Walmart and Other Places

Mood: happy
Currently: eating pears and apples
Listening to: Crawl --VeltPunch [Nabari No Ou OP]

I went to Walmart with Hee Soo and Diana today, and it was pretty darn hilarious. So at first, I was talking to Hee Soo on the phone while I was walking towards Walmart, and we saw each other then started waving a lot. Then I hung up on her since I was practically in front of her, and she talked into her phone and she was like ". . . hello?" Hehe.
Then Hee Soo all told me how Pokemon HeartGold came out like, today, and Diana wanted to buy it. There was only one left. Diana didn't come yet. Problem, yes? So Hee Soo and I were all standing in front of the game, trying cover it up, and Hee Soo was all like, "So. How are you today?" It was funny. But we were just standing there, until Hee Soo suggested we leave our guard post for like a moment, just to like go look at earbuds which was right next to the game. So we were all staring at them, thinking of what color Hee Soo get, when I saw it, this guy and his kid all took the game! Hee Soo and I were all spazzing because we thought Diana was going to kill us for not protecting the game like we said we would. We were leaving the sections, and when we passed the guy at the cash register who was buying the game, Hee Soo was like, "That's the b------ who stole the game!" Then he kind of turned his head, and were like, "oh snap, did he hear us", and ran away. Crazy stuff. So we were about to run out of Walmart and go to GameStop when Diana called to tell us she was at Walmart in the electronics section which we fled a moment ago, and we were all panicking. Then Hee Soo was like, "Time to face the music." So we went back, and walked past these people with strollers, and this baby was crying, and then the other one started to cry too, and I said to Hee Soo, "Dude, that's going to be us." And as we approached the game section, Hee Soo said to me, "Dude, it'd be creepy if she was like, right there around the corner." We kind of peeked around the shelf and we made eye-contact with Diana, which was kind of freaky and funny at the same time, so we all ran off into the aisle, laughing like crazy. Diana was all like, "What the, you guys are crazy! I'm not going to kill you guys or anything!" Then we started to laugh more at the irony. Anyhow, we explained ourselves and ended up looking at the very same earbuds that made us lose the Pokemon game forever. Then later, we were looking at bags, at my request. There was this random duck doll there, too, so after I found a bag to buy, I stuffed it into one of the bags there, and Diana was like, "Okay, let's go, guys." And we kind of walk/ran away, which Hee Soo commented, "Dude, it feels like we just stole something and we're fleeing the scene of the crime." Anyhow, Hee Soo led us to this self-serve kind of station, and I was all staring at it like some technology out-of-date person, which I guess I am. Hee Soo scanned the bag in for me and hit this button to say I was paying with cash. I all stared at it, thinking, um, do I scan the dollar, wait what?! Then Hee Soo stole my money and stuffed it into this slot as if it were a vending machine, telling me where my change and collar bills would come out. And I was all like, "Oh my, that's so cool! What have I been missing all my life!" Sad and funny all at once.
We then left to walk to GameStop, and Diana finally got her hands on her beloved game. Then we went to PetCo which was right there (to be honest, I've never been in a PetCo before). So we were all watching these mice running on their running wheel, and there were these two mice on the same one. One was brown, another white, okay? The white one gets off eventually, and then the brown one continued to run. The white one wanted to get back on, but you know there are these pole-like things connecting the circle part of the wheel? Even I don't know what I'm talking about. But anyhow, since the wheel was spinning, so the poles kind of made this barrier, so when the white mouse tried to get on, it's head got smacked by the pole. This happened repeatedly, it was so sad, yet kind of funny since it wouldn't give up. I swear, it tired a bunch of stuff to get in there. That mouse was hardcore, man. Then we went to look at the turtles. Okay, the following was just plain hilarious. So first, Hee Soo kind of scared this turtle under the water, and then the turtle up on land gave Hee Soo a sort of turtle-glare. And Hee Soo was like, "Dude, I bet that turtle is his wife, and he's p---ed at me for scaring her." To prove her point, Hee Soo walked away little, and the turtle all turned his (if it really is a he) head to look at Hee Soo, and we were like, "OMG, IT'S TRUE." Then Hee Soo had this crazy idea and wanted to touch it, so she all looked around in case staff members were around, reached over when I started reading this sign on the tank. It went along the lines of, "Please wash your hands after handling the turtle. Bacteria from the turtle may causes diseases, asdfghjkl;" and stuff. So Hee Soo drew back her hand quickly, when we noticed there was a hand sanitiser thing right there. Hee Soo was like, "Okay, cool," then reached over to touch the tail lightly, and she kind of ran over to the hand sanitiser, hit the button. Nothing. And she was like, "oh my gosh, karma!" She spazzed for a moment, then ran away, looking for another one, and I just couldn't stop laughing, I followed Hee Soo over to where she finally found another one, which had hand sanitiser in it, but I was still laughing, and Hee Soo was like, "Okay, it's not funny anymore!" Then we made our way to the parakeets, which Hee Soo suggested since she said, "I love p---ing them off." Ahaha. So yeah, we just continued venturing around after failing to scare the birds. Saw the dog food, and there was like alphabet dog food, I'm not even kidding. Then Hee Soo all wrote "HELP ME" with the food, and this one lady with a dog came by and gave us this weird look as we ran out of the store (yes, we were running away a lot).
We walked back to Walmart, and ate McDonalds, or rather, Diana and Hee Soo did. I just stole some fries, since I already ate lunch before meeting up with them. When we finished eating, Diana opened her new game, and just as she did, a bunch of people she and Hee Soo knew came by and kind of stared at it and all. Diana all stuffed her game back into its package until they went away, and then we chatted a bit more before leaving.
Yeah, that was my adventure today.

