Reality

Heh.

I already know the truth.

But it's still kind of harsh, isn't it?

It's obvious.

I already know.

If you have friends, most of the time they'll have closer friends.

And when you make friends, sometimes they drift away.

Sometimes you drift away.

It's stupid to be sad over what's obviously stupid.

it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter

But . . . even the things that don't matter hurt.

I hate Facebook.

Nah.

That's just me hating myself.

I shouldn't be like this, and I shouldn't care about such stupid stuff.

If you make a big deal over stupid stuff, you should be considered stupid, and I don't want to be stupid.

I wonder if other people feel this way.

They probably do.

I wonder if I'll just be like my mom when I grow up.

It's not like I haven't noticed.

My mom's very lonely, too.

She has my dad and one close friend.

Anyone else who calls her is because they're dreadfully bored or they need something.

She doesn't work, therefore, she doesn't talk to many people besides her blood family, my dad, and her close friend.

In reality, even I talk to my mom as much as a stranger does.

I don't want to be like my mom.

But, I don't want to be unrealistic either.

Since I don't talk to my blood family much, I might end up worse than my mom.

I'm a hypocrite.

I tell people that they should change if they want to, even though I know it's hard to.

I don't want to change anymore, I'm so tired of it.

But, in the end, I still want to change so I can become a better person that people would like to be around.

This is probably what they call fickleness.

Perhaps indecisiveness.

Maybe it's called unhappiness.

First Time a Second Time

Mood: happy; neutral-ish
Currently: about to go to bed after reading the latest chapter of Skip Beat
Listening to: the humming of my sister's laptop

Yesterday, for the first time in a while, I cried myself to sleep. Perhaps it wasn't out of loneliness and misery, but then again, maybe it was. For the second time, "for the first time in a while", I cried because I missed my boyfriend. Generally, I'm really good at distracting myself from whatever bothered me. It's not like I just sat around in my sister and her boyfriend (Matt)'s apartment all day. No. It was a very busy day.
First, I woke up around nine, got ready, and we drove about twenty minutes to pick up our (my sister and I) cousin, Gong Chen (The one who was born 12 years before me and on the same day as me, so he's the same Chinese zodiac animal as me, the dog. Thus Gong Chen and I are known as Big Dog, Little Dog, respectively. Which might we why he's quite fond of me. He seems to like to pinch my cheek lightly when I do something funny/cute.) and his friend. Then Matt drove us all the way to San Francisco to go see the Fisherman's Wharf and get a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge, but it was too cloudy, rainy, and just way too windy for us to go, so we gave up and went to find a place to eat.
For lunch, we ate at this place called The Pub. I had Southern Fried Chicken (that came with two sides) and pretty much ate everything, which either really impressed everyone, or pretty much disturbed them, since I ate more than a 23 year old (and older) adults, yet I am still the shortest, smallest, and skinniest of them all. Except Gong Chen is pretty skinny, but he's quite a beanpole really. Anyhow, we went to that one famous chocolate place, Gappolli? Errr . . . something like that. I don't feel like checking if I'm even relatively close. Regardless, I took really random pictures which I shall post onto Facebook when I get back home so you guys will understand then hopefully. Anyhow, I had hot chocolate there, except Gong Chen's friend ordered the wrong thing on accident, so I ended up getting a sundae too. Lucky me? On a really cold day, not so much, but it was pretty darn good, if I do say so myself.
Then we went to this scientific exploratory. I swear, this place is so cool, I've never thought science has ever been so interesting. Okay, so there was a lot of things, as in a lot of things. I couldn't even get to see everything. So, I'll just talk about a few things I liked (my explanations aren't perfect, and I probably switched some stuff together, so bear with my ranting if you wish to proceed reading). There was this tube where there's water and in the middle, there's this sort of screen with holes and such in it right? If you turn the tube quickly enough, and because of differing pressures, the water will be able to stand on the screen, despite the fact that there are holes in it. Then there was this wall where your shadows are different colors, and the only reason the wall looks white is because there are different colored lights shining on them, and when you stand in the lights way, you have three shadows, red, blue, and yellow. Then there are a bunch of optical illusions, where you walk towards the picture, and the picture kind of looks like it's rotating, which it isn't, since it's just fooling your eyes. Then there's this really cool water fountain which I didn't get to really look at very well, but there was something about drinking it a certain way, and the water hits the metal basin, it detects wavelengths and transforms it into music. Yeah, I don't really get it, but it's pretty darn cool. There was a bunch of other stuff, but it's either too hard to explain what I was doing, or it's too hard to explain the logic behind it. The exploratory closed, we left, blah blah blah, drove back closer to Stanford again.
We met up with some of Gong Chen's friends and ate at this Thai restaurant, but I wasn't really hungry, so I ate half of my friend rice dish, which was actually really delicious. Then we went home, stuff and stuff.
We're back in the apartment, and my sister, Matt, and I play this trivia game on Matt's PS3, Buzz. My sister goes crazy because she couldn't beat Matt, and somehow I ended up winning because I didn't know s---, so I just clicked a random button, got it right, and kicked butt. My sister was all like, this game is outrageous, blahblhalksjdhsdfh, she exploded, and then she and Matt went to go study, since they have class tomorrow, where I continued to play this really addicting game, Trash Panic. The objective of the game is to pretty much compact all this trash in this supersized trash can. Doesn't sound like much fun when I put it that way, but trust. It's crazy. While playing, I chatted with my oh-so-wonderful boyfriend, but because of bad signal and connectivity, the conversation had to be cut short. Oh well, at least I got to hear his voice, that's all that really matters to me at this point.
Amongst this slightly chaotic day, I couldn't help to think about my boyfriend all day, thinking, "I wonder if he'd like eating here," or "I bet he'd love to come here one day," or "I really wish he could be here now to see this." So much for being easily distracted. Well. I was distracted. Perhaps by the wrong things.

