it since whoever is reading this might be planning to watch it themselves. I personally hate spoilers, it ruins the fun and excitement.
Tuesday morning, I had a strange dream that worried me a bit. I don't recall where it was all taking place, I think it was at school. I was talking to my friends when they told me that hated me. Then they ran off, wanting nothing to do with me. I ran after them, but then they just vanished. I spent the rest of my dream wandering around, looking for people, but I wasn't sure who. I talked to a lot of random classmates, but no one ever seemed to be the one I was looking for. My dad shook me awake at that moment. In my dream, it seemed to me that I missed school and everyone there more then I claim to be. I don't partiularly like to admit I'm lonely. When I was in the sixth grade, when my sister left for her first year of college, I thought, Joy's going to be off on her own; I wonder if she'll be lonely without me, Mom, and Dad. When she came back home for a visit, a few weeks later, she looked pleasantly happy. Her roommate's great, her classes are a bit hard, but she likes her classes, and she enjoys walking around on campus. Probably, a hidden part of her was lonely, but back then, I thought that she wasn't sad at all about leaving us. And so, I thought, if Joy doesn't miss us, then I won't miss her. It was inevitably obvious that I did though. There was never anyone to talk to me and I'd always get into an arguement with my parents if I tried talking to them. I'd talk to my stuffed animals at home, to myself at school. People thought I was a freak for talking to myself. I don't understand why people think those who talk to themselves are weird, I think they're just lonely. It may seem like we're talking to an imaginary person, but it's just that there's no one willing to recieve those words besides ourselves. We could talk to ourself in our minds like most "normal" people, but, to me, I was afraid to stop talking to myself, because everything around me would be eeriely quiet. Now, though, I'm better at appreciating the silence. There's no need to fill in every blank. It's not necessary to answer every blank in life because there are no answers known. The world is filled with infinite mysteries making life a huge, complicated mystery itself. "The man who strives to solve the world's infinite mysteries is a fool."
Tuesday morning, there was more cross country. Yasmin ran with me today out of pity and was bugging me to run faster. At least I didn't walk, so I guess that's an achievement. Then, at night, we met again at dance class. We don't really talk much in class, there's not anything to say, if you ask me. She said she was looking forward to dancing with me in class again, but I actually don't know what's the big deal. If you ask me, it's more fun running with her than dancing.
Wednesday at cross country was pretty fun. We ran for fifteen minutes and then we played a game called "Blob". We have a partner, mine was Revathi, and we have to have our arms linked or we have to hold hands, either way, we have to stay together. There's one pair, though, that has to tag other people, then they have to join the link of people, forming a "blob of people". The downside was that we ran and played on the grass, so my feet were soaked. It was okay, though, I just had to wash my feet when I got home. Around 2PM, my mom and I went to the library to sign up for the summer reading program, as we do every year. I mean, come on, it makes me read and I get free prizes at the end of it. The summer reading program is awesome! Anyhow, after that, we went to Ross, since my mom had to return some clothes and we looked around for clothes.
Well, that was pretty much all the excitement that happened that last few days.

Toc Toc by Lee Hyori

My title (Toc Toc by Lee Hyori), which people can't see with this blog format, is what it is because I was planning to talk about my day, and that kind of sounded like time tocking by. I felt the need to explain myself. Well, anyhow, first of all, I'd like to express how proud I am of myself of still posting in this blog. What I mean is that, I've had other blogs and I used to keep diaries, all that I failed to keep up with. However, I'm actually blogging in this one almost daily, more than one post a day a lot, too. Too bad I still have the huge case of being too lazy to type. Well, I'm here.
Allow me to talk about my day. Or the day I had yesterday, since it's past midnight.
So I went to bed at 2AM and woke up at 6PM, so I basically slept through the entire day. My day was a huge epic fail. Just kidding. I awoke at around 6AM for cross country. It was the first day of summer training and, in the end, I figured it'd do me some good to join again. Anyhow, it was okay. I was the last one in my group and lapped by people in group A, but whatever, I haven't ran long distance in ages. Now I'll remember to pay attention to run with group C, rather than B, next time. When I was almost done running, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because my left shoulder started to hurt like crazy, but it was a false alarm. It'd be really sad if someone my age had a heart attack, but wouldn't a normal person, who doesn't exercise a lot, freak out if your left arm felt random pangs of pain and your heart is pounding really hard? Maybe it's just me and I'm just that paranoid about my health right now. Probably. Anyhow, continuing on about the day, we did drills, they were fun, I was sad there wasn't and ladders (drills involving an image painted on the floor that looks like a ladder; it's used to help your speed) or weights today after practice. However, on the up side, we went to Carrows with the team for breakfast! It's a Western restaurant, I believe, but I love it there. I went there with Yasmin and met two freshmen who sat with us. I don't know how to spell their names, but it was like, Genis and Samas. Something like that, they were rather unique names. I had a chicken steak with sausage gravy, hash browns, sunny side up eggs, and toast. I also had hot cocoa that I didn't order. I asked for just water, but I guess they decided to make me pay more, since I couldn't resist taking it after it was in front of me. The whipped cream tempted me. I was really full afterwards. I normally don't eat much for breakfast, just a cookie or two and some milk, but it's always nice to have a big breakfast once in a while, too. Well, I went home and went online to talk to my favorite poet, Kevin. I think he really gets it, what it takes to be a poet. I just think he overestimates how well I can feel things through the words of poetry. Well, there was more talking with other people, Facebooking, playing a download game my sister bought online, and then I fell asleep. Even though I was really full in the morning, I was planning to eat lunch still. Then I realized I woke up at 3PM. My family normally eats dinner at 6PM, so I decided to just skip lunch, which is a pity; I like lunch the best among the other meals. Don't ask me why, because I don't know either. The rest of my day was pretty boring. I started the math homework my sister assigned me, but so far, it's really easy and boring. Maybe I can convince her that I don't need to do practices on the addition, aubtraction, multiplication, and division properties. Currently my sister is in China for vacation with her friend from college, Kara. Maybe I'll skip it and talk to her about it when she comes back in two weeks.
I felt like I had much more to say about my day, but apparently not. Oh, by the way, the song I'm currently listening to, Haru Haru by Big Bang, is really good. I recommend it.