Pocket of Secrets

Mood: happy; neutral
Currently: watching Nabari No Ou Episode 10
Listening to: (watching) Nabari No Ou Episode 10

"There are three kinds of secrets. Something that you hide at the bottom of your heart because you don't want it to be mentioned. Something that you can't mention even if you want to. Something that you hope someone asks about even though you're hiding it." Nabari No Ou Episode 10

Dude, I have like, no homework today. Well, except for math, but still. This is one of those rare moments in my life where I will have this little homework, I need to celebrate or something. And catch up on my sleep. Oh my goodness, with all this free time, I suddenly want to do everything. I want to write, I want to read, I want to run, I want to sing, I want to dance, I want to play video games, I want to draw, I want to paint, I want to laugh with my stuffed animals, I want to try playing the piano again, I want to dig up my old flute and try to play a few notes, I want to play board games and chess with myself, I want to sit on the bench in my backyard and sip hot chocolate while getting startled by passing-by bugs, I want to climb up a tree and pretend I have a tree house as my secret getaway, I want to sit on the swing of the fruit tree in our front yard before it was cut down, I want to play Yu-Gi-Yo with the neighborhood kids on the cement that paved over what used to be our front yard, I want to play handball against my garage, I want to chase stray cats while barking as if I were a dog, I want to sit in my room in the dark with my blanket hanging above my head and a flashlight as a campfire as eat those Korean chocolate mushroom snacks with my sister, I want to do it all over again, just for the heck of it. But such hopes never come true. I can only close my eyes and think, "Ahaha, yeah, those were great times. It was nice to live in ignorance and bliss. Feeling miserable over the silliest things and getting over it for no reason at all."

This girl in my journalism class was complaining to the peer counselor in our class about the most interesting person I've yet to hear about. This person is probably a genius, one who has topped the intelligence of my sister. "She's a valedictorian of Whitney high school, takes hard classes (honors and APs and such), AND volunteered in India for a while, AND volunteered at shelters, AND (she listed a huge list of things, I swear), AND you know what? She has time to go shopping and she has such great style. I swear, she is the best looking nerd you will ever see. I envy her so much, I mean, I dress like a hobo, I'm struggling to get my 'A's. Yet she has gotten 4.0's every year, and I've known her all my life. God, I just don't understand how there people who can do that stuff. And you know, I'm so freakin' worried about college, I really want to go to Berkeley, but I don't do anything. And I don't even blame my parents, they've done everything to help me. Like this one time, you know how my thing is singing right? So my mom made me join this one contest thing and I would have probably gotten first place if I wasn't so stubborn and say, no I don't want to. And now that I look back, that would have looked so good on my application, because you know, no one ever does that stuff. Ugh, and I also went into the Cerritos (insert whatever she said, I don't remember) Talent Show thing and won first place for four years, but then I just stopped. Ugggh. I've s----ed myself over."
It was interesting, secretly smiling to myself. How strange. I have the strangest and smallest hope that I would also be able to go to Berkeley, but listening to this girl crack at how she thinks she won't make it into Berkeley when, as far as I know, has done more than I have. Makes me wonder, if she doesn't make it, I wonder what will happen to me. I didn't have to think about it. A lot of people in journalism has the dream of going to Berkeley, and yet again, I smile to myself quietly. In regards to overall grades, I'm probably in the 26th place among the 28 students. And as I don't try and as I silently listen to these people tear their hearts out at the thought of not making it into Berkeley, I can't help but to smile. Why? It's fascinating to watch my own life, full of opportunities, pass me by, as if I were watching my own life from a third-person's point of view.
Life, so fleeting, but I have little desire to lift my heavy feet and catch it. But if I say "little desire", does this mean I still want to make an effort to make what's disappearing in the distance mine? Heh, I thought of an interesting metaphor. You know how some Japanese (?) have like a sort of ramp with running water on it, then they put soba (?) at the top, and the noodles run down with the water, and you have to catch it in order to eat it. It's kind of like that. To eat, you must catch it, if you don't act, the chance will either float away or someone else will take it.

