Free Answers are Nice

Mood: happy; bleh
Currently: looking for practice tests
Listening to: Getting Away with Murder --Papa Roach

I got 20% on my pronouns quiz today. There were ten questions. The teacher gave us two answers. I need to study.

Edit: "http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu says: 'Although the correct choice of WHO and WHOM is no longer considered a terribly important matter in grammar, it remains one of the most often asked questions, a sure sign that it bothers people to use it incorrectly. Once mastered in writing, the correct choice among these words can carry into one's speech. In writing, making the correct choice can be regarded as kind of a puzzle. Enjoy!'"

Heart Beat, Heat Beat, Cold Beat

Mood: happy; depressed; confused; feeling like I need to cry
Currently: doing homework; trying to figure out how to change
Listening to: Suffocate --Elsa Chapman

I need to grow a heart that won't stop beating.

Sponges Not Under the Sea

Mood: happy; confused; a bit down
Currently: watching Toradora episode 21
Listening to: (Toradora episode 21)

Don't you ever have those days where you just lie back and wonder about those cliche questions? "What's the meaning of life?", "Who am I?", "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

[spoiler if you ever plan on reading/watching Toradora]
"I'm just saying it to spite you because it seems you don't really care. Takasu-kun is interested in you, not Taiga, but you rejected him. I think you're just pretending to be an airhead in order to forget about it. You're probably thinking, 'Let's just be friends forever.'"
"When did you see me pretending that nothing has happened? Did you really see it? What do you know about me? Can you look into my heart? Besides, this has nothing to do with you."
"I see, so it has nothing to do with me . . . Oh! I see! So your sense of guilt is nothing too, right? I thought you at least had some feelings for Takasu-kun. You just thought you'd feel guilty about someone, so you rejected him. Now I see. You rejected him simply because you don't like him. I'll tell him about it tomorrow then. Don't you think it'd be kinder to just end it now than to leave him half-dead?"
"Do whatever you want."
"Eeeh, then should I go now?"
"I SAID, DO WHAT YOU WANT!"
"Tsh . . . you're really good at faking."

The first time I wanted to kill myself was the fifth grade when I realized I couldn't play the flute anymore. My parents wouldn't let me quit until I went into middle school, so every morning during practice I pretended to play, holding the instrument up to my mouth and pressing the keys. But I constantly lived in the fear that I'd be found out, that the band director would find out and kick me out. I wouldn't know what to tell my parents. I desperately began to practice, but the more I practiced, the worse I got. The more desperately I practiced, the more pathetic I felt. I wanted to tell someone, but Stephanie had transferred schools and I was too ashamed to confide in Michelle who could skillfully play as the only trombonist in the band. I was too ashamed to talk to my parents or my sister about it. The people who would have known what I should have done I didn't trust. One day after marching band practice, I thought to myself, "Ahhh, I want to just go into the bathroom and kill myself." I was pathetic. I had to fake through the city parade, too, and, for the dumbest moment, I felt proud of myself at the end of it. I thought to myself, why am I proud? The people being praised are not me. The person who's being praised here isn't real, the person being praised is nothing like what they say, the person being praised shouldn't be me. But then two year passed by and I kept my secret to myself. The day before the first day of middle school, I sat in the shower, praying to no one, and wondering if I sat there long enough, if all my sins and sense of guilt would wash away with the water. Middle school passed with mild depression, but minimal moments where I honestly wanted to die. High school came and blew up a bomb. I felt like I was drowning when my boyfriend saved me . . .
I find it strange how when I got out of my self-absorbency that I began to notice how others around me were suffering more than I was. People who are constantly in pain, people who are depressed, people who are pretending to be happy, people who are living in denial in order to get by, people who want to die, and people who are suffering enough to die. And it's sad that I don't know what to do, or what to say to them. What am I supposed to say to the people who I used to think like? What was the reason that made me change for the better? And how can I give that reason to others to use?
The people who cry don't get the help they need, the people who hold in their feelings don't get the fact that they need help recognized. In the end, no one can be helped then I suppose. I wish I could be a sponge. Suck away everyone's sufferings and make them mine. But then squeeze out the water. But if I did that, the water would have to go to someone, somehow? Even if the water were to be evaporated, it'd rain, and someone would have to take the pain.
"Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

-deskhead-

Mood: happy; unhappy
Currently: doing homework
Listening to: Sink or Swim --Tyrone Wells

It's funny how I almost never record the pleasant days of my life, but I get so talkative when I'm upset. This must be part of being a Pisces, always looking for pity, as the horoscope said. Anyhow, a brief list of my fails this month.
-I now have two 'A's and 5 'B's. I'm extremely disturbed. My Chemistry grade just loves to tease me. An 'A' in P.E., which is a given. My English grade plummeted down quite a bit after the Lord of the Flies essay. I dropped to a 'B' in Journalism. Pre-Calculus is slowly but surely falling down the stairs in slow motion. World History CP is really easy, an 'A', thank god. Span- Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.
-I lost maybe my fourth pencil since the school year started, you'd think I learned to stop putting them in my pockets by now, huh?
-I want to go to this one volunteering event over the weekend, but I not only have class, but I can't even help myself, how can I help others?
-I'm enthusiastic to do English homework because the quickwrite is about realities of life we have to face and I've so much to write.
-I've snapped at my parents for the millionth time this week. It's Wednesday.
-My monthly started yesterday, and I'm really not a very happy person right now after all that's happened.
-When I have that huge adrenaline surge when I'm really frustrated, instead of leaning forward to bang my head against the table, I want to bring up my desk and smack my head that way. No, I can't lift my desk.