Angel-Tear Moments

It's pretty late, 12:47AM. I was too busy goofing around on Facebook to blog about this earlier, but I'll just do it now. Well, today was my friend, Tanya's, graduation from Whitney high school. She was a valedictorian and everything. She's just like my sister, isn't it a shame that I can't follow in their footsteps? Oh well, self-satisfaction is more important? Yeah, I'm not very pleased with myself, so that kind of failed already. Anyhow, as I was saying, her graduation. I hold a bit of a grudge towards Whitney students because they're so exclusive with their students, I really don't like some of the people my age there because they just used me for their purposes in elementary school, and most importantly because my parents always wanted me to go there. They wanted me to be this smart, overachieving child like my sister. Big laugh right there. Well, today, as I listened to the valedictorian speeches, I felt touched by their words and almost cried. It's pretty embarrassing with my sister on one side and my piano teacher on my other. Since my old piano teacher teaches Tanya, too, so she was invited along to the ceremony. My piano teacher's really cool, she's really involved with her student's lives, but not in a nosy way. She's like a second mother to us. Unfortunately, I had to disappoint her as well by never practicing the piano, always messing up during the recitals and crying in front of the judge like an utter fool, then I just quit. Man, I'm really chewing myself out today. Anyhow, as I attempt to get back on track, the speeches were wonderful. I wish I was able to quote their words about happy endings and new beginnings, able to quote their words with the same amount of spirit as they had at the podium. One said how when people think of Whitney, they think of nerds, but that particular valedictorian loved basketball. However, due to an unfortunate event, he was put in the hospital. "I awoke with not only my family around me, but my friends and my basketball team. Even though I was told I probably wouldn't be able to play basketball this year, with my friends' and team's encouraging words, I didn't lose hope." He talked about the bonds of the family-like sport teams and that even though, to his great dispair, he was unable to play his in his final basketball season of high school, he was able to gain something greater. He was able to become greater friends with his teammates, ones that would last a life time. His speech, even though I loved Tanya's, was the best in my opinion, and sticked in my mind. Well, before the valedictorians, an English teacher had a speech of his own for the graduation address. It was just as grand. His words were funny and touching at the same time, filled with emotion for the students he watches walk away every year. Some come back. Some don't. I wondered about my graduations. We'd all be walking away on different paths. Who knows when or if we'll be able to meet again, my friends and I. But the English teacher, staying true to the subject he teaches, wrote a poem to his students called "The Garden". I wish very much that I was able to absorb every word he said. This isn't even a close imitation of his words, but it's like a blend of what I thought he said and what I thought he meant: "All of you started as seeds that teachers have watered everyday, and look at you grow into trees. I still think of the moments when we were together in class, laughing together, although most of the times you were all laughing at me. But I'll really cherish the times we talked outside of class and were able to get to know each other. And although I may never see you again, I'll look up towards the sun and look for your leaves." Maybe my dad recorded his speech. If that's the case, I'll try to post it up on here, or at least type out his words.
I hope, and yet, I'm sure, I'll meet my friends again, after we've seperated ways. Even if we don't, I'll still remember them vividly in my memories. If not my memories, my heart. I'll look up at the sky every now and then, just to think of them, even for a moment, and wondering if they're thinking of me. Whether we're close friends or distant, I'll remember them and hold tight onto the precious times we've had together. Even the people I said that I hated, the ones who go to Whitney. I still remember them, all the times we've had together in elementray school at recess. Even though I felt like I flipped through friends like the wind to an open blank book. One or two new friends a year, just people I'd hang out with during recess. If not a new friend, there was Michelle, the one person I felt that really understood me behind my violent exterior and liked me because I was me. Not for my food nor for my pens or pencils. She wanted to hang out with me because I was Jenny, as I wanted to be around her because she was Michelle. Even if it's Michelle, my best friend, I wonder if she'll remember me in ten, twenty, thirty years. We'll go to different places, meet new people, make new friends, maybe find someone we'll love for the rest of our lives. However, I'm confident that I won't forget. And hope they'll remember me once in a while, too, my friends, my classmates, everyone. I don't count on it, but I hope and, although I do not believe in God, I pray.

Final Survival?

So, as I was saying in my previous post, about my Futures finals. It was pretty interesting. Our teacher was all telling us to bring a newspaper, but we sure didn't see his test coming! Apparently we were in this desert and in groups of twelve, we had to make a freestanding shelter out of newspaper from the sun and everyone has to sit under it in order for us to pass. We got time to plan beforehand, but after that, we couldn't talk or write down what to say. We all went outside with our newspaper and started the challenge. My group did surprisingly well. We did the best, but it wasn't technically "freestanding" since we taped it to the floor. We were at loss at how to make that crazy thing stand by itself so we just taped it to the floor. Another group had to hold up parts and the last group didn't finish within the twenty minute time limit. It was pretty fun, too. We all cooperated in silence, though we couldn't help ourselves to blurt out some words. Thankfully the teacher wasn't around to fail us for that. I don't know why, but I felt the need to record that moment. A newspaper fortress seems interesting, does it not?

One More Day, Huh?

Just one day remaining. Yes, I have one more day left of school left. Am I happy or sad? I can't say I'm excited for the school year to end. Some of my teachers were really cool and I felt like I learned a lot from them, as well as had lots of fun. Then again, I'm kind of looking forward to the summer. No homework, more time to force myself to work on my stories and paintings. Of course, I'm probably going to end up goofing around most of the time. Hopefully, since my sister is going to be tutoring me over the summer, I won't be a complete lazy bum over the summer. Since I failed to think of anything else for my pros and cons list, allow me to talk about my plans or goals for the summer. Firstly, as my mother reminded me just a moment ago, I planned to clean out my closet of neglected toys that I never play with anymore, donate the good ones and toss out the bad ones. Since my closet is mostly filled with toys my sister and I have accumulated during childhood, I think it's going to be pretty empty once I'm done with it. I'll probably move my books in there, I guess, since the bookshelf is getting a little limited. My sister brought back even more books after coming back from college, since she graduated and all. My room has been really crowded since she came back. Well, anyhow, I also really want to make some serious progress on my current writing project. I have only 18 pages. I hope I'll be able to write a long, meaningful novel. Quality and quantity. I want to get up to at least 30 pages by the end of the summer. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it, but it's worth a shot. I also want to go on a painting rage on all flower decorations we have. Except quite a few of them are really complicated looking. I'm still going to be taking art class over the summer so maybe my skills will improve during that time, which is another hope of mine.
I still need study for my Biology finals tomorrow. A bunch of people have been telling me it's really hard, so that worries me. I need to do some serious studying for this final, no cramming like I did with the other tests. With that, I'm off! (I'll come back to report on my finals for Futures later, it was really fun)

