Perhaps the thing we deathly fear has been waiting for someone to understand it.

Puzzle Pieces

Mood: happy; neutral
Currently: mulling over Spanish script
Listening to: Lost My Pieces --Toradora OST

"'When someone else thinks that they know me and act like they do. I hate that! It p---es me off! Why don't you understand?!'
'Do you want or not want people to understand you?!'
'I don't know! No one will know what I'm thinking! Because . . . because, I don't even know myself.'" Toradora Episode 8

That's totally me right there, and I suspect quite a lot of others are like that, too. When people understand us, we're happy, because obviously, we want to be understood. It makes us feel like we can relate with them, giving a sense of belonging.

People want to belong somewhere.

On the other hand, when people try to guess what you're feeling, and when it's wrong, you get mad. For some reason it's frustrating that people don't understand you and can't be able to tell how you're feeling all the time, in any situation. Then all of the sudden, we start to rant at either how they can't understand and to mind their own business, or we claim that they can never understand us and they never did at all. Maybe what we want is perfection.

Perfection that doesn't exist.

But because we are selfish and conceited, we expect things to come out okay, everything is going to be okay, and in the end, everything will be perfect.

Sometimes people just need to hear, "Everything is going to be okay." Even if it's a lie.

"Everything looks perfect from far away." Such Great Heights --The Postal Service

"Everything Looks Perfect from Far Away" --Thomas Hawk [Flickr]

Arrows Pointing in Every Direction

Mood: happy; not neutral
Currently: doing Chinese homework and diving deep into thought
Listening to: Getting Away with Murder --Papa Roach

It's amazing at how much you can relate to "you learn something new everyday." And today, it was more like a deep recognition for the obvious. Today was a small Octagon event, making posters for the cream puff sale that will take place on open house. So I was with Hee Soo and we went to Heritage after we were done. After bugging the track people while they were playing capture the flag, Hee Soo and I sat down, talking for a bit. At first, it started with a random white bunny that was running about, with children chasing it. Then there was a hummingbird Hee Soo saw that I had mistaken for a large beetle. And finally, a quiet spider, perhaps building its new home over the tables. Hee Soo and I started to float off into the past, talking about the good times of childhood and the irony of growing up. When you're a child, you tend to look towards the future, thinking, "I can't wait to drive," or "I'll be able to get my own house," or just something like that. Regardless, the common child, I believe, is usually anticipating on growing up. But as Hee Soo said, "it's not all that glamorous." And as high schoolers, we thought back to elementary school, like the time you first go on the slide, uncertain, afraid, but after trying it, it's fun, you try weird stunts like racing up the slide before sliding down again. Times when we'd pretended the woodchips in the school playground were lava, and you had to climb on the equipment from one end to another. Times when you collected woodchips and stacked them in the grass, picking yellow flowers, imaging them as your food supply as you sat next to a small fire. Yeah. Those were great times. Times when we have always wanted to be where we are now, and now we wish in vain that we could go back to those times. And that reminded me of something my sister said. "In high school, you think that elementary and middle school were the best times of your life. In college, you think it was high school, but when you're in grad school, you think college was the best." Most of us look either behind us, or look at what's ahead of us, but who really looks down at the floor they tread on? Who looks up and to the sides, appreciating or hating their surroundings?

Ahaha, funny thing that I say that about that. In math today, we took a quiz that was practically a test, and this one guy was suspected of cheating. Of course, our math teacher is really lenient (a bit too much) and told him to keep his eyes on his test. Then Travis, just this one junior in our class, said he had a teacher who said, this was really genius, "You can look up for inspiration, you can look down in desperation, but you can never look side-to-side for information." Absolutely genius, isn't it?! That totally made my day right there. My math teacher now wants a banner that says that hanging in front of the classroom. Ahaha.