Arrows Pointing in Every Direction

Mood: happy; not neutral
Currently: doing Chinese homework and diving deep into thought
Listening to: Getting Away with Murder --Papa Roach

It's amazing at how much you can relate to "you learn something new everyday." And today, it was more like a deep recognition for the obvious. Today was a small Octagon event, making posters for the cream puff sale that will take place on open house. So I was with Hee Soo and we went to Heritage after we were done. After bugging the track people while they were playing capture the flag, Hee Soo and I sat down, talking for a bit. At first, it started with a random white bunny that was running about, with children chasing it. Then there was a hummingbird Hee Soo saw that I had mistaken for a large beetle. And finally, a quiet spider, perhaps building its new home over the tables. Hee Soo and I started to float off into the past, talking about the good times of childhood and the irony of growing up. When you're a child, you tend to look towards the future, thinking, "I can't wait to drive," or "I'll be able to get my own house," or just something like that. Regardless, the common child, I believe, is usually anticipating on growing up. But as Hee Soo said, "it's not all that glamorous." And as high schoolers, we thought back to elementary school, like the time you first go on the slide, uncertain, afraid, but after trying it, it's fun, you try weird stunts like racing up the slide before sliding down again. Times when we'd pretended the woodchips in the school playground were lava, and you had to climb on the equipment from one end to another. Times when you collected woodchips and stacked them in the grass, picking yellow flowers, imaging them as your food supply as you sat next to a small fire. Yeah. Those were great times. Times when we have always wanted to be where we are now, and now we wish in vain that we could go back to those times. And that reminded me of something my sister said. "In high school, you think that elementary and middle school were the best times of your life. In college, you think it was high school, but when you're in grad school, you think college was the best." Most of us look either behind us, or look at what's ahead of us, but who really looks down at the floor they tread on? Who looks up and to the sides, appreciating or hating their surroundings?

Ahaha, funny thing that I say that about that. In math today, we took a quiz that was practically a test, and this one guy was suspected of cheating. Of course, our math teacher is really lenient (a bit too much) and told him to keep his eyes on his test. Then Travis, just this one junior in our class, said he had a teacher who said, this was really genius, "You can look up for inspiration, you can look down in desperation, but you can never look side-to-side for information." Absolutely genius, isn't it?! That totally made my day right there. My math teacher now wants a banner that says that hanging in front of the classroom. Ahaha.

"It's the small things in life that matters, we just never pay attention to them." --JJS

Well, there's that and then something that complexes me. Out of experience and partially by my own nature, I have a tendency to avoid getting involved in things that doesn't directly effect me or causes me to face great changes. As a result, it seems to me that I've been "letting the people who are wrong always win." And I wonder, is this right? The obvious answer is, no, it isn't. But what in the world is "right"? Why must it be this way? But more importantly, is it improper of me to not take action? Will I be one of those people who don't stand up for something, therefore, no change is ever made, and thus, nothing changes. Life will continue with people living in an age of darkness. But you know, there are those people who you can just categorize as a moron. Neither logic, reason, scolds, nor lectures can convince them that they are wrong, throwing back responses that make no sense at all, and I wonder if it wrong to avoid getting into a bad situation by not trying to correct them, even if their behavior threatens others' safety? I don't know, because it seems like a waste of time and breath to try correcting these people you know won't change. Why get into arguments, why fight, and why make enemies? Perhaps because these people were enemies from the very beginning . . .
Wonders beyond wonders, and each significance different from another.