It's You, Not Me

Why is it that when we get scolded by people, assuming that it's for your own good, that you still feel angry at them? I'm having my sister correct my math homework, since pretty much what's on it, all four worksheets of it, is going to be on the final tomorrow. Well, as the typical me, I was messing around on Facebook at the same time and my sister was getting on my case about getting my butt off it. I got angry at her for a moment but I managed to calm the swears in my head, convincing myself that I'm at fault. I have an issue with being wrong. I guess I'm like my mom in that perspective. We hate to be wrong and try to blame others most of the time. In elementary school, the fifth grade, I used to have a friend that I'd play with all the time during recess. One day, this other girl, who seemed to be a a friend of my friend. I'm confusing myself, since I prefer not using names, I'll just use girl A and B. Okay, I'm friends with girl A, then girl B, who seemed to be a friend of girl A, told me that girl A said, "Jenny never says sorry". Something like that, along with the lines that she hates me, girl A. Since then, I've always been pretty conscious of what I say. I'm always afraid of talking because I'm either going to say something rude, something mean, and never sorry. I feel apologetic, but what good does it make if I tell myself that? I already know I'm sorry, it'd do me some good if someone else, particularly the person I hurt, knew, too. Anyhow, my point is? I feel like I need a focus on my ranting. I can switch from one topic to a million different ones that hardly relate. Let me move back to what I was talking about earlier.
So, why is it that we, people, always seem to get angry when we get in trouble, when it's our fault? Another example of that, which is not about myself, is at school. No chewing gum is an obvious and known rule. I doubt that anyone is completely oblivious to the rule's existence. So why people keep chewing gum in class? I don't know. I personally don't like gum very much. Anyhow, so a girl in my class is chewing gum in class, doing a bunch of things against the rules like listening to her I-pod. So the teacher tells her to spit out her gum and took her I-pod away. Since I sit near her, I got to hear a nice chain of curse words aimed at the teacher. If she was new to the school and it was her first day, it would seem just a little bit unfair for her I-pod to be taken away, she should be given a warning. But no, that's not the case. She has been warned several times and teacher just got fed up with it. She should have listened to the teacher rather than rebel. Why do people rebel right upfront against people, teachers especially? If we listen to them, it'd all be okay, people wouldn't in trouble, and they wouldn't get mad at the teachers for punishing them. It seems to me like the uncooperative students are the reason for their own suffering and anger.

Easier Said than Done

So many people don't appreciate what they have. I admit, sometimes I don't fully appreciate all that I have either. Is it so hard to be grateful for everything you have? Yes. When you're in a bad mood and everything seems to be going wrong, you'd rather toss your life away than be happy you've been blessed with it. No, I am not going to talk about how people don't realize how lucky they are for getting schooled and having a roof over their head. What brought this up was just reading a blog of my friend's. It was March and there was a short story contest. You, my dear readers, know quite well that my ambition is to become an author. With that, I want to take every opportunity I can to show my capability and present my work to others. That and I wish to gain acknowledgment from colleges. Well, anyhow, I won last year, but not this year. Sure, I was upset, but I got over myself. There are many great writers out their, my age or not. However, as I was reading my friend's blog, one who happened to win second place, he was saying how he hated how his English teacher is making the class write a story and enter the contest. Then he says how he just wrote whatever for the contest. I felt like I was stabbed through the chest. I put a lot of time and effort thinking about what to write, editing, reading it over, coming up with different ideas to see which one is better. Wouldn't you feel retarded how you get scuffed by a person who didn't even try? If you studied for five hours and you still get a worse score than the person didn't even bother touch their notes. It makes you wonder, was it a difference in luck? Or was it a difference in mind. Or in talent.
That really wasn't on the appreciation topic, but let me just add it doesn't seem like people are grateful or even happy they won. Maybe they are and are trying to hide it so they don't seem like boasting jerks, or they really find it burdensome. Another friend of mine won third place and she was all complaining about this little award ceremony that's given for the contest winners. If you don't want to go, then don't! I fail to understand why she insisted on complaining to me. I swear, I sometimes feel like people just want me to kill them out of irritation. Anyhow, she was acting like it was the most annoying event in her life and in my mind, I thought, "I would trade my life in order to be recognized." That sounds a bit dramatic but it's true. I want my writing to be recognized, I want people to read my work and say if it's good or not. I want people to read the words I've thought about and the feeling I put in. If they appreciate the work I put forth is up to them, and I wish, no. I work hard everyday in hopes of sharing those words I stayed up late to type. To understand them. To understand me.
I don't understand how my blog post follows my little "appreciation" rant in the beginning.

It's a Crazy Life

Allow me to express my deep concern for the world. What I'm talking about is how extremely crazy people can be. So I was eating dinner with my family, I don't remember what we were talking about or why, but my father said something about the basketball team, the Lakers, winning the championships and their fans robbed a store and burned a car. First of all, why? Just because your team wins the championships, must you cause trouble? Honestly. I mean, burning a car and robbing a store. I don't know how to say how ridiculous the thought crossing their minds sound to me. It's worse than when I thought, "Where's the 'restart' button!" So the team you're cheering for wins, you get the right to steal? You get to destory people's cars? Are they so high on the victory of their team that they don't care about other people anymore? All that matters is that, "The Lakers won! Let's go cause chaos or something!" I don't understand what they could be thinking. What's next? "?hy dont' we just kill the next random person we see on the street?" It's just so, so, so, absurb! Ugh, talking about this frustrates me. I worry about how some people think and how it'll effect the sane.

Tell Me the Reason Why

It's past midnight, I need to wake up early for school tomorrow (today) to turn in my textbooks, I still need to last minute cram for my English and Spanish finals, so why am I here? I don't even know why myself. I just feel like a little rant. My friend sent me an email saying "don't you sometimes wish Life was like a Word document? You can use the scrollbar to whiz past the ugly moments of life, the undo button to undo mistakes, the "Find" tool to find missing things, the highlight thingy to highlight the good parts of you and have people not focus on the bad things so much." I was just like, wow. I don't know how to say this. "Deep" is the word? "Good reason"? I'm at a loss of words a lot lately. Not good since I'm shifting into a writing mode for the summer. Anyhow, I was just impressed by something she said. Then I kind of wondered what if we could do those things. I remember a time in elementary school, I played so much video games over the summer, came back to school, and when I messed up, I actually thought, "Where's the restart button?" I feel really dumb for thinking that, but what if there was one? You could start everything over so it's right. You could do things your way, have the life you wanted. What the point, though? To be happy? What about other people? Let's say you want to be with a guy, so you use that "restart" button to your advantage so you end up with him? What about another girl who wanted that guy? Would she have a "restart", too? If she ends up taking your man from you, what would you do in response? Have a "restart" war? Ignore my really weird example for a moment and think about it. Someone is going to have to be miserable. The only thing is to toughen up. The world is not full of smooth roads and if you trip, you've got to wipe those tears out of your eyes, get up, and keep going. "Suffering builds character", I quote from The Wanderer by Sharon Creech.
I've watched many animes and read plenty of books where the creator expressed their view on the "meaning of life". What really is the meaning of life? I wonder. It seems like it can be anything. I guess whatever floats your boat, that's the meaning of life to you. To me, I think the meaning of life is to experience things. Live for the sorrowful and painful times (I don't mean to be masochistic). Yearn for those happy and carefree moments. Feel all sorts of emotions! Feel love, sad, happy, envy, pain, joy, sympathy, apathy, excited, anger, lust, sinful, crazy, sick, anxious, embarrassed, satisfaction, nervous, hurt, elated, shocked, depressed, emotional, and so many more feelings! Meet different people with unique looks, personalities, hobbies, and talents. Encounter millions of events that could happen only for you. Our lives are different, let's explore them and realize "no one will have the same life as mine". May we relish the good and bad times is dependent on the person, but I, for one, feel like my life would be empty if I left a blank where all the bad times were supposed to be. I'd still feel empty if I only experienced happy feelings, because I've never seen the other side or know what it's like. If bad feelings were erased entirely? If there was no such thing as negative feelings, that's a different story for another day.