Life's Not a Black Hole

Mood: happy; moody
Currently: remembering why I've used to hate going to sleep
Listening to: Supermassive Black Hole --Muse

Anything in life can be considered a "waste of time" or "stupid".
"Playing that game is a waste of time, it's so stupid." Since when did playing a game have some sort of special and significant meaning behind it? Heck, what is "significant" and what's not a "waste of time" anyways? Reading a book? Why is it so special? Because it makes us "smarter"? Is it a more productive way of using our time because we think more while processing words and attempting to find a deeper meaning behind them? What's the point in being "smart"? We have more knowledge, have better debate support, sharper comebacks, snottier remarks, and know what to do in certain situations? Depressing thought or perhaps not, sometimes I don't know what's so special about living. I breath and see. I can taste things, I can feel things physically and mentally. Life is a miracle I don't know why bothers happening sometimes. I'm not depressed, nor do I feel like my life is meaningless, I honestly don't understand why.
And my questions are ones that can't be explained through facts, perhaps, but the cliche "What's the meaning of life?" question rolls in here. To get a good education and find a nice job? What's the point of learning? To live a better future? And what's that to accomplish? Raise a family and create a new generation to wander about life? Is it to be safer? Accidents happen all the time, and the people who don't learn will cause those accidents, and no matter how safe we proceed, things we don't see will hit us. To not hurt others? Physically or mentally, we'll always continue hurting others. A special moment we have, it may end up hurting others. A careless remark one makes can drive another into winding depression. Our human nature will always make us hurt each other and we can't avoid it. We can only hope we can realize we wronged another and apologize for our actions.
Honestly, thinking just makes my head spin, and sadly enough, I shouldn't even be talking about any of this. What do I know? I'm on the crossroad in which the train is going to hit 16. I'm too young to talk about topics as broad as human nature and life since, in reality, I don't know anything at all. I suppose arrogance should have a limit.

"'A nosebleed is the perspiration of the heart!' [Toradora episode 3] . . . 'Crying is a nosebleed from the heart.' . . . 'But I've realized something. If you trip while running down a hallway, you'll get a nosebleed. If you trip in life, you cry.'
'Are you stupid? It's still too early for us to be talking about life. From now on, for 10 years, for 20 years, for 60 years, life will go on.' [Toradora episode 24]"


Hanging by a Moment. Darkness Eyes. Aozora no Namida. Numb. Suffocate.

Heart Beat, Heat Beat, Cold Beat

Mood: happy; depressed; confused; feeling like I need to cry
Currently: doing homework; trying to figure out how to change
Listening to: Suffocate --Elsa Chapman

I need to grow a heart that won't stop beating.

Sponges Not Under the Sea

Mood: happy; confused; a bit down
Currently: watching Toradora episode 21
Listening to: (Toradora episode 21)

Don't you ever have those days where you just lie back and wonder about those cliche questions? "What's the meaning of life?", "Who am I?", "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

[spoiler if you ever plan on reading/watching Toradora]
"I'm just saying it to spite you because it seems you don't really care. Takasu-kun is interested in you, not Taiga, but you rejected him. I think you're just pretending to be an airhead in order to forget about it. You're probably thinking, 'Let's just be friends forever.'"
"When did you see me pretending that nothing has happened? Did you really see it? What do you know about me? Can you look into my heart? Besides, this has nothing to do with you."
"I see, so it has nothing to do with me . . . Oh! I see! So your sense of guilt is nothing too, right? I thought you at least had some feelings for Takasu-kun. You just thought you'd feel guilty about someone, so you rejected him. Now I see. You rejected him simply because you don't like him. I'll tell him about it tomorrow then. Don't you think it'd be kinder to just end it now than to leave him half-dead?"
"Do whatever you want."
"Eeeh, then should I go now?"
"I SAID, DO WHAT YOU WANT!"
"Tsh . . . you're really good at faking."

The first time I wanted to kill myself was the fifth grade when I realized I couldn't play the flute anymore. My parents wouldn't let me quit until I went into middle school, so every morning during practice I pretended to play, holding the instrument up to my mouth and pressing the keys. But I constantly lived in the fear that I'd be found out, that the band director would find out and kick me out. I wouldn't know what to tell my parents. I desperately began to practice, but the more I practiced, the worse I got. The more desperately I practiced, the more pathetic I felt. I wanted to tell someone, but Stephanie had transferred schools and I was too ashamed to confide in Michelle who could skillfully play as the only trombonist in the band. I was too ashamed to talk to my parents or my sister about it. The people who would have known what I should have done I didn't trust. One day after marching band practice, I thought to myself, "Ahhh, I want to just go into the bathroom and kill myself." I was pathetic. I had to fake through the city parade, too, and, for the dumbest moment, I felt proud of myself at the end of it. I thought to myself, why am I proud? The people being praised are not me. The person who's being praised here isn't real, the person being praised is nothing like what they say, the person being praised shouldn't be me. But then two year passed by and I kept my secret to myself. The day before the first day of middle school, I sat in the shower, praying to no one, and wondering if I sat there long enough, if all my sins and sense of guilt would wash away with the water. Middle school passed with mild depression, but minimal moments where I honestly wanted to die. High school came and blew up a bomb. I felt like I was drowning when my boyfriend saved me . . .
I find it strange how when I got out of my self-absorbency that I began to notice how others around me were suffering more than I was. People who are constantly in pain, people who are depressed, people who are pretending to be happy, people who are living in denial in order to get by, people who want to die, and people who are suffering enough to die. And it's sad that I don't know what to do, or what to say to them. What am I supposed to say to the people who I used to think like? What was the reason that made me change for the better? And how can I give that reason to others to use?
The people who cry don't get the help they need, the people who hold in their feelings don't get the fact that they need help recognized. In the end, no one can be helped then I suppose. I wish I could be a sponge. Suck away everyone's sufferings and make them mine. But then squeeze out the water. But if I did that, the water would have to go to someone, somehow? Even if the water were to be evaporated, it'd rain, and someone would have to take the pain.
"Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

The Days of the- What?

Mood: happy; baffled
Currently: feeling like a huge rush of information just flushed past and down my mind
Listening to: Uzu --Kagrra,

"If I can't make him my boyfriend, I'll be his best friend, that way he's still my BF."
Who did I hear this from? I just thought of it randomly, and I wondered to myself, where did I even get that from? Was it on someone's blog? Did someone tell me that at school? Though AIM? My head feels heavy, yet light at the same time. I don't really get it . . . Well, this is what I get for trying to cram four people's lives from the last month or two into my head in one sitting. I should really get into a better habit of reading blogs on a daily, or at least weekly basis. Anyhow, perhaps I should just go to bed already, I need to wake up tomorrow morning to go volunteering for Octagon anyways (though I still need to prep my information format for Journalism and clear out my camera, since I'm writing an article about this particular event). Well, until we meet again.

Resperating and Perspirating

Staying up late is really taking it out on my lungs. Isn't it really dumb that I stay up anyways? It's even dumber getting irritated at my family for telling me to go to sleep earlier. I guess it's just hard for me to hear it from somebody else.