Vocals?

I'm not even close to being done with my homework, but I was just singing along to this one song I like, "Poison Kiss" by The Last Goodnight, then I wondered what my voice sounded like. Since the Eustachian canal (if I recall correctly from Biology) connects your ears to your jaws, or something like that, does that mean you hear yourself differently then others? Because whenever you record your voice and listen to it, you're just like, ew, stop it! Is it the microphone that's being used at fault or is that really the voice people hear? But when your friend records their voice, it sounds just the way they sound. It maybe a little weird, but it's basically it, that's their voice. I wonder sometimes what other people hear and see.
At some point in my life, in elementary school perhaps, that we can only see out of our own eyes. It seems like I was a little behind on the update, but I felt really confused. I don't really recall the emotion, but I my head was spinning for a moment as I thought about it. What does everyone else see? What does everything mean to them? What's it like to not be about to see? It seems pretty simple in a way, but I, then and now, feel it's really complicated.

Procrastinator

I wonder why I insist on procrastinating until the end. I tell myself if I get it done now, I can relax later without any problems. What do I do? "Hey, look, it's 12AM, I should start my homework now!" Story of my crazy life.
How am I going to finish my story like this, when I use my procrastinating time on doing nothing? Use my procrastinating time on my story? Yeah, that failed. Next year, I'm going to have seven classes, maybe, and I want to participate in Octagon more. How do I plan on finishing all my homework and do all the stuff I want to do? I really need to learn how to prioritize my time. Have some self-control. School before anything else. Okay. I need to go. I have a 101-problem math assignment and I'm only 61/101 done. Ugh, why is this so hard? I still have a lot of English homework to do, too. I really hate my English teacher sometimes, I really do.

Dreamy

I kind of wonder what I'm going to do next year. If I think about it, I'm packing in a lot. I want to take seven classes. Six of them are required for me to take apparently, and I want to take journalism. If I do get a zero period (it isn't official yet, I still have to make an appointment with my counselor) that means I'll be waking up earlier in the morning for class then, which also means less time to mess around and less time to sleep. I also want to continue with Octagon, trying to participate in all the events, stay after school to help out, go out to all the games and cheer on people with the others. I was even thinking about trying for an officer position next year, thanks to Theodore's encouraging words. Of course, journalism and Octagon seems like it'll be taking a lot of my time. Next year I'm not planning to take dance class anymore, so that won't be a problem, and thankfully I quit piano class a long time ago (mainly because I realized piano really wasn't my thing). However, I have Chinese school and art class on Saturdays. I learned this year that lots of the events take place on Saturdays, like the Cherry Blossom Festival and Beach Clean-Up. I don't want to miss out especially on those two!
Naturally, I won't be glad if I don't get a zero period, either. I was really happy that I got chosen to be part of the staff amongst the others. It made me feel like I was worthy enough to be graced with a spot. Which brings me upon cross country in my mind.
When I was in cross country, the thought always came to me. "Why am I here? Was it because my friends begged me to? Was it because I wanted to hang out with my friends who I can't even keep up with? Was it because I had nothing else to do? Was it because I liked to run? What was my reason of being here?" My parents already have been giving me the feeling that I wouldn't be staying. I sucked, frankly speaking. Why did I continue to go every morning? And now, why do I feel a strange feeling of dread to go back there? My mind has been conflicting for a while. Would I go to cross country summer training or not? It seemed like a waste of time and waste of effort to me. I'm not good, I improve slowly, if hardly. I just wake up every morning to greet an elongated jog around town and the hammering of my chest. On the other hand, it's good to get some exercise. I sometimes run around the neighborhood (I confess that that isn't often, you can hardly consider it a monthly run) which is nice, it's stress free and relaxing. No one to pulls you over your limits and no one to watches you walk as they run past you saying, "Good job, guys", and you can't even respond because you just feel like you're about to die any second. But not being pushed isn't particularly good, though. You can sloth around all you want then, you'll never get better, and there's really no point that you even stepped out the door. There's no benefit besides that you feel good about yourself for a minute and then the moment you get back home, it's back to being a couch potato. And so the two sides of me clash. To go or not to go, that is the question?
When I scan up the page, I honestly wonder about my train of thought. It all seems to ramble on and the topic changes constantly. I confuse myself sometimes. In my writing and in my life. What do I even want to do, I wish I knew?