Incomplete

I was doing more math review worksheets, but I was listening to more songs by The Last Goodnight and I really like this song, "Incomplete".
Can I have your attention, please?
If you didn't want the garden, why did you plant the seed?
You're making promises that you never keep,
Now you deal with the consequences down on your knees.
And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives,
Maybe we will live forever,
And maybe we don't have to think it's right.
And maybe we will.
I don't feel what you feel,
I don't want to feel this incomplete.
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between.
Everyone knows you're my one regret,
Everyone knows you're my one weakness.
The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die.
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky.
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind.
You'll never believe this.
And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives,
Maybe we will live forever,
And maybe we don't have to think it's right,
And maybe we will.
I don't feel what you feel,
I don't want to feel this incomplete.
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between.
Everyone knows you're my one regret,
Everyone knows you're my one weakness.
The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die.
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky.
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind.
You'll never believe this.
And I can see you now reaching out for me,
And I can feel you now setting yourself free.
Everyone knows you're my one regret,
Everyone knows you're my one weakness.
I don't feel what you feel,
I don't want to feel this incomplete.
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between.
Everyone knows you're my one regret,
Everyone knows you're my one weakness.
And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives,
Maybe we will live forever,
And maybe we don't have to think it's right,
And maybe we will.
The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die.
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky.
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind.
You'll never believe this.

Flaws are Only Seen when You Take a Step Back

I need to do my math homework, but I wanted to talk about an interesting person I've encountered today. I didn't really talk to her, more like observe her. So my sister came home today and had to go to this place where she got laser eye surgery, to get her eyes checked up. Her appointment was at 2PM, which is normally when I have art class. My parents just moved the time back, so I went at 4. Obviously, when I got there, there were different people than there would have been two hours ago. I sat down to paint and it wasn't until after 45 minutes when I paid attention to her. She sat diagonally behind me, so I couldn't look at her unless I turned around, which is obvious and rude. Anyhow, apparently she was painting a portrait of herself for school and it was due on Monday. She kept sighing irritably loudly and groaned angrily when the teacher tried to help her. She talked to this other girl she knew in the class, saying how the teacher doesn't teach her how to do anything. He picks up the brush and paints on your painting, telling you to watch how he does it, but not to touch what he did. The girl was angry at the teacher because she thought it looked weird, not only that, she said, "Even if this ends up looking beautiful, I'm not going to be proud of it because I didn't paint half of this. I liked the neck, but the teacher went and ruined it. I kind of like the hair because I did part of it." In a way, it annoyed me, yet it made sense that she was frustrated. She seemed like the kind of person, to me, who have a great sense of independence? I'm not sure how to say this, but she seems like the kind of girl who'd look in the mirror and beat herself up or insult others because she didn't do something herself. I found her to be an interesting person, not because of her personality, but it reminded me a little of myself. To clarify, when I was still playing the piano, I'd always sigh and make unhappy faces whenever my teacher corrected me. Whether or not I liked it, she was helping me, and her patience was ever-enduring. I pity that she, my family, my friends, had and have to deal with me sometimes. I feel like I just realized that now, though. How rudely I behaved when my piano teacher was trying her best to help me. It's sad how people under appreciate others sometimes, and don't realize it until much later. Rather, it's sad how people don't realize that they're mistaken until another person with that flaw passes before their eyes and then they think, "was I ever like that?" Some people, actually, don't care or even recognize it. They complain about people they know and say what they don't like about that person, and it's funny when that's what other people hate about them! Am I even being coherent anymore? I'll give an example. Let's say a loud person complains about another person who is also obnoxiously loud, and the people listening is wondering if they should tell the person complaining that they are practically complaining about themself. Something like that. I don't know what my point is anymore, now.

Good Morrow

I'm fully ticked off at my school library now. They told me they'd accept underclassmen returns today morning, they still only attended seniors! So basically I woke up and went to school for nothing. I just to showed up, some of my classmates see me, and going to wonder, "Where's Jenny? I saw her this morning," in class, that or not notice I'm gone. Ugh, oh well. Thankfully, I learned from my friend's sister, who's a senior, that there is not late fee. Thank goodness for that much. I guess that it's good to wake up early once in a while I suppose. I get to, um, write my stories? Yeah, that's a good idea, I should go do that.
Wait! I'm getting pretty forgetful these days, aren't I? Anyhow, I just wanted to comment on the family visiting us. They seem to get along pretty well, the children. They don't get into fights or anything, unlike some siblings. They just play together, except the oldest, he seems to just watch them and laugh when something funny happens. Yeah, that all I was all I wanted to say.

From the Calm to the Chaos

I seemed to have left out several important details about my life today. I'm going to attempt to compress it down into a nice little blog post, since my dad's going to turn off the Internet soon.
So I said earlier about going to school early tomorrow, right? Well, the reason for that is that my sister's graduation is tomorrow. Yup, she's getting out of college, only to move from Caltech to Stanford. Well, I wanted to there on her special day, therefore, I'm going to have to miss class. But the school year is winding down, which means we need to turn in our textbooks back into the school library. I was going to turn in my Spanish textbook in today after school, since I had it with me and all, but the after waiting in line, the librarian tells me it's only seniors, since their last day of school is Friday, so the library's top priority is to get them clear. I wasn't particularly mad about that, but when I walked across the street to the city library to get picked up by my mom, I met my friend, Erica, there waiting, too. She said that she heard that you get charged a late fee if you don't turn you books in on the designated day. That kind of disturbed me. The librarians are picky with any damage you caused the textbooks and charge you a pretty hefty price sometimes. I fear that I'll be charged, despite the fact I was trying to be careful with them, and I don't want a late fee placed upon it. And so, I decided to come to school early in the morning to turn in my books, since that was a time, the librarian told me, that they'd accept underclassmen returns. So that's what happened.
Now school starts at 7:45AM, and I expect a line of people, so I need to be at school at least around 7:15. Since being late will cause me going to school in vain and wake up an hour earlier than I would need to tomorrow (we need to leave of my sister's school around 8:30), I need to actually wake up tomorrow morning. Now, why am I still awake you may ask? Well, I don't sleep until 2AM for pretty much the entire school year--I'm going to have to do something about that next year--it's really early right now for me to go to bed. Not only that, we had guests over. My dad invited his old friend and family over or something like that. They have two boys and a little girl, so five new people are living at our house for three nights. My family already consists of my parents, my grandma, and myself. That's nine people. The sleeping arrangements are complicated, so I might speak of that some other time. Anyhow, I found it impolite to ignore them completely, so I went outside, said hi, stood around awkwardly, and talked to the little girl. She speaks Chinese better than me! I love that, she's so cute. She's four-years old, by the way. The other two boys seem to be afraid of me or something, if I look in their direction, they walk off somewhere else. Oh well, not the first time it's happened. I don't know how old they are. I'm pretty certain that the eldest is, at most, in the seventh grade. The other one is probably in the fifth or sixth grade. So yeah, the house was buzzing with noise, but now it's all quiet since most of the people have gone to bed. The family is going to Disneyland tomorrow. My grandma always goes to bed early. My parents are still probably getting ready for bed, but their door is closed. Well, I should join everyone in the land of sleep.
Wait! I almost forgot. My counselor appointment. Yes, I got one and it was today. I went to her concerning my schedule and my desire to have seven classes. I went to my counselor, Ms. Chan, a few months back and she told me about how schools got a budget cut, so they're going to have to lay teachers off, meaning teaching a zero period is not a really certain option. And she told me that they'd probably have the list of teachers teaching a zero period by May and June. So it's June and I came running back to her to find out they didn't get the schedule. Ms. Chan said something about how they had it ready around this time last year, but it just didn't work out this year because of budget cuts again? I'm not too sure how that worked its way into the picture, but anyhow, Ms. Chan said that in August, there's a school orientation, and she said that I can talk to her then. I don't really mind the push-back, but I'm really curious what I'm going to be doing next year. Am I have seven classes or not? Am I going to take journalism or I am I able to switch something to work for me? Everything is still on hold.
Now that I failed to compress this blog post, I'm actually going to bed now, yay. It feels weird going to bed at this time, 12:06, but oh well, I'll get over myself.