'F' is for Fail

Mood: happy; disbelief, just utter disbelief
Currently: in absolute shock
Listening to: Sink or Swim --Tryone Wells

I never thought of myself as smart. I strictly think of myself as a average student, but even I have those times where I feel like I'm a moron. This is one of those times.
I also never believed I would ever get a perfect score on a test. An 80-90% range is fine for me, it was something achievable and at hand. But not only that, I also never believed I would actually go and fail a test. I had a decent day. I was a bit tired, though random exciting events kept me going through the day. I got an email from Edline when I got home, telling me that I got a student report update for Spanish. I ignored it, telling myself I'll look later when I got the extra credit from the site later. Oh, how I was so ignorant then, not knowing just how much I would need it. I went through the day quietly, doing a small chunk of homework, and then went off lazing off. When I went to eat dinner, I heard strange news. First, my father, who moniters Edline like a hawk, told me I got a 0 on a poster because I didn't turn it in, which confused me completely. What poster? How did I not turn it in? I thought back and felt like I knew what he was talking about, but I did turn it in. It was a very confusing moment, but I told my parents I'll talk to my teacher about it. Then my dad continued to say that I had a problem with tests. I gave him, once again, another confused look. Could he be any more vague? He told me that I failed my most recent test and I couldn't help but to be shocked. Failed? This isn't even a "Oh, I got a 'B', I totally failed that test," kind of fail. I got a 57.76%. An 'F'. I felt like crying, but I knew that'd just make my parents think I was a bigger idiot than I was. It really doesn't help with that they have to say, "If only you got 'A's on your other tests, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. Joy always got her work done and mostly got 'A's on her tests, so when she got a 'C' that one time, she still had a good grade." Just shut up. Just freakin' shut up. Do you think I really want to be on a borderline 'C'? Do you honestly think I'm trying to get these grades just to tick you off? Do you seriously think telling me this for the millionth time is going to help me, when I can already repeat every word you said and say by heart? I know your lectures better than you do because you say the same thing over and over. I even finish your sentences when you suddenly become inept at the English language. I freakin' I repeat your words to myself whenever I'm trying to fall asleep at night because they're just so haunting. God, now I remember how much I hate going to bed every night. I just don't even want to deal with Spanish now. I feel just too annoyed at it, even though it's probably my fault for being half asleep while taking the test and not spending extra time looking through my stuff. But I really just don't want to do it. My head's spinning just typing this.

Good Habits are Hard to Break

Why don't people ever say good habits are hard to break? Because it's not true, I wonder? Anyhow, I'm not really going to talk about that. It's more like a parry from the topic (Am I even using "parry" right? The word just came into mind so I wanted to put it into the sentence). The title should be "Why is Being Positive Harder than Being Negative?" than "Good Habits are Hard to Break". Do they even relate? My head hurts . . . Continuing with my blog post . . .
It's so exhausting trying to be positive. So in Spanish, I go through the class painfully, trying to figure out what in the world the teacher is saying. She speaks really fast, and the words seem to blur together, so I don't even know if I learned any of the words she's saying. On rare occasions, I figure out what she says after someone answers the question, and I'm like, "Oooh, I get it now." My sister is so bored all the time that she calls home every week or something. And so yesterday, she was talking to me on the phone (when she could have just talked to me on AIM, but whatever) about school and such. Since she's taken Spanish, too, and all, she was telling me how I'll eventually learn to listen and comprehend what the teacher's saying better as time goes on. I hope the time that I begin to get Spanish again comes soon. My current problem wasn't really about all that though, except I was tense, worried that the teacher would call on me as I slowly decipher her words. She made this presentation for us to review how to conjugate stem-changing verbs, and I'm like, cool, I remember this. Then she called on people randomly to answer a series of slides until she says another name. Unfortunately, she decided to pick me. I said I remembered how to stem-change, but that didn't mean I was able to respond faster than the wind. Half the time, I kind of just stared at the screen (pantalla? I'm attempting to randomly review my vocabulary) like a nitwit. Sometimes I mumbled out an answer, but the teacher's like, "Jenny, I can't hear you." I wonder if she knew I wasn't even saying anything half the time. After epically failing to properly think quickly, the teacher finally calls on someone else who answered with master skills, which, I realized, really made me look bad. The class was pretty much over and I spent the rest of my time basically trying to convince myself not to care that I couldn't say what the conjugated verb was. My train of thought was pretty much like this:
"Who cares if people think your dumb? It's not like you intend to make friends with anyone in the class. Even if you did, as friends, would understand that you can't process things quickly and overly all slow. Wait, how does that help the situation at all? Well, it's not like I want to have a profession in Spanish or anything. Agh, but I still hate looking dumb, even though I am. Wasn't I trying to be positive here? Well, everyone has their good and bad points, Spanish is obviously something I'm bad at. Maybe people will think that I sucked at Spanish, barely made it into honors (which is true), and slowly trying to improve, but I'm not dumb. That's still negative, isn't it? Er, maybe instead of worrying about what people might think, let's not be concerned about what they think about you. Okay. It's not like they're people I'll really ever get to know. Back to the friends thing again? But, really, I'll probably never see most of them after this year, and on the plus side, I'm a very unmemorable person, they'll forget who the heck I am in no time! So even if I do end up in the same class as any of them next year, it doesn't matter, because they just think of me as a complete stranger again! Ah, yes, the benefits of being unworthy to be remembered. Dang it, I'm trying to be positive here! Happy thoughts, happy thoughts . . . AGGGGGGGGGGH!!!!!!!"
This is what happened as I migrated from class to home. I was so sick of thinking about it and trying to be more "positive" about the situation, I just fell onto my bed and slept for the next two hours.
Oh, and it's currently 11:28PM, and I'm almost done with homework. Yes! Well, I have a bunch of Spanish homework still, but I don't have anything to do in journalism (I wrote my story and briefs, so now it's the page editors to do a bunch of work). Maybe it's because I never do Spanish until the day it's due that I never get better . . .

