Death by the Light

Butterscotch and roses; caramel and blood; whispers are screams.
^Ignore that.

Just felt like posting randomly. I don't even have much to say. And I have a rather lot of homework left to do. Well, me procrastinating doesn't surprise me at all.
"Can I BE any more lazy?" as Chandler from Friends may say.
I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to wake up in the morning at six in the morning just to face the 50 degrees Fahrenheit cold. I don't want to play football where the grass is so wet it soaks through my shoes. I don't want to sit in a room where I don't feel like I belong in. I don't want to be in a class where math equations prove nothing besides that I'm one of the four idiots in the class that couldn't get a 6/6 on the easiest opener. I don't want to have a class that is filled with annoying people who say annoying things as we do annoying work. I don't want to have a class where my teacher has to make a scene when I raise my hand because I have the least participation points in the class. I don't want to walk to the library where I'm practically hunched over my work sleeping the entire time. I don't want to do my homework that is either too easy or too hard. And no offense guys, but I don't want to dress up and run around playing all night after having class all day because the Chinese don't celebrate Halloween and art class just doesn't know what the heck a "holiday" is.
What I want? To sleep forever and never wake up. No suicidal implications here.
Basically a bunch of "don't wants" everywhere and a "I want". As if what I want matters in the world. There's a "I must" for those who want to live. And a "I want" for dreamers who think they can make it through life doing what they want to do. Those people either get lucky and succeed in "life" or those people are dying on the streets, bundled up in newspaper, because frankly, winter mornings are freezing cold, even in California.
Knowing me, I'd probably be the one dead in an alleyway, probably died from thirst/hunger or froze to death in my sleep, maybe I died from illness, perhaps the rats bit me to death.

Public Crying

I saw two people crying at school.
One a special-ed boy.
Another a overachieving nerd.

The special boy started crying over something of little significance, I don't really understand what he was so upset about.

The other boy was known to be an extremely nerdy person. It was in class that he was talking to a few of his friends, and I happened to eavesdrop out of boredom. This particular person has five AP classes, or so I believe. And as a sophomore, or in any year, this is truly too much, as one of his friends put it (the one who seemed to be counseling him the most), he's on "AP steroids". He still has decent grades though. I don't know how he manages, my grades are bordering 'C's, and they will be come 'C's if I'm not careful. Anyhow, I blanked over eventually, but then another one of his friend rushed past me, to the front of the room to the tissue box. And not surprisingly, I heard a stifled cry next. I turned to see him with his hands to his eyes, hunched over the table. He was a rather cheerful person in class and it was a painful sight to see him cry. I paid more attention after this. Apparently his parents aren't even in the country, they're on the other side of the world, in fact. He seemed to have an attention problem where he just wants his parents to be home and just there. His friend made a good point about how he should tell him parents how he felt. During this time of our life, it's rather important to have your parents around since sophomore year is where most people begin to decide what road they're going to take for the future. In addition, as an Asian child, his parents have high expectations of him. His parents want him to be a doctor, or something of the sort, but apparently, even the way he's doing now doesn't make his parents proud. The depressing conversation continued, and his friend said, ultimately, "Unfortunately, your parents aren't going to be around one day. And you probably already graduated from Yale and became a doctor by that time. But when the day comes when your parents are dead, you're going to look back on your life and wonder just how much of it you were really happy. No matter what your parents think, they're going to grow old and live the rest of their life, then you'll have to live the rest of yours. In the end, it's your life, don't waste it for someone else." I blanked from the conversation once more and the background sounds came into focus. Laughing people, chattering voices, the room buzzed except for that sad corner of the room. Stupefied, I was amazed me how everyone kept moving according to their own lives, with little regard of the poor crying boy and his story of unbearable stress and unhappiness. The slow and grave time suddenly transitioned to the fast and chaotic world again. The world where people's feelings rarely touch, and understanding falls short. A cruel world where souls cry at nothing everyday.

And then the bell rang.

"Those in pain talk too much, those who truly suffer don't talk enough." --JJS

Meaningless

I don't know.

There's always a hole between me and everyone. There will always be a void that I and no one can fill. A gap called feelings.

"I see." "Do you really?" It all started then.

When someone rants to you about something. And then you end it off with a "I see", a common, almost automatic, response, the conversation sort of dies from there. But then, that person said, "Do you really now?" Then I thought about it. Do I really know how someone feels after such an explanation? Can I truly ever understand, can anyone understand, how someone else feels?

I thought that if I wrote, I could convey my feelings to others. But in the dark room, the film of Lord of the Flies was playing, and after listening to people laugh at depressing parts, it seems closer to impossible. Although the actors weren't really in any danger, but they symbolized the feelings the author wanted to portray. Instead of focusing on how terrified Ralph was, some people laughed at his facial expression. If we were in his seat, making such a face may have been inevitable, or rather, we wouldn't have cared if our face looked weird. Does this even make sense? Is this even important? I wonder.

I used to think, actually, I came to think that my purpose in life was to listen to people, to understand them, to help them. I kind of feel like . . . my life really doesn't have a meaning to it.

"What makes your life worse than anyone out there?" My, this person makes me think a lot. But there's actually nothing to think about, because my life isn't worse than anyone I know out there. I was often told that I was perfect. Smart, pretty, skinny, nice, and all those other things. I was told my life was perfect. My parents are alive and living together, I get along with my sister, I have a home and a place where I belong.

It's so stupid. That I want to throw my life away. I want to bring forth death, but I'm too scared to. Am I subconsciously aware how ridiculous I am acting? But I want it to shut up. I want my mind to just shut up. I'm afraid of myself.

"What makes your life worse than anyone out there?" There's nothing. I have no reason. Nothing about my life is worse than anyone's. Yet I still want to die? Stupid. I can't even begin to comprehend how everyone else is enduring their life, but they're still going. If only I could give my life away. I used to joke around with friends that we should tell people who have no life to go buy one on the internet, they're free (not really, of course), but now, I kind of wish I could put my life on sale. My family, my face, my existence, I want to give it all away. Everything but my thoughts.

I recently said to a friend that I think it's pointless for him to complain to me if there's nothing I can do to solve the problem or if I can't help him feel better. He asked me why. Simply, I said, because it makes me feel like talking to me is just a waste of effort. Later he purposely asked for help on homework, then later asked, "Feel any better?" Stubbornly, I said, "A tad bit." He asked why else was I upset. I didn't reply. Because it's pointless to tell him. He can't do anything to help me and my dream. No one can because achieving true happiness is impossible. No one can be happy all the time. Everyone has to suffer, and everyone has to be sad every now and then, if not most of the time.

Ah, if I think about it, it's actually meaningless for me to say any of this. Nothing can be done about how I feel. No one can assure me that I understand how others feel. I can't even assure myself that I understand how I feel. Nobody can completely calm my suicidal and gory thoughts. I wish myself they'd go away. There isn't a person who can successfully lie to me that society is always happy. The impossible is impossible. It's a fantasy that can't be achieved. It merely pushes burden onto others or just utterly wastes their time.

Sorry, I was wrong to say life is meaningless when someone asked, "What is the meaning of life?" I'll correct myself now by saying, "My life is meaningless."

Continue Living

Eiichiro Oda is truly a magnificent genius. And for those of you who don't know, Eiichiro Oda is the writer/illustration of One Piece, my favorite anime series. Now, why is he a genius? Simply because of the world he built. One Piece is such a wonderful anime that depicts a world of evil and good from all sides. Dreams that are unimaginable that can only be achieved by, yes, helping each other. I remember a line the main character, Luffy, said in episode 42, after Arlong the merman said cockily that humans were useless beings. "Of course I don't know anything about swords! (Zoro*) I can't navigate either. (Nami*) I can't cook. (Sanji*) I can't even lie. (Usopp*) I know I need others to help me if I can keep on living!"
*Names of Luffy's current pirate crew, or his "nakama" which can be translated to family, friends, team, etc.
Anyhow, I just thought that was something significant amongst several things Luffy has said.
The One Piece world is also something I find absolutely amazing. The islands that Luffy visits are teeming with adventure and wonders. Places that are commonly overused by media and places that are so unique and original, they can put you into shock. And with each place, there's always unforgettable characters, a sad history, a unique way of life. There's so many things that makes me laugh and cry over. Too many things to mention. Just about a million things could be said about One Piece, the world Eiichiro Oda has created, but there's nothing that seems to fit how meaningful and enjoyable of a show it is to watch.
Somehow, with each episode, makes me feel like life's worth living for after all.

Cry of the Wind

"A fool once said, 'If happiness can only be received through pain, then I desire none.' And the fool was left with nothing but despair." --JJS
If you aren't willing to suffer to be happy, you're in just as much pain than ever before.

"If you stabbed me a hundred times with your lies, what makes you think I'll heal and pretend nothing happened." --JJS
If you lied to me constantly, what makes you think that I'll ignore them and continue believing you. If one lived after being stabbed so severely, there is no way they'd leave unscathed.

"The world sat on your shoulders and you brushed it off. The world shattered and so did you." --JJS
You had your duties and responsibilities to carry out. When you neglected them, not only did everyone stop trusting you, but there was no one left for you to rely on. There was nothing left for you.

"The demon lives in the cave that is our soul. And its blood beating to a rhyme called our hearts." -JJS
Evil is always in our souls and its always walking in stride with us, right next to us, it is us.

"The rainbow didn't lead the pot of dreams. It led to nothing." -JJS
Following a rainbow, you should find a pot of gold, gold that could help you achieve your dreams. But there was nothing. No gold. No dream. At the end of the line, there's nothing but a field of rough, short-cut grass and a crying figure that is you.

"If you thought I cared, you made a little mistake, you forgot a zero." --JJS
I don't care, and if you thought I did, it's like writing 10 instead of 100, 100 instead of 1000, 1000 instead of 10000. Basically, you failed.

"If you thought just being there for me was enough to hold up a falling pillar. You're wrong." --JJS
Listening isn't going to save one's will to live. Listening isn't a panacea to stress, pain, and suffering.

"If you're going to complain, at least take off the blinds." --JJS
Complain, go ahead, but if you're going to, stop rejecting everything the listener says, be open minded. You aren't a horse with blinds so they can only see what's in front of them. Not to mention that your listener is listening to you b---- about your life when they have their own, mine as well as let them talk, too, and not to a wall. If they're trying to think of the "bright side", I'm sure they feel just as frustrated as you if you snap back, "You just don't get it" or "No, you don't even understand what I'm talking about." If you don't think the person you're talking to understands then just shut up. Stop wasting you and your listener's time.

"Tell jokes that will make people laugh. Don't make 'jokes' that make people cry." -JJS
Jokes are jokes. Pranks are pranks. Not everyone wants to be pranked because no everyone thinks they're so funny, because they're lying jokes.