Calm of the Storm

I feel a strange tranquility. A moment ago I was frustrated and irritated. Now, I just feel calm and at ease. I don't understand this odd sensation of my soul. I noticed it this morning. I felt so mellow and calm that it disturbed me.
A few moments ago, in the car, on the way from school, I got annoyed with my mother for not listening to what I was saying. I was telling her that I'd have to go to school early in the morning tomorrow to turn in a textbook, then a few moments later, she asks me when I needed to go. This happens everyday, and that's what really makes me angry. Once in a while, I wouldn't mind, she has lots of things to think about, too, I'm sure of. Except it's everyday. Everyday when I talk to her, she doesn't seem to listen, and if she does, it goes in one ear, out another (there's a chinese proverb for that). When I need to go somewhere and tell her what time to go, I'm always late because when I need to go, my dad, since my mom's too lazy to drive me, sees me and says he didn't know that I have to go now. I tell him I told mom, but then she chimes in and demands that I said nothing to her. I really feel like my mother has an issue with being wrong, too. No matter what, it's either my dad's fault, my sister's fault, or mine, she's never wrong or something. I don't remember a time when my mom easilly admitted, "Oh, I'm sorry, that's my fault." She always has to blame it on someone or something else. Anyhow, going back on track, I was really ticked at my mom and then I got home and sat down in front of my desk. Then there was that sudden enlightment again. I felt lighter somehow, it made my head feel like it was spinning. Then I was at peace with myself and everything else. Prehaps I'm bipolar or extremely moody, I can't tell the difference between the two.

Painted Mask

These tears mean nothing
If they roll down this painted mask.
For it is not a tear,
But still wet paint
Running
From hollow,
Black,
Soulless
Eyes.
Strip the aged and layered paint.
Its colors have faded
And begun to chip and peel
At the corners of the face.
Tear it off,
Tear it all off.
Destroy the wretched thing
Until it is bare and blank.
Get new paint and a new brush.
Let us not draw past mistakes again
But paint something new and something bright.
Let hand,
Brush,
Mind,
And soul
Free.
Have no bounds
In showing the true me.
In showing the real you.

New Blog Name

I randomly decided to change my blog template and the name. Therefore, from "Tears of Sunshine", my blog is now known as, "Wronged Angel Tears". It sounds pretty weird and corny, but that's alright, I like corny stuff. And corn.

Poison Kiss

Before I leave. I really like this song, "Poison Kiss" by The Last Goodnight. It's my best friend, Michelle, loves this band, apparently.
Your eyes don't lie, it gives you away.
You say, you say, everything is different today.
Your footsteps fall all over the place.
You're up, you're down. A butterfly caught in a cage.
I don't know why I needed you more. I don't know how you got through the door.
I don't know where you were.
But back and forth, back and forth.
This is the last goodbye I'm ever gonna say.
This is the last goodnight I'm ever gonna waste.
This kiss is poisonous. If you can't control the way it enters your soul.
One love, one life, one love is better then you tonight.
Sunday driver, you never get for.
You call, you call, everyone is juggling hearts.
You think that you never make mistake.
You say, you say, everyone else is to blame.
I don't know what. I don't know how you got through the door.
I don't know where you were.
But back and forth, back and forth.
This is the last goodbye I'm ever gonna say.
This is the last goodnight I'm ever gonna waste.
This kiss is poisonous. If you can't control the way it enters your soul.
The devil inside, I see your eyes changing, green to white.
There is nowhere to hide.
Inside I feel the same, I feel the same way, too.
Your eyes don't lie, they give you away
You say, you say everything is different today
This is the last goodbye I'm ever gonna say.
This is the last goodnight I'm ever gonna waste.
This kiss is poisonous. If you can't control the way it enters your soul.
This is the last goodbye I'm ever gonna say.
This is the last goodnight I'm ever gonna waste.
This kiss is poisonous. If you can't control the way it enters your soul.
One love, one life, one love is better then you tonight.
One love, one life, one love is better then you tonight.

Sweet Relief

Ah, sweet relief. Math test. Done. Spanish Orals. Done. I must say, I was extremely relieved today was done and over with (school day, that is). I studied last night more than I did all year. Except that doesn't really say much since I failed to study at all this year. That would explain something about my grades last semester. Anyhow, the mat test was hard, as I predicted. I think I did okay, though, thanks to studying yesterday night and cramming right before the test. I didn't totally blank out and filled in every problem. Now all there is to do is wait for the results. My Spanish orals. Yeah, whatever. I was clueless on two questions, ended up making up something that barely makes sense. I think I used the wrong verb form on this other question. But you know what? I don't even care anymore right now because I'm done. If I get a 60% on orals (hopefully not, that's lower than what I got last semester's orals that I didn't even study for), I'll drop 3% and get an 'A-' in the class. If I do okay on the other parts of the finals, I should be okay. At least my Spanish grade will be better than my math and biology grade in the end. Ugh, I should really study next year. Maybe I'll actually get a decent grade my parents could be indifferent about rather than be angry about. Maybe not. As I've said in previous posts, I can tell I'm going to be pretty busy next year. I really need to change my working habits, then I can have more time to blog, more time to talk to friends online, more time to write my stories, more time to sleep! Oh, and more time to study. I guess.
Huh, I don't have much homework today, but I should get it done now. I'll blog again maybe when I finish. Hopefully that'll motivate me to actually focus on my work.

How Can I *Not* Worry?

With my current theme, you can't see the title, but it says, "How Can I *Not* Worry?" And indeed, how can I not? I have an Algebra II test tomorrow, and it's going to be killer hard. I can tell. I don't remember the formulas! Will I remember when to use the explict formula? Will I used the geometric one when I was supposed to use the arithmetic one on accident? I already have a low 'B' in that class, and this test is really not helping my nerves. I guess I'll have to review my notes again, later. Not to mention that, I have Spanish orals tomorrow. I told myself over and over again, I'm going to study for my orals early, it's not going to be like last time. You know what I got last time on my orals? 86.7. Out of 130. You do the math. I'm too disgusted to put up the number on here. Yeah. That's not going to happen this time, or so I thought. I just hope I don't just end up saying "uuum" as my answers. At least I got some help from randomly following Yasmin to Revathi's house to study. Maybe I'll get a 'C' this time. Now that I've ranted a bit about my stress that comes with the next sunrise, I'm going to go study. Seriously.

Vocals?

I'm not even close to being done with my homework, but I was just singing along to this one song I like, "Poison Kiss" by The Last Goodnight, then I wondered what my voice sounded like. Since the Eustachian canal (if I recall correctly from Biology) connects your ears to your jaws, or something like that, does that mean you hear yourself differently then others? Because whenever you record your voice and listen to it, you're just like, ew, stop it! Is it the microphone that's being used at fault or is that really the voice people hear? But when your friend records their voice, it sounds just the way they sound. It maybe a little weird, but it's basically it, that's their voice. I wonder sometimes what other people hear and see.
At some point in my life, in elementary school perhaps, that we can only see out of our own eyes. It seems like I was a little behind on the update, but I felt really confused. I don't really recall the emotion, but I my head was spinning for a moment as I thought about it. What does everyone else see? What does everything mean to them? What's it like to not be about to see? It seems pretty simple in a way, but I, then and now, feel it's really complicated.

Procrastinator

I wonder why I insist on procrastinating until the end. I tell myself if I get it done now, I can relax later without any problems. What do I do? "Hey, look, it's 12AM, I should start my homework now!" Story of my crazy life.
How am I going to finish my story like this, when I use my procrastinating time on doing nothing? Use my procrastinating time on my story? Yeah, that failed. Next year, I'm going to have seven classes, maybe, and I want to participate in Octagon more. How do I plan on finishing all my homework and do all the stuff I want to do? I really need to learn how to prioritize my time. Have some self-control. School before anything else. Okay. I need to go. I have a 101-problem math assignment and I'm only 61/101 done. Ugh, why is this so hard? I still have a lot of English homework to do, too. I really hate my English teacher sometimes, I really do.

Dreamy

I kind of wonder what I'm going to do next year. If I think about it, I'm packing in a lot. I want to take seven classes. Six of them are required for me to take apparently, and I want to take journalism. If I do get a zero period (it isn't official yet, I still have to make an appointment with my counselor) that means I'll be waking up earlier in the morning for class then, which also means less time to mess around and less time to sleep. I also want to continue with Octagon, trying to participate in all the events, stay after school to help out, go out to all the games and cheer on people with the others. I was even thinking about trying for an officer position next year, thanks to Theodore's encouraging words. Of course, journalism and Octagon seems like it'll be taking a lot of my time. Next year I'm not planning to take dance class anymore, so that won't be a problem, and thankfully I quit piano class a long time ago (mainly because I realized piano really wasn't my thing). However, I have Chinese school and art class on Saturdays. I learned this year that lots of the events take place on Saturdays, like the Cherry Blossom Festival and Beach Clean-Up. I don't want to miss out especially on those two!
Naturally, I won't be glad if I don't get a zero period, either. I was really happy that I got chosen to be part of the staff amongst the others. It made me feel like I was worthy enough to be graced with a spot. Which brings me upon cross country in my mind.
When I was in cross country, the thought always came to me. "Why am I here? Was it because my friends begged me to? Was it because I wanted to hang out with my friends who I can't even keep up with? Was it because I had nothing else to do? Was it because I liked to run? What was my reason of being here?" My parents already have been giving me the feeling that I wouldn't be staying. I sucked, frankly speaking. Why did I continue to go every morning? And now, why do I feel a strange feeling of dread to go back there? My mind has been conflicting for a while. Would I go to cross country summer training or not? It seemed like a waste of time and waste of effort to me. I'm not good, I improve slowly, if hardly. I just wake up every morning to greet an elongated jog around town and the hammering of my chest. On the other hand, it's good to get some exercise. I sometimes run around the neighborhood (I confess that that isn't often, you can hardly consider it a monthly run) which is nice, it's stress free and relaxing. No one to pulls you over your limits and no one to watches you walk as they run past you saying, "Good job, guys", and you can't even respond because you just feel like you're about to die any second. But not being pushed isn't particularly good, though. You can sloth around all you want then, you'll never get better, and there's really no point that you even stepped out the door. There's no benefit besides that you feel good about yourself for a minute and then the moment you get back home, it's back to being a couch potato. And so the two sides of me clash. To go or not to go, that is the question?
When I scan up the page, I honestly wonder about my train of thought. It all seems to ramble on and the topic changes constantly. I confuse myself sometimes. In my writing and in my life. What do I even want to do, I wish I knew?

In Just a Flash

Wow. I must say. Wow. So, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I went to volunteer at Gonsalves's cultural fair, "A Taste of Gonsalves", for Octagon and I must say, I had so much fun. I'm in such a good mood. Wow. I can't believe I was in such a rotten mood before! So I had to run to get a tennis ball and we may or may not run on Monday as a punishment, big "boo hoo". I forgot to do some of my homework, wah, the world's going to end. Oh, I might have done bad on my Spanish written, oh no, whatever will I do? Isn't it funny that depending on your mood, you just feel so stupid for feeling or acting the way you did? Well, allow me to rant on some more happier (optimistic) things to make up for my negative (pessimistic) rambling I did earlier.
So after scarfing down some food for dinner and rushing to get to Gonsalves I felt kind of lost. I didn't go to Gonsalves for elementary school, nor have I been there before. There a ticket stand and at first I thought, "Shoot, was I supposed to bring money?" I told the people at the table that I was there to volunteer and they slid a paper towards me and asked if my name was on there. I was all panicking that it wasn't, but the kind ladies pointed me to someone else who just sent me off to work at the craft's center. Once again, I was feeling lost and insecure. I mean, I had no idea where the craft's center was supposed to be. Then I saw a fellow Octagoner, Brian, and he pointed me in the right direction. However, after going into the room, for the third time, I was at lost what in the world I should be doing. They asked me to help them with the children and their crafts, but it didn't seem like they needed much help. I managed to find the women who was in charge of the chaotic scene and placed me at an empty table.
It was kind of slow because all the kids that ran by just looked at me and kept going. Others were like, this seems boring and walked off to amuse themselves. I was just doodling on the table, since it was covered in paper, then a friend of mine, Pooja, popped up. She was nice enough to stick around and keep me company. She even took one of the color pages. Each cultural group gets to chose what they wanted to do (I overheard this information for a teacher named Mrs. Anderson). The table I was at, it seemed that the Hindi group wanted to have a coloring page of their flag and give children and example of how to write and pronounce, "Hello", "Welcome", and "Goodbye". Pooja was prideful of being Indian and wrote many other words I didn't understand. We sat around talking for a bit. This one man walked past and said, "Hey, they tell you how to say 'Hi' in Chinese." Pooja and I just laughed. At least he was able to tell I was Chinese. Pooja later had to leave to watch her brother perform and I was alone once again. Then a little girl came and actually colored. She was sociable little girl, thankfully for me, since I'm not really one to start a conversation myself. Her name was Sydney. She talked about how she loved crayons (which were used to color) and wanted to be an artist.
When she was done with the sheet she left and soon after that, we had to clean up. I was thankful that I had something I could actually help out with. However, when I was cleaning, the teacher in charge of Octagon, Ms. K, saw me wearing my shirt and came over to talk to me. She was asking me about things about signing in and getting free tickets for food, but since I told her I wasn't too sure where to go--Ms.K said lots of people didn't--she lead me to the Italian stand where one of the Octagoner's mom was helping out at. I got five free tickets and signed in, but I figured that I should continue help cleaning the crafts center and decided to head back there. But first, one of the student helpers intercepted me and asked if I wanted a necklace. It had white, green, and red beads (the colors of the Italian flag). I gave him a ticket for it.
When I got into the crafts center they were still cleaning so I just helped pick up trash and such. Sydney was there and she helped out with me. She seems like such a nice little girl. We talked while cleaning. Somehow we got onto talking about the food being served out in stands and Sydney was saying how she couldn't even get tickets to buy food, but the teacher looked her suspiously, as if it was her that brought food into the crafts center, which isn't allowed. So I decided to give her one of mine, since I didn't know what I'd use them for. Later, when we were done cleaning, she asked if I could be her friend. That was so cute! I was like, "Aww, sure. But we're probably not going to see each other very much, though." Then Sydney, being the cute girl she is, says, "It's okay, we can still be friends even though we can't see each other." That was so, so, so, so cute! I could have hugged her, but it seemed kind of awkward for me, since I'm not the hugging-type.
Well, Sydney's mother was beckoning her to go and that was my goodbye to my new little friend. Since my business was done in the room, I went outside to go look around. I felt kind of weird by myself so I went back to the Italian booth to get Napoleons (a pastry) that even had a little Italian flag on top of it. It was good. The people at the stand got me another one for free! That was nice of them. Except I was still full from dinner, so I just carried it around with me everywhere.
So basically everything was slowly closing down, so I decided to help out. I went to the booth that Brian and another Octagoner, Cherise, were at and helped them. Apparently Brian love Napoleons so I gave him mine, so that got rid of it. I just ran around offering my help and such, taking down banners, decorations, and other things. Before I knew it, it was already dark. I met other Octagoners, Theodore and Marrisa (it was her mother that was helping out). I got to talk to both of them a bit, so that was nice. Last minute bonding with my fellow members, well, they're actually officers. It was fun talking and working with them. Theodore, the new president of Octagon since yesterday, I believe (since at the banquet, they were telling who was chosen to be the new Octagon officers for the next year. I forgot to mention that in my other post), if not, I know he was and is an Octagon officer. Well, anyhow, he was talking to me about being paired up with an officer next year to organize an event and I could get experience, maybe running for a position next year, too. I was touched really. I was kind of ashamed, too, since I didn't participate that much. It was just yesterday (I was helping him clean yesterday, too, now that I think about it) and today that I was everywhere trying to help. But still, I was really glad he gave me that consideration.
And so, I came home with delicious Philipino rice cakes that I got with the rest of my tickets, I even got two free ones! The people there are sure generous.
I wish my elementary school had a huge cultural fair like Gonsalves's. Pooja claimed that she thought of having a cultural fair when she was class president and that the school stole her idea and didn't give her credit. When I told her I wished my school had a fun event like their's, Pooja said, "That's because they didn't have me!" Well, I was glad to have a good time and helping out. It felt good when people thanked me for helping them clean up. I hope I'll be able to do it again next year!