In Just a Flash

Wow. I must say. Wow. So, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I went to volunteer at Gonsalves's cultural fair, "A Taste of Gonsalves", for Octagon and I must say, I had so much fun. I'm in such a good mood. Wow. I can't believe I was in such a rotten mood before! So I had to run to get a tennis ball and we may or may not run on Monday as a punishment, big "boo hoo". I forgot to do some of my homework, wah, the world's going to end. Oh, I might have done bad on my Spanish written, oh no, whatever will I do? Isn't it funny that depending on your mood, you just feel so stupid for feeling or acting the way you did? Well, allow me to rant on some more happier (optimistic) things to make up for my negative (pessimistic) rambling I did earlier.
So after scarfing down some food for dinner and rushing to get to Gonsalves I felt kind of lost. I didn't go to Gonsalves for elementary school, nor have I been there before. There a ticket stand and at first I thought, "Shoot, was I supposed to bring money?" I told the people at the table that I was there to volunteer and they slid a paper towards me and asked if my name was on there. I was all panicking that it wasn't, but the kind ladies pointed me to someone else who just sent me off to work at the craft's center. Once again, I was feeling lost and insecure. I mean, I had no idea where the craft's center was supposed to be. Then I saw a fellow Octagoner, Brian, and he pointed me in the right direction. However, after going into the room, for the third time, I was at lost what in the world I should be doing. They asked me to help them with the children and their crafts, but it didn't seem like they needed much help. I managed to find the women who was in charge of the chaotic scene and placed me at an empty table.
It was kind of slow because all the kids that ran by just looked at me and kept going. Others were like, this seems boring and walked off to amuse themselves. I was just doodling on the table, since it was covered in paper, then a friend of mine, Pooja, popped up. She was nice enough to stick around and keep me company. She even took one of the color pages. Each cultural group gets to chose what they wanted to do (I overheard this information for a teacher named Mrs. Anderson). The table I was at, it seemed that the Hindi group wanted to have a coloring page of their flag and give children and example of how to write and pronounce, "Hello", "Welcome", and "Goodbye". Pooja was prideful of being Indian and wrote many other words I didn't understand. We sat around talking for a bit. This one man walked past and said, "Hey, they tell you how to say 'Hi' in Chinese." Pooja and I just laughed. At least he was able to tell I was Chinese. Pooja later had to leave to watch her brother perform and I was alone once again. Then a little girl came and actually colored. She was sociable little girl, thankfully for me, since I'm not really one to start a conversation myself. Her name was Sydney. She talked about how she loved crayons (which were used to color) and wanted to be an artist.
When she was done with the sheet she left and soon after that, we had to clean up. I was thankful that I had something I could actually help out with. However, when I was cleaning, the teacher in charge of Octagon, Ms. K, saw me wearing my shirt and came over to talk to me. She was asking me about things about signing in and getting free tickets for food, but since I told her I wasn't too sure where to go--Ms.K said lots of people didn't--she lead me to the Italian stand where one of the Octagoner's mom was helping out at. I got five free tickets and signed in, but I figured that I should continue help cleaning the crafts center and decided to head back there. But first, one of the student helpers intercepted me and asked if I wanted a necklace. It had white, green, and red beads (the colors of the Italian flag). I gave him a ticket for it.