A Title. Huh?

Depressing. I'm so depressing. I'm always like this and I never change. I can look back on all my past blog posts and five-sixth of it is me spewing out crude about me or my life or something I did. I have enough negative energy in me that the negative end of the battery has resisting force when pushed towards me. Heh.

Bloop (er)

So let me tell you of my near death experience. It was after cross country today when Hee Soo and I went to Yasmin's aunt's house to go swimming. At first, we sat around, stealing the food there, and then after changing, we finally went to go swimming. I was staring at the pool water for a little and turned around to look at Hee Soo and Yasmin. However, Yasmin had an evil smile on her face and she proceeded to push me into the pool. "Wait! I'm not mentally prepared yet!" were my final words before submerging. It was probably a good ten seconds before Yasmin was forced to jump in to save me. Yup, I was like, drowning. Before you judge me, I haven't swam in about five years! And yeah, I came along because I had strange urges to go swimming again. Anyhow, as a random statement, I didn't see my life flashing before my eyes. Instead, I was just attempting to swim to the surface, which failed to work, and I was thinking, "I wonder how long it's going to take Hee Soo and Yasmin to figure out that I'm going to need help." Heh, but then after that happened, Yasmin dug out all the noodles and water toys out for us.
Oh, and I realized, I have a harder time floating now. I blame cross country. My muscles are too heavy for my fat to allow me to sustain buoyancy or something. Oh, I felt smart saying that sentence! Anyhow, yeah, I can still float a little, but my face is dangerously close to the water and I feel like any disturbance of the water is going to run water up my nose, which is a feeling I would rather experience as little as possible.
Anyhow, time to tell my tale of stupidity. So there was this weird floating thing in the water swishing around. Since I was using just one noodle, water still splashed in my face. I assumed that floating thing was a flotation device, therefore grabbing a hold of it. It was kind of weird, though since it had a lid to it. When I opened and looked into it, it looked empty. I don't really remember anymore, but for a moment, I thought it was a storage device. Without really thinking about it, I put one of Yasmin's little cousin's toy duck in it, when Yasmin started yelling at me to take it out. I thought about asking why, but she seemed like she was going to kill me if I didn't already, so I turned it over to see what looked like soap fall out. Then Hee Soo and Yasmin started to panic because they knew that obviously what I did was dump a bunch of chlorine into the pool. Thanks to the pool net and Hee Soo's diving skills, Yasmin and Hee Soo were able to retrieve the clorine bars (or something, I actually still don't know what it is, I'll just be sure not to touch anything that's floating around in the water that has white stuff in it). I kind of felt like a dimwitted child for a while. I stood (floated) by idly, watching the adults work. It was rather dumb of me to put the rubber duck in the "container" since Yasmin told me before I did so to not to. This is why I get annoyed when people call me smart. No matter who it is or how many times they tell me I'm "smart", it'll never change the fact that I'm such an utter moron sometimes that I can't cover it up by acting wise or getting decent grades. At times like these I wish I could gouge my brain out and give it to science so they can find the cure to retardation. But as that one person from Drum Island (where Chopper is from) said in One Piece, "He strived to heal this island of illness, but there is no medicine that can cure stupidity!"