History of my Life

I'm almost done with homework. Shocker isn't it? I feel like I don't have as much homework especially after yesterday's little expedition. What the heck I'm talking about? So I don't even remember myself if I posted about this or not, but I got a schedule change. A bunch of people got papers saying they got a new schedule and they'll be going to those classes starting Monday. Yeah, I wasn't one of those people. Instead, Thursday afternoon, after the classes have switched around, a guy entered the room and gave my teacher a paper that claimed I haven't been in class for the last four days. You can probably figure out what happened after that. So when I entered the new class I got a worksheet reviewing Chapter 1 of the textbook, which had absolutely no relevance to what I was doing in my other class, but I decided to just deal with it. Friday and then the weekend passed by, but Sunday, I was staring at my agenda. I took note that earlier in the week, when I wasn't in the class yet, that everyone was assigned book reading, which would help prepare you for the test and the questions on the Chapter 1 worksheet asks about those chapters. It was around midnight when I thought to myself, I'll just read it tomorrow. As my bad luck likes to mock me, while suddenly remembering that my new history teacher is notorious for giving out lots of pop quizzes, we had a pop quiz based on the reading. In the end, I think I got one or two right out of ten questions. I was rather shocked that I knew the answers. Then Monday passed, and then Tuesday, yesterday, the fated day came where I had to finish the Chapter 1 worksheet, all (about) forty questions and all its glory. Not that bad, when you think about it, but there was a lot to say, and I didn't want my teacher to think of me as a lazy slob (which I am) especially after the quiz results. Thus, I resulted with six pages (only front side) of ink, sweat, blood, and history. It took me forever, but I felt impressed with myself afterwards. I'd feel even better if the skin on my ring finger wasn't peeling. Yes, that's how intense it was. Hah . . . Yeah, my point basically was to say that I had a huge amount of work yesterday, where I worked from 3PM to 2AM without even messing around. Even I'm learning to be responsible now.

Back From the Dead

Avoiding my homework as always.
I feel like I've become a real slob lately. I honestly just ignore my homework until maybe, now. Then I start homework, working until 2AM. Then at school, since I was dumb and procrastinated so much, I just sleep during lunch, since it's become a sort of routine that Victor wakes me up and then we go to Spanish (since our classes are right across from each other). Speaking of Victor, I've been talking to him more lately via instant messaging. Somehow I feel like he's the only one I talk to a lot now. Or rather, who I feel like talking to. Kevin ( if you guys don't know him, is a close friend of Victor's who is really into poetry) IMs me quite frequently, too, usually to ask me how I'm doing since I've been rather depressed lately, but somehow I don't feel like talking to him. I suppose it's because he just asks me the same questions like, "How are you doing today?" and such. Kyle will IM once in a while, too, usually to try out another psychology trick to reveal my inner personality or something. It's actually pretty interesting until he tries to pry answers from me about something that I'd rather not talk about at the moment. Normally Victor would comment on my status or something, which makes the conversation rather interesting, before we randomly turn to a different topic that ranges from homework questions to our interpretation on philosophical theories. Hrm, I wonder if my friend circle is closing down. I talk to Diana, Hee Soo, Revathi, and Yasmin on a regular basis. I haven't talked to Michelle for a while, minus the quick exchanges at our locker and 'hi's when we see each other around school. I don't speak to Pooja, Andrea, or Patricia as much anymore. I've gotten a chance to talk to Kora more now, since our street lockers are right next each other and our P.E. lockers are as well. Although I hang out with Emily and the others are lunch once in a while, I just don't seem to be very involved in their conversations. I'm actually doing my homework or sleeping there half the time. Except I have noticed that Sarah and Amanda seem to be depressed as well. I wonder what's wrong. Well, on the upside, my social circle, if not friend circle took a small step upwards since the people in journalism are friendly. Oh, since I haven't been blogging lately, I should probably say so now. Recently, people have been calling me by the wrong name. First of all, some of my friends call me Diana. It's really weird. Anyhow, by other people, my name has been altered to Jennifer and Jessica. Jennifer, I can understand. Jenny isn't a common name by itself, it's usually a short version of Jennifer. However, Jessica? A girl in my journalism class keeps calling me that, saying, "Hi Jessica," when she sees me. As an automatic response (since I saw her already) I waved. That was kind of like I acknowledged that my name was Jessica . . . I feel dumb correcting her now. Although, I attempted to once in class, but she didn't exactly hear me, which destoried the last bit of my courage. Well, all in all, my life seemed to have posted around "end" and "start" signs in my life.
Just to state randomly, I feel like my personality has greatly changed this year.