Arrows Pointing in Every Direction

Mood: happy; not neutral
Currently: doing Chinese homework and diving deep into thought
Listening to: Getting Away with Murder --Papa Roach

It's amazing at how much you can relate to "you learn something new everyday." And today, it was more like a deep recognition for the obvious. Today was a small Octagon event, making posters for the cream puff sale that will take place on open house. So I was with Hee Soo and we went to Heritage after we were done. After bugging the track people while they were playing capture the flag, Hee Soo and I sat down, talking for a bit. At first, it started with a random white bunny that was running about, with children chasing it. Then there was a hummingbird Hee Soo saw that I had mistaken for a large beetle. And finally, a quiet spider, perhaps building its new home over the tables. Hee Soo and I started to float off into the past, talking about the good times of childhood and the irony of growing up. When you're a child, you tend to look towards the future, thinking, "I can't wait to drive," or "I'll be able to get my own house," or just something like that. Regardless, the common child, I believe, is usually anticipating on growing up. But as Hee Soo said, "it's not all that glamorous." And as high schoolers, we thought back to elementary school, like the time you first go on the slide, uncertain, afraid, but after trying it, it's fun, you try weird stunts like racing up the slide before sliding down again. Times when we'd pretended the woodchips in the school playground were lava, and you had to climb on the equipment from one end to another. Times when you collected woodchips and stacked them in the grass, picking yellow flowers, imaging them as your food supply as you sat next to a small fire. Yeah. Those were great times. Times when we have always wanted to be where we are now, and now we wish in vain that we could go back to those times. And that reminded me of something my sister said. "In high school, you think that elementary and middle school were the best times of your life. In college, you think it was high school, but when you're in grad school, you think college was the best." Most of us look either behind us, or look at what's ahead of us, but who really looks down at the floor they tread on? Who looks up and to the sides, appreciating or hating their surroundings?

Ahaha, funny thing that I say that about that. In math today, we took a quiz that was practically a test, and this one guy was suspected of cheating. Of course, our math teacher is really lenient (a bit too much) and told him to keep his eyes on his test. Then Travis, just this one junior in our class, said he had a teacher who said, this was really genius, "You can look up for inspiration, you can look down in desperation, but you can never look side-to-side for information." Absolutely genius, isn't it?! That totally made my day right there. My math teacher now wants a banner that says that hanging in front of the classroom. Ahaha.

"It's the small things in life that matters, we just never pay attention to them." --JJS

Well, there's that and then something that complexes me. Out of experience and partially by my own nature, I have a tendency to avoid getting involved in things that doesn't directly effect me or causes me to face great changes. As a result, it seems to me that I've been "letting the people who are wrong always win." And I wonder, is this right? The obvious answer is, no, it isn't. But what in the world is "right"? Why must it be this way? But more importantly, is it improper of me to not take action? Will I be one of those people who don't stand up for something, therefore, no change is ever made, and thus, nothing changes. Life will continue with people living in an age of darkness. But you know, there are those people who you can just categorize as a moron. Neither logic, reason, scolds, nor lectures can convince them that they are wrong, throwing back responses that make no sense at all, and I wonder if it wrong to avoid getting into a bad situation by not trying to correct them, even if their behavior threatens others' safety? I don't know, because it seems like a waste of time and breath to try correcting these people you know won't change. Why get into arguments, why fight, and why make enemies? Perhaps because these people were enemies from the very beginning . . .
Wonders beyond wonders, and each significance different from another.

Life's Not a Black Hole

Mood: happy; moody
Currently: remembering why I've used to hate going to sleep
Listening to: Supermassive Black Hole --Muse

Anything in life can be considered a "waste of time" or "stupid".
"Playing that game is a waste of time, it's so stupid." Since when did playing a game have some sort of special and significant meaning behind it? Heck, what is "significant" and what's not a "waste of time" anyways? Reading a book? Why is it so special? Because it makes us "smarter"? Is it a more productive way of using our time because we think more while processing words and attempting to find a deeper meaning behind them? What's the point in being "smart"? We have more knowledge, have better debate support, sharper comebacks, snottier remarks, and know what to do in certain situations? Depressing thought or perhaps not, sometimes I don't know what's so special about living. I breath and see. I can taste things, I can feel things physically and mentally. Life is a miracle I don't know why bothers happening sometimes. I'm not depressed, nor do I feel like my life is meaningless, I honestly don't understand why.
And my questions are ones that can't be explained through facts, perhaps, but the cliche "What's the meaning of life?" question rolls in here. To get a good education and find a nice job? What's the point of learning? To live a better future? And what's that to accomplish? Raise a family and create a new generation to wander about life? Is it to be safer? Accidents happen all the time, and the people who don't learn will cause those accidents, and no matter how safe we proceed, things we don't see will hit us. To not hurt others? Physically or mentally, we'll always continue hurting others. A special moment we have, it may end up hurting others. A careless remark one makes can drive another into winding depression. Our human nature will always make us hurt each other and we can't avoid it. We can only hope we can realize we wronged another and apologize for our actions.
Honestly, thinking just makes my head spin, and sadly enough, I shouldn't even be talking about any of this. What do I know? I'm on the crossroad in which the train is going to hit 16. I'm too young to talk about topics as broad as human nature and life since, in reality, I don't know anything at all. I suppose arrogance should have a limit.

"'A nosebleed is the perspiration of the heart!' [Toradora episode 3] . . . 'Crying is a nosebleed from the heart.' . . . 'But I've realized something. If you trip while running down a hallway, you'll get a nosebleed. If you trip in life, you cry.'
'Are you stupid? It's still too early for us to be talking about life. From now on, for 10 years, for 20 years, for 60 years, life will go on.' [Toradora episode 24]"


Hanging by a Moment. Darkness Eyes. Aozora no Namida. Numb. Suffocate.

Heart Beat, Heat Beat, Cold Beat

Mood: happy; depressed; confused; feeling like I need to cry
Currently: doing homework; trying to figure out how to change
Listening to: Suffocate --Elsa Chapman

I need to grow a heart that won't stop beating.

Mind in the Trash Can, Writing in the Air

Mood: happy; mixed
Currently: stabbing my homework
Listening to: I Hate Everything About You --Three Days Grace

I went to this author (Lisa See) book signing event for my sister, since she couldn't do it herself, being at school and all. Anyhow, it just made me feel more anxious about my future though. "1000 words a day, about four pages." I can't even get myself to write more or even edit what I have now. Should I not worry just because I'm young? It could take forever to get it down though. Lisa See may write novels based on true historical events, but five years of researching and writing . . . I don't know. Every time I'm in the presence of a good writer, may he/she be famous around the world or around school, I feel baffled. Makes me think: There are so many more dedicated writers, more people who are more passionate about what they're saying, and there are more people who are just simply better writers. Take my sister for example, I don't recall the exact details anymore, but she had a high ranking paper for the SATs, was it? Her high school teachers always approved of her skillful writing abilities. She was the editor of her college's undergraduate magazine and currently the editor her her grad-school's magazine. I can't edit for s---. I'm lacking in both grammar and spelling. My writing shows it well, only the spell check saves me a little, but not even Microsoft can correct all of my grammatical errors. I'm not an avid reader, as my mother loves to indirectly remind me. "Your sister sure can buy books." Then my mother would turn to me and give me an accusing look. Ah, yes, she does. My range of literature is strictly within what we read in English class, and I don't even read the book half the time. I don't know what I'll do with myself. Maybe toss myself into a trash can and then figure out the rest from there . . .