Sponges Not Under the Sea

Mood: happy; confused; a bit down
Currently: watching Toradora episode 21
Listening to: (Toradora episode 21)

Don't you ever have those days where you just lie back and wonder about those cliche questions? "What's the meaning of life?", "Who am I?", "Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

[spoiler if you ever plan on reading/watching Toradora]
"I'm just saying it to spite you because it seems you don't really care. Takasu-kun is interested in you, not Taiga, but you rejected him. I think you're just pretending to be an airhead in order to forget about it. You're probably thinking, 'Let's just be friends forever.'"
"When did you see me pretending that nothing has happened? Did you really see it? What do you know about me? Can you look into my heart? Besides, this has nothing to do with you."
"I see, so it has nothing to do with me . . . Oh! I see! So your sense of guilt is nothing too, right? I thought you at least had some feelings for Takasu-kun. You just thought you'd feel guilty about someone, so you rejected him. Now I see. You rejected him simply because you don't like him. I'll tell him about it tomorrow then. Don't you think it'd be kinder to just end it now than to leave him half-dead?"
"Do whatever you want."
"Eeeh, then should I go now?"
"I SAID, DO WHAT YOU WANT!"
"Tsh . . . you're really good at faking."

The first time I wanted to kill myself was the fifth grade when I realized I couldn't play the flute anymore. My parents wouldn't let me quit until I went into middle school, so every morning during practice I pretended to play, holding the instrument up to my mouth and pressing the keys. But I constantly lived in the fear that I'd be found out, that the band director would find out and kick me out. I wouldn't know what to tell my parents. I desperately began to practice, but the more I practiced, the worse I got. The more desperately I practiced, the more pathetic I felt. I wanted to tell someone, but Stephanie had transferred schools and I was too ashamed to confide in Michelle who could skillfully play as the only trombonist in the band. I was too ashamed to talk to my parents or my sister about it. The people who would have known what I should have done I didn't trust. One day after marching band practice, I thought to myself, "Ahhh, I want to just go into the bathroom and kill myself." I was pathetic. I had to fake through the city parade, too, and, for the dumbest moment, I felt proud of myself at the end of it. I thought to myself, why am I proud? The people being praised are not me. The person who's being praised here isn't real, the person being praised is nothing like what they say, the person being praised shouldn't be me. But then two year passed by and I kept my secret to myself. The day before the first day of middle school, I sat in the shower, praying to no one, and wondering if I sat there long enough, if all my sins and sense of guilt would wash away with the water. Middle school passed with mild depression, but minimal moments where I honestly wanted to die. High school came and blew up a bomb. I felt like I was drowning when my boyfriend saved me . . .
I find it strange how when I got out of my self-absorbency that I began to notice how others around me were suffering more than I was. People who are constantly in pain, people who are depressed, people who are pretending to be happy, people who are living in denial in order to get by, people who want to die, and people who are suffering enough to die. And it's sad that I don't know what to do, or what to say to them. What am I supposed to say to the people who I used to think like? What was the reason that made me change for the better? And how can I give that reason to others to use?
The people who cry don't get the help they need, the people who hold in their feelings don't get the fact that they need help recognized. In the end, no one can be helped then I suppose. I wish I could be a sponge. Suck away everyone's sufferings and make them mine. But then squeeze out the water. But if I did that, the water would have to go to someone, somehow? Even if the water were to be evaporated, it'd rain, and someone would have to take the pain.
"Why is there so much suffering in the world?"