When I got into the crafts center they were still cleaning so I just helped pick up trash and such. Sydney was there and she helped out with me. She seems like such a nice little girl. We talked while cleaning. Somehow we got onto talking about the food being served out in stands and Sydney was saying how she couldn't even get tickets to buy food, but the teacher looked her suspiously, as if it was her that brought food into the crafts center, which isn't allowed. So I decided to give her one of mine, since I didn't know what I'd use them for. Later, when we were done cleaning, she asked if I could be her friend. That was so cute! I was like, "Aww, sure. But we're probably not going to see each other very much, though." Then Sydney, being the cute girl she is, says, "It's okay, we can still be friends even though we can't see each other." That was so, so, so, so cute! I could have hugged her, but it seemed kind of awkward for me, since I'm not the hugging-type.
Well, Sydney's mother was beckoning her to go and that was my goodbye to my new little friend. Since my business was done in the room, I went outside to go look around. I felt kind of weird by myself so I went back to the Italian booth to get Napoleons (a pastry) that even had a little Italian flag on top of it. It was good. The people at the stand got me another one for free! That was nice of them. Except I was still full from dinner, so I just carried it around with me everywhere.
So basically everything was slowly closing down, so I decided to help out. I went to the booth that Brian and another Octagoner, Cherise, were at and helped them. Apparently Brian love Napoleons so I gave him mine, so that got rid of it. I just ran around offering my help and such, taking down banners, decorations, and other things. Before I knew it, it was already dark. I met other Octagoners, Theodore and Marrisa (it was her mother that was helping out). I got to talk to both of them a bit, so that was nice. Last minute bonding with my fellow members, well, they're actually officers. It was fun talking and working with them. Theodore, the new president of Octagon since yesterday, I believe (since at the banquet, they were telling who was chosen to be the new Octagon officers for the next year. I forgot to mention that in my other post), if not, I know he was and is an Octagon officer. Well, anyhow, he was talking to me about being paired up with an officer next year to organize an event and I could get experience, maybe running for a position next year, too. I was touched really. I was kind of ashamed, too, since I didn't participate that much. It was just yesterday (I was helping him clean yesterday, too, now that I think about it) and today that I was everywhere trying to help. But still, I was really glad he gave me that consideration.
And so, I came home with delicious Philipino rice cakes that I got with the rest of my tickets, I even got two free ones! The people there are sure generous.
I wish my elementary school had a huge cultural fair like Gonsalves's. Pooja claimed that she thought of having a cultural fair when she was class president and that the school stole her idea and didn't give her credit. When I told her I wished my school had a fun event like their's, Pooja said, "That's because they didn't have me!" Well, I was glad to have a good time and helping out. It felt good when people thanked me for helping them clean up. I hope I'll be able to do it again next year!