There is just simply nothing in this world that can explain how I'm feeling because I don't know if there are even my feelings to feel in the first place. I'm too easily wavered and they pains of other stir me until I cry myself, and these feelings are just over my head, I don't know what to do with them, I don't know what they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, they are, I don't know what they are, but I don't know what to do either, I don't know anymore, these feelings and mixtures are so confusing, I'm losing my way and I feel blind, I'm running into a wall that can't be run down or destroyed and broken down, not now, and maybe not ever, this wall is absolutely indestructible. Feelings, feelings, feelings, too complex for my understanding, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what do to with there feelings, I'm not too sure if I'm feelings sad or happy, this heavy feeling doesn't have to be only depression now, right? I don't know anymore, but it's pulling on me, and I don't know what to do with them. What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to do anything, I don't know, I just don't know. I want to cry, yet I want to laugh, but I don't know which one to follow, what is my path, what are even my choices, and who am I? I don't get it, what are these questions in the first place, what are the answers supposed to do for me. Answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, answers, I'm searching for answers, answers, answers, why are my guardian angels shattered when I need them, and why are there no tears in my eyes. Answers, answers, answers, answers, that no one can tell me, questions, questions, questions, questions, questions no one can answer. There are no answers, no answers, so what am I searching for exactly. The sea is only deep in the barren desert of the cold winter. Screaming, screaming, screaming, screaming in my head, they are, what they are, I don't know. They are, they are, they are, they are, they are screaming, I don't know what they want from me, I don't know what they want, I don't know what they are, I'm just running in circles while standing the same place, so I'm not moving at all in the end while I'm running in circles and spiraling down the straight aisle that's perhaps not straight in the end. Helping on one but no one, I scream for nobody's help, yet I hear my voice echo in the air, when I didn't even open my mouth in the first place, I don't know what I'm doing anymore, my leg isn't trembling, are they. What is this feelings of rush, that's like I'm falling down from somewhere high above where I am. Why do I feel like I'm sinking in a pit of nothing, when there's nothing to sink in, and you can't sink in pits, you can only fall in them, I don't know anymore. Who makes these rules for us to follow, what is logic, and says who that they are logical? Why do I have to follow these rules of logic, because that's what everyone else does, its it because I can't find my own logic? Logic, logic, logic, logic, logic, logic is not logical at all, now is it? Why are we standing on the ground, why can't it be the sky, why, why, why, why, why, why, I don't know what I'm saying anymore, what am I supposed to be saying. I can't say that I'm okay, because I don't know if I'm okay, I don't know what this feeling is, nor will I ever understand, perhaps, do I have to be okay? What is okay? Are you okay? Is anyone really what we say is okay, just because we are happy, does that make things okay, why can't we be okay when we're sad, why do we have to be unhurt to be okay, okay, okay, what is okay, what is anything, what in the world is what. whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat

"But where do I go from here?"

Mood: happy; confused; stressed
Currently: confused beyond word
Listening to: Butterfly on Your Right Shoulder --Rin Kagamine

"So many voices ringing in my ears, which is the voice I was meant to hear? How will I know, where do I go from here?" Where Do I Go From Here? (Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World)
Earlier I was totally spazzing about AP classes and colleges. Since my sister is already in college and is much more knowledgeable in this area (and in pretty much everything else). I seriously dislike my sister sometimes. Apparently she took 8 AP classes in high school. Even though what scares me more is that her boyfriend took 14. Is that even possible?! I knew he was smarter than my sister, but dang! He's like an AP steroid user. Anyhow, my sister and my situations are relatively similar, minus the fact she's a million times smarter than I am. She took AP Spanish Language, AP English Literature, AP Chemistry (on her own, because her school didn't have the class), AP World History, AP European History, AP Calculus AB, AP Calculus BC, and AP Physics C Mechanics class (I've never heard of this class). When I meant that our situations are similar, you mine as well cut out the APWH, AP Euro and AP Physics. So I'm down to five. Add AP English Language and AP US History, you'll have my AP plan for the next two years. My sister says I should have at least 7 AP classes to even think about competing for Berkeley. But of course, this is all easier said than done. I need to take the AP exams, but before that, I need to take speed reading classes so I can actually finish the exam. For those of you who know me, I read ridiculously slow, it's almost as if I have to stare at each for for a second or two. I also need to brace myself for the writing portions. I suck at timed essays, that's not even a joke there. I get all pressured, my brainstorming is a huge mess and I take too much time on it anyways. Argh. I just don't know what to do right now. I just hope I can slowly sort things out next year. But it's not like I can relax until then. I need to finally do some volunteer work, I need to take summer classes, and maybe SAT prep classes. There's just so much junk left to do. I wonder how much free time I'll have later on. Well, at least it appears that I'm doing better in not procrastinating?