Take It, Take All My Happiness, I Don't Need It

How typical. How very typical. Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life and today insisted that it take back every once of my joy. So yeah, as you can assume, today was an awful day.
So, in first period, Futures, nothing bad happened, I was just utterly bored. We weren't even doing anything, so we just sat around, and for those who have friends in the class, they talked to each other. I just took a nap and then we had to read this one passage thing, I don't even know what it's for, but it's this really depressing story about how this girl got murdered nearby her apartment. Even though she screamed and the people in her apartment saw what was happening, no one called the police until much later. The the passage all goes into this psychological kind of thing about, why didn't they do anything?
In second period, Algebra II, it was okay, we looked over our homework and I seemed to have gotten the gist of it. Then we got our homework. Our 101 problem math homework. It's so painful to do. Especially when we're supposed to only do half of it, but if we do the entire thing, we get extra credit. I need that extra credit. My math grade isn't even funny. It's nearing the edge of a 'C+'. So basically, I'm doing the entire thing reluctantly.
Third period, I have Biology, which means test time! I think I did okay, but yeah. Hopefully I don't drop my grade. I think I have a 'B' in there? Hopefully I won't go down to my math grade. That would suck a lot. Besides the test, there wasn't anything bad or good about that period.
After snack it went downhill.
In fourth period, P.E., we're playing tennis and all, so I was kind of excited, since I used to play a little and thought it was pretty fun. Well, I haven't played in a long while, so I'm horrible now, but that's not what upset me. The guy my team was versing chucks the ball over, it's our serve, but it was head towards me. I just held my racket out and guess what, it flew over the gate and outside. I ran to go get it, but then these other girls were like, "Oh, since you're going out there, can you get ours?" So I all run around the parking lot looking for their ball. Then I run around the tennis courts and around the fence, since I didn't want to jump it. The thing was that since I didn't, I had to run a bit of a distance to the opening of the wired fence, then run the same distance down to get the ball. Then after I got it, I ran the length of the fence, then back down it again, and back around the tennis courts. Since I figured I'd be a burden to my team if I was gone too long, I sprinted and was exhausted when I finally got back. And for some reason, my mood went from tired to extremely ticked off. We play two games a period, so in our second game this other teams shot the ball off into the parking lot area. Then after the game I asked them if they got the ball, then they're like, we have to get that? My irritated response, "Yes, you have to get the freakin' ball, Sherlock. I'm so not running laps Monday because of you." But they were was too lazy to do anything so I went looking for it, but it was in this closed off area that I couldn't get into unless I climb over the fence and it was bell was going to ring soon, my teacher left with the cart of rackets and calls already, so I ran off to the locker room. Hopefully the teacher doesn't count how many tennis balls she has.
Then in fifth period, English, apparently, I didn't do more then half the homework assignment. We're reading Romeo and Juliet and we have to summarize the stuff that's happening. So I thought the homework was to summarize Act II Scene iv, v, vi and do Act II study questions. Well when I got into the classroom and the television with our agenda on it, said our teacher was stamping Act III Scene i, ii, ii, and iv, also. I was just like, no freakin' way. Of course, my teacher has no mercy and won't allow late assignments (sometimes I wish teachers wouldn't prep us for college life). Hopefully the summaries are too many points. I was so happy that I finally got an 'A' in that class. Anyhow, continuing with my bad day, we got a bunch of homework, also. Act II and IV study questions, Act IV Scene i, ii, iii, iv, and v summaries. It's not that hard to do any of that stuff, but it's still quite a bit of work.
Lunch was bleak, the friend I'm purposely ignoring really gets on my nerves without even having to talk to me. I still heard and see what he does once in a while and they annoy me to no end, so I left to go eat somewhere else.
Finally, it was sixth period. It killed me. It was Spanish and we had our written finals today. As always, I disappoint my writer and student-self. I just hope I don't get an 'F' on it. The topic wasn't hard or anything. Write an email to your friend about what you did last week. Then ask your friend specific questions about what they did last week. Finally, end your emails by inviting them somewhere. I think my vocabulary usage was pretty good, I felt like I used words that others may have not thought of using. I was starting to grow cocky because I remembered how to say "I invite you" in Spanish. It's not even that impressive now that I think about it. Anyhow, my brain was probably reduced to a peanut after that, I couldn't even think of words to say when people talked to me. But you know what? I have Chinese finals tomorrow, and I'm volunteering at Gonsalves Elementary School tonight from 7-8PM. So it's not like I have that much time to study afterwords because I'll probably be wasted. I have 56 vocabulary words, how to write it, how to use it in context, know what they mean, and how to say it. There's probably going to be a listening portion, fill in the blanks, and make sentences on the test. Out of the 56 I probably know 5 so far. My friend claimed she was taking Chinese over the summer and I just laughed at her. I can't even begin to understand why anyone would want to take Chinese classes over the summer. I don't even have Chinese school over the summer. I would go crazy if we had to keep going through the summer, just absolutely crazy. You don't even understand how much I hate Chinese and how insanely hard it is for me. If I studied everyday for about four hours, maybe I'd get it, but of course, my irresponsible self loves to procrastinate and I probably end up cramming the last minute and fail the class.

Octagon

Octagon is so cool. I'm not even kidding.
"What is this feeling of love that makes my heart ache so much now that it's come to an end? The end of this love that I've only begun to realize was inside me all this time."
Yeah. That's how I feel. So today was the Octagon Club banquet. It was so much fun. When I first got there with Diana, I waited for her to show up before going in, I was confused what was happening. The Octagon officers were passing out pins, papers, and tickets. Since Octagon is a division, or something, under the Optimist Club, our little game for the banquet was that if you say "no" (which is not optimistic!) then your pin gets taken away by the person who points it out first. The people who got the most pins won a prize at the end. I got tricked into saying "no" several times, and I managed to get my pin back, only to accidentally say "no" again, then get it taken away. It was hard to not say "no" but it was all good fun there with Diana and Hee Soo, my two Octagon buddies.
I totally went crazy from drinking soda. I normally don't drink soda, since I personally don't like it, but there wasn't anything else, so I took one. But when I do drink soda, I go on super hyper mode. Not even joking there. Every time I laughed, my face turned all red and I'd just keep laughing like I was hysterical.
Anyhow, the officers were giving out certificates to people who had a lot of hours in the club, HeeSoo got one, but Diana and I didn't. I really regret not participating in the club now. It's kind of late since there's not going to be any more activities except for tomorrow, which I'm going to! Next year, though, I'll try to go to all the events and dedicate more time into my club.
So there was also a raffle, and I won! I never win stuff! I actually won this other thing, too, but the officers were like, "That's just to make you feel good for winning something." Yeah, that was weird, but I was happy I won anything, period.
I really regret not getting more involved in the Octagon events. I honestly do. Isn't it sad that I only realized today, on the last meeting, that I really love Octagon? It's the only place that I really felt like I belonged. With my friends, yes, it's fun, we know each other really well, but sometimes, I feel like I'm not even there, and I feel like sometimes they aren't fully conscious I'm there either. It's probably out individual attention is spent on someone else, so I'm bound to not be focused on once in a while, and I understand. My undying love for my friends will never change because of my selfish need for their attention. Perhaps I do the same thing to them without even realizing. But, continuing on, the other clubs I'm in, we hardly do anything, we never get to bond, we never get together, and we never have fun together. Even though most of the people in Octagon don't know me very much, if at all, and they don't talk to me, but there's this feeling I felt today. It was as though I was part of something, something I don't even feel like when I'm with my family. It was like an aching pain of love in my heart. I'm not even sure how to explain this sensation I feel in my chest.
Today was a really good day. Maybe my best in a long time. I had lots of fun. Besides Octagon, in Biology, this girl I sit next to named Kara, I used to sit next to her in Science last year, in the 8th grade. She and I, along with two others, Athalia and Alec, sat at a table and would always be laughing over something together. Well, anyhow, Kara finally brought me the picture we took together on the last day of school. Those were really good times.
This song almost makes me want to cry. It's "Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects. Elliot, one of the Octagon officers played this song on his guitar and sang to it today. I'm sad that all these happy feelings will just be a memory in my heart, just like many I carry along with me. I wonder how many people of Octagon will remember and cherish this day as much as I, or if Kara will think back to the 8th grade even after we've grown old, to just say, "I remember that class, it was so much fun. Jenny was Freefall, Athalia was Apple Crack, and Alec was Dorkstar."
Ah, now I am crying.

Let the Winds Blow Me from Here

Hear my thunder, hear my cry.
Hear my roar and hear my sigh.
See my lightning, see my tears.
See my bravery and see my fears.
Hey.
Let the winds blow me from here.
Hey.
To somewhere beyond what I see,
To discover who I'll come to be,
Let the winds blow me from here.
Hey, hey, take me away.
Hey, hey, don't lead me astray.
Hey.
Let the winds blow me from here.
Take me far away from here.
Somewhere beyond what I see.
Somewhere where I can be free.
Twist me gently in your breeze
Let me fly beyond the trees.
Release me from these chains
So I can see across the plains.
What is this emotion
As I stare at the crashing ocean?
Why can I feel light with all these possibilities
And feel so heavy from all the responsibilities?
Hey, hey, let me stay here.
Hey, hey, don't lead me astray.
Let me look longer at what is near,
Before you let the winds blow me from here.