"It's the small things in life that matters, we just never pay attention to them." --JJS

Well, there's that and then something that complexes me. Out of experience and partially by my own nature, I have a tendency to avoid getting involved in things that doesn't directly effect me or causes me to face great changes. As a result, it seems to me that I've been "letting the people who are wrong always win." And I wonder, is this right? The obvious answer is, no, it isn't. But what in the world is "right"? Why must it be this way? But more importantly, is it improper of me to not take action? Will I be one of those people who don't stand up for something, therefore, no change is ever made, and thus, nothing changes. Life will continue with people living in an age of darkness. But you know, there are those people who you can just categorize as a moron. Neither logic, reason, scolds, nor lectures can convince them that they are wrong, throwing back responses that make no sense at all, and I wonder if it wrong to avoid getting into a bad situation by not trying to correct them, even if their behavior threatens others' safety? I don't know, because it seems like a waste of time and breath to try correcting these people you know won't change. Why get into arguments, why fight, and why make enemies? Perhaps because these people were enemies from the very beginning . . .
Wonders beyond wonders, and each significance different from another.

Pa-Pa-Paranoia

Mood: happy; paranoid(?)
Currently: suddenly bewildered by a chill
Listening to: silence (minus the static of the speakers, humming of the computer, the ticking of the clock, and the tapping keys as I type)

I felt a very disturbing chill after telling my friends "bye" on AIM. For a very strange, yet unknown, reason, I felt like it was the last one we'd exchange. It was like something was going to happen. What? I do not know. I don't particularly believe in magic, supernatural abilities, or a sixth sense, and thus, I'll just tell myself that I'm simply paranoid. Sad thing is that when you're paranoid, everything looks like it's out to get you and that anything can go wrong.

"The horror of communication is the fear of the end of it." --JJS

Public Crying

I saw two people crying at school.
One a special-ed boy.
Another a overachieving nerd.

The special boy started crying over something of little significance, I don't really understand what he was so upset about.

The other boy was known to be an extremely nerdy person. It was in class that he was talking to a few of his friends, and I happened to eavesdrop out of boredom. This particular person has five AP classes, or so I believe. And as a sophomore, or in any year, this is truly too much, as one of his friends put it (the one who seemed to be counseling him the most), he's on "AP steroids". He still has decent grades though. I don't know how he manages, my grades are bordering 'C's, and they will be come 'C's if I'm not careful. Anyhow, I blanked over eventually, but then another one of his friend rushed past me, to the front of the room to the tissue box. And not surprisingly, I heard a stifled cry next. I turned to see him with his hands to his eyes, hunched over the table. He was a rather cheerful person in class and it was a painful sight to see him cry. I paid more attention after this. Apparently his parents aren't even in the country, they're on the other side of the world, in fact. He seemed to have an attention problem where he just wants his parents to be home and just there. His friend made a good point about how he should tell him parents how he felt. During this time of our life, it's rather important to have your parents around since sophomore year is where most people begin to decide what road they're going to take for the future. In addition, as an Asian child, his parents have high expectations of him. His parents want him to be a doctor, or something of the sort, but apparently, even the way he's doing now doesn't make his parents proud. The depressing conversation continued, and his friend said, ultimately, "Unfortunately, your parents aren't going to be around one day. And you probably already graduated from Yale and became a doctor by that time. But when the day comes when your parents are dead, you're going to look back on your life and wonder just how much of it you were really happy. No matter what your parents think, they're going to grow old and live the rest of their life, then you'll have to live the rest of yours. In the end, it's your life, don't waste it for someone else." I blanked from the conversation once more and the background sounds came into focus. Laughing people, chattering voices, the room buzzed except for that sad corner of the room. Stupefied, I was amazed me how everyone kept moving according to their own lives, with little regard of the poor crying boy and his story of unbearable stress and unhappiness. The slow and grave time suddenly transitioned to the fast and chaotic world again. The world where people's feelings rarely touch, and understanding falls short. A cruel world where souls cry at nothing everyday.

And then the bell rang.

"Those in pain talk too much, those who truly suffer don't talk enough." --JJS

Cry of the Wind

"A fool once said, 'If happiness can only be received through pain, then I desire none.' And the fool was left with nothing but despair." --JJS
If you aren't willing to suffer to be happy, you're in just as much pain than ever before.

"If you stabbed me a hundred times with your lies, what makes you think I'll heal and pretend nothing happened." --JJS
If you lied to me constantly, what makes you think that I'll ignore them and continue believing you. If one lived after being stabbed so severely, there is no way they'd leave unscathed.

"The world sat on your shoulders and you brushed it off. The world shattered and so did you." --JJS
You had your duties and responsibilities to carry out. When you neglected them, not only did everyone stop trusting you, but there was no one left for you to rely on. There was nothing left for you.

"The demon lives in the cave that is our soul. And its blood beating to a rhyme called our hearts." -JJS
Evil is always in our souls and its always walking in stride with us, right next to us, it is us.

"The rainbow didn't lead the pot of dreams. It led to nothing." -JJS
Following a rainbow, you should find a pot of gold, gold that could help you achieve your dreams. But there was nothing. No gold. No dream. At the end of the line, there's nothing but a field of rough, short-cut grass and a crying figure that is you.

"If you thought I cared, you made a little mistake, you forgot a zero." --JJS
I don't care, and if you thought I did, it's like writing 10 instead of 100, 100 instead of 1000, 1000 instead of 10000. Basically, you failed.

"If you thought just being there for me was enough to hold up a falling pillar. You're wrong." --JJS
Listening isn't going to save one's will to live. Listening isn't a panacea to stress, pain, and suffering.

"If you're going to complain, at least take off the blinds." --JJS
Complain, go ahead, but if you're going to, stop rejecting everything the listener says, be open minded. You aren't a horse with blinds so they can only see what's in front of them. Not to mention that your listener is listening to you b---- about your life when they have their own, mine as well as let them talk, too, and not to a wall. If they're trying to think of the "bright side", I'm sure they feel just as frustrated as you if you snap back, "You just don't get it" or "No, you don't even understand what I'm talking about." If you don't think the person you're talking to understands then just shut up. Stop wasting you and your listener's time.

"Tell jokes that will make people laugh. Don't make 'jokes' that make people cry." -JJS
Jokes are jokes. Pranks are pranks. Not everyone wants to be pranked because no everyone thinks they're so funny, because they're lying jokes.

