Sponges Not Under the Sea

Mood: happy; confused; a bit down
Currently: watching Toradora episode 21
Listening to: (Toradora episode 21)

Don't you ever have those days where you just lie back and wonder about those cliche questions? "What's the meaning of life?", "Who am I?", "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

[spoiler if you ever plan on reading/watching Toradora]
"I'm just saying it to spite you because it seems you don't really care. Takasu-kun is interested in you, not Taiga, but you rejected him. I think you're just pretending to be an airhead in order to forget about it. You're probably thinking, 'Let's just be friends forever.'"
"When did you see me pretending that nothing has happened? Did you really see it? What do you know about me? Can you look into my heart? Besides, this has nothing to do with you."
"I see, so it has nothing to do with me . . . Oh! I see! So your sense of guilt is nothing too, right? I thought you at least had some feelings for Takasu-kun. You just thought you'd feel guilty about someone, so you rejected him. Now I see. You rejected him simply because you don't like him. I'll tell him about it tomorrow then. Don't you think it'd be kinder to just end it now than to leave him half-dead?"
"Do whatever you want."
"Eeeh, then should I go now?"
"I SAID, DO WHAT YOU WANT!"
"Tsh . . . you're really good at faking."

The first time I wanted to kill myself was the fifth grade when I realized I couldn't play the flute anymore. My parents wouldn't let me quit until I went into middle school, so every morning during practice I pretended to play, holding the instrument up to my mouth and pressing the keys. But I constantly lived in the fear that I'd be found out, that the band director would find out and kick me out. I wouldn't know what to tell my parents. I desperately began to practice, but the more I practiced, the worse I got. The more desperately I practiced, the more pathetic I felt. I wanted to tell someone, but Stephanie had transferred schools and I was too ashamed to confide in Michelle who could skillfully play as the only trombonist in the band. I was too ashamed to talk to my parents or my sister about it. The people who would have known what I should have done I didn't trust. One day after marching band practice, I thought to myself, "Ahhh, I want to just go into the bathroom and kill myself." I was pathetic. I had to fake through the city parade, too, and, for the dumbest moment, I felt proud of myself at the end of it. I thought to myself, why am I proud? The people being praised are not me. The person who's being praised here isn't real, the person being praised is nothing like what they say, the person being praised shouldn't be me. But then two year passed by and I kept my secret to myself. The day before the first day of middle school, I sat in the shower, praying to no one, and wondering if I sat there long enough, if all my sins and sense of guilt would wash away with the water. Middle school passed with mild depression, but minimal moments where I honestly wanted to die. High school came and blew up a bomb. I felt like I was drowning when my boyfriend saved me . . .
I find it strange how when I got out of my self-absorbency that I began to notice how others around me were suffering more than I was. People who are constantly in pain, people who are depressed, people who are pretending to be happy, people who are living in denial in order to get by, people who want to die, and people who are suffering enough to die. And it's sad that I don't know what to do, or what to say to them. What am I supposed to say to the people who I used to think like? What was the reason that made me change for the better? And how can I give that reason to others to use?
The people who cry don't get the help they need, the people who hold in their feelings don't get the fact that they need help recognized. In the end, no one can be helped then I suppose. I wish I could be a sponge. Suck away everyone's sufferings and make them mine. But then squeeze out the water. But if I did that, the water would have to go to someone, somehow? Even if the water were to be evaporated, it'd rain, and someone would have to take the pain.
"Why is there so much suffering in the world?"