Take It, Take All My Happiness, I Don't Need It

How typical. How very typical. Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life and today insisted that it take back every once of my joy. So yeah, as you can assume, today was an awful day.
So, in first period, Futures, nothing bad happened, I was just utterly bored. We weren't even doing anything, so we just sat around, and for those who have friends in the class, they talked to each other. I just took a nap and then we had to read this one passage thing, I don't even know what it's for, but it's this really depressing story about how this girl got murdered nearby her apartment. Even though she screamed and the people in her apartment saw what was happening, no one called the police until much later. The the passage all goes into this psychological kind of thing about, why didn't they do anything?
In second period, Algebra II, it was okay, we looked over our homework and I seemed to have gotten the gist of it. Then we got our homework. Our 101 problem math homework. It's so painful to do. Especially when we're supposed to only do half of it, but if we do the entire thing, we get extra credit. I need that extra credit. My math grade isn't even funny. It's nearing the edge of a 'C+'. So basically, I'm doing the entire thing reluctantly.
Third period, I have Biology, which means test time! I think I did okay, but yeah. Hopefully I don't drop my grade. I think I have a 'B' in there? Hopefully I won't go down to my math grade. That would suck a lot. Besides the test, there wasn't anything bad or good about that period.
After snack it went downhill.
In fourth period, P.E., we're playing tennis and all, so I was kind of excited, since I used to play a little and thought it was pretty fun. Well, I haven't played in a long while, so I'm horrible now, but that's not what upset me. The guy my team was versing chucks the ball over, it's our serve, but it was head towards me. I just held my racket out and guess what, it flew over the gate and outside. I ran to go get it, but then these other girls were like, "Oh, since you're going out there, can you get ours?" So I all run around the parking lot looking for their ball. Then I run around the tennis courts and around the fence, since I didn't want to jump it. The thing was that since I didn't, I had to run a bit of a distance to the opening of the wired fence, then run the same distance down to get the ball. Then after I got it, I ran the length of the fence, then back down it again, and back around the tennis courts. Since I figured I'd be a burden to my team if I was gone too long, I sprinted and was exhausted when I finally got back. And for some reason, my mood went from tired to extremely ticked off. We play two games a period, so in our second game this other teams shot the ball off into the parking lot area. Then after the game I asked them if they got the ball, then they're like, we have to get that? My irritated response, "Yes, you have to get the freakin' ball, Sherlock. I'm so not running laps Monday because of you." But they were was too lazy to do anything so I went looking for it, but it was in this closed off area that I couldn't get into unless I climb over the fence and it was bell was going to ring soon, my teacher left with the cart of rackets and calls already, so I ran off to the locker room. Hopefully the teacher doesn't count how many tennis balls she has.
Then in fifth period, English, apparently, I didn't do more then half the homework assignment. We're reading Romeo and Juliet and we have to summarize the stuff that's happening. So I thought the homework was to summarize Act II Scene iv, v, vi and do Act II study questions. Well when I got into the classroom and the television with our agenda on it, said our teacher was stamping Act III Scene i, ii, ii, and iv, also. I was just like, no freakin' way. Of course, my teacher has no mercy and won't allow late assignments (sometimes I wish teachers wouldn't prep us for college life). Hopefully the summaries are too many points. I was so happy that I finally got an 'A' in that class. Anyhow, continuing with my bad day, we got a bunch of homework, also. Act II and IV study questions, Act IV Scene i, ii, iii, iv, and v summaries. It's not that hard to do any of that stuff, but it's still quite a bit of work.
Lunch was bleak, the friend I'm purposely ignoring really gets on my nerves without even having to talk to me. I still heard and see what he does once in a while and they annoy me to no end, so I left to go eat somewhere else.
Finally, it was sixth period. It killed me. It was Spanish and we had our written finals today. As always, I disappoint my writer and student-self. I just hope I don't get an 'F' on it. The topic wasn't hard or anything. Write an email to your friend about what you did last week. Then ask your friend specific questions about what they did last week. Finally, end your emails by inviting them somewhere. I think my vocabulary usage was pretty good, I felt like I used words that others may have not thought of using. I was starting to grow cocky because I remembered how to say "I invite you" in Spanish. It's not even that impressive now that I think about it. Anyhow, my brain was probably reduced to a peanut after that, I couldn't even think of words to say when people talked to me. But you know what? I have Chinese finals tomorrow, and I'm volunteering at Gonsalves Elementary School tonight from 7-8PM. So it's not like I have that much time to study afterwords because I'll probably be wasted. I have 56 vocabulary words, how to write it, how to use it in context, know what they mean, and how to say it. There's probably going to be a listening portion, fill in the blanks, and make sentences on the test. Out of the 56 I probably know 5 so far. My friend claimed she was taking Chinese over the summer and I just laughed at her. I can't even begin to understand why anyone would want to take Chinese classes over the summer. I don't even have Chinese school over the summer. I would go crazy if we had to keep going through the summer, just absolutely crazy. You don't even understand how much I hate Chinese and how insanely hard it is for me. If I studied everyday for about four hours, maybe I'd get it, but of course, my irresponsible self loves to procrastinate and I probably end up cramming the last minute and fail the class.