This is a Day

Mood: happy; neutral; amused
Currently: spazzing about how much work I have, yet I'm blogging...
Listening to: Kiss~ Kaerimichi no Love Song --Tegomass [Lovely Complex ED1]

Today was pretty good. Sketch-out of my day:
0 period//Chemistry: I was tired as always, but I understood what we were learning, so it's all good. But I got back my quiz we took yesterday and I got 10/20. Ouch, an 'F', not going to be pretty on my grade. Most of it was a bunch of dumb mistakes, too! Argh, next time!
1 period//P.E.: Cold morning. Wet grass. Mass of obnoxious guys+special ed. students amongst five girls. Pleasant. As if. Though, lacrosse isn't all so bad in my opinion, at least I can play decently without me having to risk slipping on the wet grass/mud. Also, my team is really nice and actually toss me the ball now and then. On the downside, we used to have this really good player on our team, but he joined football, therefore, switching out of 1 period P.E. And then, there's this other guy who joined our class just like, yesterday, and poor him, got hit by a car this morning while he was biking to school. I hope he's okay, I heard that he was sent to the hospital and everything. May guardian angels watch over him.
2 period//English: Grumpy-ish as usual, I'm never particularly happy in the morning, really. Though I do cheer up then and now because of my dear classmates, though other times they just kind of annoy me . . . Everyone always badmouths the teacher, but I don't really see what they're talking about. Our teacher has a different way of talking, which involves her voice octave going up and down, but hey, it's better than monotone to me.
3 period//Journalism: Bleh. So our school newspaper uses the program InDesign to format the pages and such. So all the new members of journalism learn how to use InDesign second semester to prepare in becoming potential page editors next year. Though, I don't know if I want to join next year or not. Anyhow, so we're learning how to use InDesign, and let me just say this, I feel like a huge chunk of my brain just blew up. In addition to just learning the basics, we have to recreate last issue's front page. Fun project, no? I'll have fun drowning in that class for the next week, with the addition of being in there during snack, lunch, and after school (or else I won't finish it on time). We seriously need more time to do it . . .
4 period//PreCalculus: We had a substitute. She was funny. "I don't accept bribes unless in the form in food. Just kidding, I'll probably steal it from you regardless." We had an opener. It wasn't funny. Dude, I swear, our teacher didn't teach us a chunk of the stuff on there, and we were like, what the heck?! I probably did bad on this opener as well . . .
5 period//History: Yuck, history. I dislike history the most and I don't even know why. Perhaps I'm just uninterested in learning about the past and how it relates to the present? Who knows, but I just don't really seem to care much for history.
6 period//Spanish: I liked Spanish today, well actually, I've liked it recently. Reason being is that we're learning about food. Fun, fun, fun stuff, and I'm not being sarcastic about it this time. I just enjoy writing about food and stuff, using those words when talking to my friends and everything. This is what I like about Spanish: more people understand you. Since I don't have many Chinese friends I'm really close to, it's not like I can talk to them in Chinese, using my newly learned vocabulary (that I usually forget the next day). However, Spanish on the other hand, all of my close friends are learning it, and I love how we can talk in a different language because it feels like we share a particularly special bond. It's just nice.
Anyhow, I also had two epic wins in the class. First is me volunteering to go up and participate in this quick vocabulary review game. So the overhead all showed a bunch of our vocabulary words jumbled about, and two people when up to the pulled-down screen. Each person has a stick (with a sandal stuck on the top of it, don't ask) and when our teacher tells us the English word, we have to point to the Spanish word. Well, I was debating on whether or not to go up, but I decided to last minute when our teacher asked if any final people wanted to play. I seemed to have good luck today, since I happened to be staring at "supermercado" when our teacher said, "supermarket", so I pointed at it almost immediately which made the class wow at my response time. I somehow was able to win successfully two more times in a row when our teacher decided for us to stop and take our vocabulary quiz already. And my second win was just that. I took the quiz, and think I did pretty well. We didn't get to correct each other's quiz this time like usual, but out teacher put the answers up on the television, and I feel like I got 11/10. I would have possibly gotten 12/10 if I didn't make this stupid mistake. I wrote "la azúcar" instead of "el azúcar". Fail! Why would I write "la"?! Ah, whatever, I just hope I don't get another 'B' (or lower) this time. If I accomplish that much, I'll be satisfied.
After school: I was planning to make a quick escape from school to home so I could get working on my homework, but while I was at my locker after school, my best friend and locker buddy, Michelle, came by. Usually when this happens, we walk together and talk for a bit and part ways at the gate as Michelle goes back to volleyball (?) and I go off to a nearby park to wait for my mom to pick me up where there's less traffic. However, today, Michelle started to walk in a different direction. When I inquired where she was going, she said, "I'm going to buy samosas!" which the Rangoli Club was selling. I was going to go buy some tomorrow, but Michelle offered to buy them for me today instead, so I decided to accept her kindness. The little poster things that were passed around school said they were going to be selling samosas in the quad, but when we got there, there wasn't anyone there, so we were really confused for a moment. Then Michelle suggested we check the front gate, and lo and behold, it was there. She bought the samosas and we ate on our way back to the other school gate. The samosa was good and had a very interesting taste to it due to the spice in it. Michelle told me what it was called, but I don't exactly remember what she said anymore. Regardless, it was good. Anyhow, we kept walking to encounter Hee Soo in her track clothing as she exited the girls' locker room. Michelle went off with Hee Soo and we all said our goodbyes.
I walked to the crossing-light and met some friends, the couple, Ryan and Arielle. After chatting a bit, Arielle commented how I had a bunch of books in my hands, and I said something about how I should hire my servants to carry my books. Arielle said, while laughing, "Yeah, that's totally what I would do! But, you know, I don't have any books on me, holds open empty and and her other hand holding Ryan's." Then Ryan commented that he was, however, like a servant/coat holder, holding up his other hand with Arielle's jacket. At that point, I said, "Well, you have to be useful for something." And after seeing the reactions--both of them saying "wooow"--I was a bit worried if I went too far with my joke, since I had a tendency to make really mean jokes about people. But then Arielle said, "Thank you!" as if I had said something that she had never been able to express (jokingly) to Ryan. Then we left in different directions laughing.
Since I called my mom much before I met up with Michelle, she was already waiting in the parking lot of the park, so I went home right away. Once back home, I made my "snack", or "merienda" in Spanish, which was one of those small, boxed lasangas. It was good.
Other than that, and up to this point, nothing really significant popped up, so yeah. My day.