I Always Seem to Type to Blog Title Last

Here I am as always, up during unsightly hours of the morning that could also be referred to as night. I've been thinking a lot, as always, and you know, I feel very insecure. I'm not going to go on a rampage again about feeling "uneasy" and all, this is a different type of insecurity. I think. Ages and ages before on this blog, I told a tale from years before, my childhood. If I think about what I say to people, I feel like I make it overly dramatic about having no "real" friends back then. I blamed a great deal of my old friends for using me and wanting to do nothing with me when I was long overdue. But I kind of wonder if it's really just all my fault. I was happy. I really did enjoy hanging out with them, Meghan, Erin, Mary Anne, Stephanie, Tiffany, Kayla, Caroline, Jennifer, Catherine, and of course, Michelle. During the different years, I've moved on from friend to friend, and in most cases, I never really talked to my old friends from the previous grade. She'd be busy with her new friends, and I'll be busy with mine, but it never really bothered me until the fourth grade. The story is long and has been told too many times, but it's a real-life story that I felt like changed my entire view of my friends. Betrayal and blurred memories are cruel things. All I know is that, after that day, I've accused my friend at the time for using me and backstabbing me. But is what I thought happened really occur? Is everything I told myself a lie, and all the hatred built up from falsehood? Was one of the few grudges I could never let go never existent between the two of us? Then it wasn't just her, that one girl, it was all of them. I thought ill of my old friends, but wasn't it the both of us who moved on? Wrath is a sin I am guilty of. Michelle was the only one who was spared from my criticism and judgment. After all, she was the only one who'd talk to me once in a while even after kindergarten has passed. Year after another, we'd hang out once in a while. That's how she became to be my best friend, and somehow my "only real friend". This old tale gets longer when I've learned to regret what I've thought about my friends, though the story never seems to change (As I've said in a previous post, I tend to want pity. Hey, this entire post could be filled with my pity-yearning words. I can't even understand myself anymore . . .). In the sixth grade, when my sister went off to college, it got lonesome at home, and I felt bad about never making an effort to stay friends with people for over a year. And so I ventured to enforce my friendship with Michelle. Before I entered middle school, I was torn when I learned Michelle wasn't attending the same school as me. I wanted to hold onto her, the one person who never seemed to get sick of my company and the person I worked with so much so that our bond was strong. I found that our friendship wasn't so flimsy and I would go and contact Michelle occasionally over the two years. When I moved onto high school, the first thought that entered my mind was, "I can see Michelle almost everyday again." And when the school year began, I wondered. Indeed, I got to see her, talk to her, but then she'd hang out with her friends. Of course she'd make new friends. Michelle isn't a person who'd go past the years without making an effort to be around people she likes. I made friends, people who I really enjoy being around, too. But you know, they always hang out. They go to the beach, they go to movies, they have picnics and potlucks. Some days, I would just I stand behind Michelle and listen to her talk to her friends. She'd sound so happy, and the rest of them were too, laughing until their guts hurt. And sometimes I wondered if she liked being around them more than me. I'm not that cheery of a person (go figure). I try to look on the bright side, but when it comes to the "bright side" for me, it's more like the loony side. If you hang out with me a lot (I don't know who would be reading this if they didn't), don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Laughing insanely for no reason, talking nonsense and babbling weird, happy things. I know I can be happy without being a nut, but I feel like I'm just a nut anyways all the time. By the way, I'm very self-conscious about being "weird" around people I don't really know which is usually why in class, I'm as stiff as a stick--which are actually pretty bendy, depending on it's thickness. Anyhow, I'd worry if I bring Michelle down sometimes. "Live, laugh, and laugh some more." is her motto, she told me once. Every now and then, I have an insecure moment for myself to worry about my friendship with her. One of the days happened to be yesterday, by the way. Program verification day is coming up for school, which means we need to find locker buddies and such. Last year, I was Michelle's partner, and this year, I forgot about the whole thing for so long, I was worried that someone else teamed up with Michelle (Last year, I asked her several months in advance because I didn't want her middle school friends taking the opportunity. Not like I didn't/don't love you guys, Pie.). I worried all day yesterday and I finally gathered up the courage to call (Since in truth, I get nervous about phone calls.). The line was busy and I threw my phone down dramatically then proceeded by shaking my fists at the heavens. But then I had to check if my phone was still alive. Yes, I was trying to be funny when I was typing that (Although it did happen, strangely enough.). Was anyone amused? Then, today, when my dad handed the phone over to me and I was pretty surprised when I heard Michelle's voice on the other end. I was absolutely blissed that she called me to ask if I wanted to be locker buddies with her, absolutely blissed. Right now at um, 3:30AM, I'm still very happy that she wanted to be paired up with me again. She even said sorry for not really staying touch with me, which was so nice of her, especially since I basically did nothing either . . . Guilt trip. Then we had a nice little talk about what we were going to do about our locker, and yeah. After I hanged up, I was still high on relief. Then I went back to my guilt trip. I doubt Michelle at times, about if she really wants to hang out with me or not, but then she does something for me that just makes me want to slap myself for being a bad friend and doubting her. You know, after typing for so long, and now I'm really really really tired, I went from a serious typing blog person to a person who wants to put in a random comedy video that I haven't even seen. Basically, I have no idea why I'm talking about this anymore. I had to scroll up to reread what I said earlier. Insecure. Yeah, I felt insecure about my friendship with Michelle, but now it's all better. Yay! Okay, I'm going to bed, night.

Mystery so Deep, I Can't See The Bottom

"Why does the line look so short in one light and so long in another?" -JJS