Octagon

Octagon is so cool. I'm not even kidding.
"What is this feeling of love that makes my heart ache so much now that it's come to an end? The end of this love that I've only begun to realize was inside me all this time."
Yeah. That's how I feel. So today was the Octagon Club banquet. It was so much fun. When I first got there with Diana, I waited for her to show up before going in, I was confused what was happening. The Octagon officers were passing out pins, papers, and tickets. Since Octagon is a division, or something, under the Optimist Club, our little game for the banquet was that if you say "no" (which is not optimistic!) then your pin gets taken away by the person who points it out first. The people who got the most pins won a prize at the end. I got tricked into saying "no" several times, and I managed to get my pin back, only to accidentally say "no" again, then get it taken away. It was hard to not say "no" but it was all good fun there with Diana and Hee Soo, my two Octagon buddies.
I totally went crazy from drinking soda. I normally don't drink soda, since I personally don't like it, but there wasn't anything else, so I took one. But when I do drink soda, I go on super hyper mode. Not even joking there. Every time I laughed, my face turned all red and I'd just keep laughing like I was hysterical.
Anyhow, the officers were giving out certificates to people who had a lot of hours in the club, HeeSoo got one, but Diana and I didn't. I really regret not participating in the club now. It's kind of late since there's not going to be any more activities except for tomorrow, which I'm going to! Next year, though, I'll try to go to all the events and dedicate more time into my club.
So there was also a raffle, and I won! I never win stuff! I actually won this other thing, too, but the officers were like, "That's just to make you feel good for winning something." Yeah, that was weird, but I was happy I won anything, period.
I really regret not getting more involved in the Octagon events. I honestly do. Isn't it sad that I only realized today, on the last meeting, that I really love Octagon? It's the only place that I really felt like I belonged. With my friends, yes, it's fun, we know each other really well, but sometimes, I feel like I'm not even there, and I feel like sometimes they aren't fully conscious I'm there either. It's probably out individual attention is spent on someone else, so I'm bound to not be focused on once in a while, and I understand. My undying love for my friends will never change because of my selfish need for their attention. Perhaps I do the same thing to them without even realizing. But, continuing on, the other clubs I'm in, we hardly do anything, we never get to bond, we never get together, and we never have fun together. Even though most of the people in Octagon don't know me very much, if at all, and they don't talk to me, but there's this feeling I felt today. It was as though I was part of something, something I don't even feel like when I'm with my family. It was like an aching pain of love in my heart. I'm not even sure how to explain this sensation I feel in my chest.
Today was a really good day. Maybe my best in a long time. I had lots of fun. Besides Octagon, in Biology, this girl I sit next to named Kara, I used to sit next to her in Science last year, in the 8th grade. She and I, along with two others, Athalia and Alec, sat at a table and would always be laughing over something together. Well, anyhow, Kara finally brought me the picture we took together on the last day of school. Those were really good times.
This song almost makes me want to cry. It's "Swing, Swing" by All American Rejects. Elliot, one of the Octagon officers played this song on his guitar and sang to it today. I'm sad that all these happy feelings will just be a memory in my heart, just like many I carry along with me. I wonder how many people of Octagon will remember and cherish this day as much as I, or if Kara will think back to the 8th grade even after we've grown old, to just say, "I remember that class, it was so much fun. Jenny was Freefall, Athalia was Apple Crack, and Alec was Dorkstar."
Ah, now I am crying.

Let the Winds Blow Me from Here

Hear my thunder, hear my cry.
Hear my roar and hear my sigh.
See my lightning, see my tears.
See my bravery and see my fears.
Hey.
Let the winds blow me from here.
Hey.
To somewhere beyond what I see,
To discover who I'll come to be,
Let the winds blow me from here.
Hey, hey, take me away.
Hey, hey, don't lead me astray.
Hey.
Let the winds blow me from here.
Take me far away from here.
Somewhere beyond what I see.
Somewhere where I can be free.
Twist me gently in your breeze
Let me fly beyond the trees.
Release me from these chains
So I can see across the plains.
What is this emotion
As I stare at the crashing ocean?
Why can I feel light with all these possibilities
And feel so heavy from all the responsibilities?
Hey, hey, let me stay here.
Hey, hey, don't lead me astray.
Let me look longer at what is near,
Before you let the winds blow me from here.