There is just simply nothing in this world that can explain how I'm feeling because I don't know if there are even my feelings to feel in the first place. I'm too easily wavered and they pains of other stir me until I cry myself, and these feelings are just over my head, I don't know what to do with them, I don't know what they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, I don't know what they are, but I don't know what to do either, I don't know anymore, these feelings and mixtures are so confusing, I'm losing my way and I feel blind, I'm running into a wall that can't be run down or destroyed and broken down, not now, and maybe not ever, this wall is absolutely indestructible. Feelings, feelings, feelings, too complex for my understanding, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what do to with there feelings, I'm not too sure if I'm feelings sad or happy, this heavy feeling doesn't have to be only depression now, right? I don't know anymore, but it's pulling on me, and I don't know what to do with them. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to do anything, I don't know, I just don't know. I want to cry, yet I want to laugh, but I don't know which one to follow, what is my path, what are even my choices, and who am I? I don't get it, what are these questions in the first place, what are the answers supposed to do for me. Answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, I'm searching for answers, answers, answers, why are my guardian angels shattered when I need them, and why are there no tears in my eyes. Answers, answers, answers, answers, that no one can tell me, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions no one can answer. There are no answers, no answers, so what am I searching for exactly. The sea is only deep in the barren desert of the cold winter. Screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming in my head, they are, what they are, I don't know. They are, they are, they are, they are, they are screaming, I don't know what they want from me, I don't know what they want, I don't know what they are, I'm just running in circles while standing the same place, so I'm not moving at all in the end while I'm running in circles and spiraling down the straight aisle that's perhaps not straight in the end. Helping on one but no one, I scream for nobody's help, yet I hear my voice echo in the air, when I didn't even open my mouth in the first place, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, my leg isn't trembling, are they. What is this feelings of rush, that's like I'm falling down from somewhere high above where I am. Why do I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of nothing, when there's nothing to sink in, and you can't sink in pits, you can only fall in them, I don't know anymore. Who makes these rules for us to follow, what is logic, and says who that they are logical? Why do I have to follow these rules of logic, because that's what everyone else does, its it because I can't find my own logic? Logic, logic, logic, logic, logic, logic is not logical at all, now is it? Why are we standing on the ground, why can't it be the sky, why, why, why, why, why, why, I don't know what I'm saying anymore, what am I supposed to be saying. I can't say that I'm okay, because I don't know if I'm okay, I don't know what this feeling is, nor will I ever understand, perhaps, do I have to be okay? What is okay? Are you okay? Is anyone really what we say is okay, just because we are happy, does that make things okay, why can't we be okay when we're sad, why do we have to be unhurt to be okay, okay, okay, what is okay, what is anything, what in the world is what. whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat