Cold as Stone

Mood: happy; thoughtful; sad
Currently: still working on my English essay
Listening to: the humming of my computer; the ticking of my clock

I was working on my essay, starting to feel proud of my work, and started to credit my sister for helping me finding stronger points to make. However, that just caused a huge explosion of thoughts that I couldn't help to come here and record. My sister, I swear, is extremely bored at grad-school, even though the school she's going to is supposedly really hard, but after the school she went to for college, there's just no amount work that can compare. Why do I think this way? From the 6th grade to 9th, I hardly hear a word from her. She doesn't come back home very often, even though her school was a few hours drive away. She forgets to call back home all the time, and pretty much never IMed me. It was really almost as if she didn't exist for those four years. Now, though, she IMs me, not to tell Dad to call her when he comes back home, but to just say things such as, "I love you!" And my response is usually, "anyhow . . .", "meh", or "okay". I've realized for quite a long time that I hardly show any love towards my sister. It's not like I don't love her, I do, very much so, but it's like I can't express it to her. When she does come home once every blue moon, you'd think we'd hug with tears in our eyes at our reunion (not really, but you get my point). Instead, she comes into my room, asks for a hug, where I proceed to sigh and give her an awkward hug, as if I didn't want to hug her. Now that I think about it, I feel like I show more care and love to people other than my family. With my friends, I can freely say that I loved them like they were my sisters (even though I can't see to say that to my real life one), but around my family, I feel so . . . cold. After all they do for me, you'd suppose I could show them how much I love them through all the good and bad times. I don't even remember a time where I willingly and freely just gave them a hug, nevermind tell them that I loved them. Even when saying good night. There's no more, "Night, love you, sweet dreams." It's just my dad telling that he's going to bed (my mom just goes to sleep one way or another) and I call out a "Okay, night." I feel so detached from my family . . . Even though I say that, I bet that I'll continue living my life, never trying to show more love for my family until they die. It's always been like that. When my grandfather died, I cried for months in regret that I never got to see him one last time and tell him that I loved him. However, did I show any appreciation for my other grandfather before he died? No. I just sat next to his hospital bed, holding his hand and smiling so that he wouldn't be worried about me. But I never got to tell him that I loved him before I left. And even if I said that I regret not stopping that day in the doorway to just quickly say that I loved him and thank him for everything he's done for me, I probably wouldn't change. I would continue being the idiot that can't properly tell her family that she loves them so much for so long, that they may start to wonder if I even love them at all. Do I love them? Or am I unconditionally bound to them through blood? Is it like those moments where people say, "Come on, you have to love him, he's your brother," kind of thing? Except, in the end, I think I do love them. Ah, I miss my grandmother so much. My ABu. Whenever my family goes to China and we visit her, she asks me, "Did you think of me?" I would say yes. She then asks, "Where did you think of me?" And I'd tell her, "From my heart." I just can't seem to ever say that to any other member of my family. Why? I just don't understand why I can't change and summon the strength to tell them that I love them. Why? Why? Why? Why . . .