History of my Life

I'm almost done with homework. Shocker isn't it? I feel like I don't have as much homework especially after yesterday's little expedition. What the heck I'm talking about? So I don't even remember myself if I posted about this or not, but I got a schedule change. A bunch of people got papers saying they got a new schedule and they'll be going to those classes starting Monday. Yeah, I wasn't one of those people. Instead, Thursday afternoon, after the classes have switched around, a guy entered the room and gave my teacher a paper that claimed I haven't been in class for the last four days. You can probably figure out what happened after that. So when I entered the new class I got a worksheet reviewing Chapter 1 of the textbook, which had absolutely no relevance to what I was doing in my other class, but I decided to just deal with it. Friday and then the weekend passed by, but Sunday, I was staring at my agenda. I took note that earlier in the week, when I wasn't in the class yet, that everyone was assigned book reading, which would help prepare you for the test and the questions on the Chapter 1 worksheet asks about those chapters. It was around midnight when I thought to myself, I'll just read it tomorrow. As my bad luck likes to mock me, while suddenly remembering that my new history teacher is notorious for giving out lots of pop quizzes, we had a pop quiz based on the reading. In the end, I think I got one or two right out of ten questions. I was rather shocked that I knew the answers. Then Monday passed, and then Tuesday, yesterday, the fated day came where I had to finish the Chapter 1 worksheet, all (about) forty questions and all its glory. Not that bad, when you think about it, but there was a lot to say, and I didn't want my teacher to think of me as a lazy slob (which I am) especially after the quiz results. Thus, I resulted with six pages (only front side) of ink, sweat, blood, and history. It took me forever, but I felt impressed with myself afterwards. I'd feel even better if the skin on my ring finger wasn't peeling. Yes, that's how intense it was. Hah . . . Yeah, my point basically was to say that I had a huge amount of work yesterday, where I worked from 3PM to 2AM without even messing around. Even I'm learning to be responsible now.

Back From the Dead

Avoiding my homework as always.
I feel like I've become a real slob lately. I honestly just ignore my homework until maybe, now. Then I start homework, working until 2AM. Then at school, since I was dumb and procrastinated so much, I just sleep during lunch, since it's become a sort of routine that Victor wakes me up and then we go to Spanish (since our classes are right across from each other). Speaking of Victor, I've been talking to him more lately via instant messaging. Somehow I feel like he's the only one I talk to a lot now. Or rather, who I feel like talking to. Kevin ( if you guys don't know him, is a close friend of Victor's who is really into poetry) IMs me quite frequently, too, usually to ask me how I'm doing since I've been rather depressed lately, but somehow I don't feel like talking to him. I suppose it's because he just asks me the same questions like, "How are you doing today?" and such. Kyle will IM once in a while, too, usually to try out another psychology trick to reveal my inner personality or something. It's actually pretty interesting until he tries to pry answers from me about something that I'd rather not talk about at the moment. Normally Victor would comment on my status or something, which makes the conversation rather interesting, before we randomly turn to a different topic that ranges from homework questions to our interpretation on philosophical theories. Hrm, I wonder if my friend circle is closing down. I talk to Diana, Hee Soo, Revathi, and Yasmin on a regular basis. I haven't talked to Michelle for a while, minus the quick exchanges at our locker and 'hi's when we see each other around school. I don't speak to Pooja, Andrea, or Patricia as much anymore. I've gotten a chance to talk to Kora more now, since our street lockers are right next each other and our P.E. lockers are as well. Although I hang out with Emily and the others are lunch once in a while, I just don't seem to be very involved in their conversations. I'm actually doing my homework or sleeping there half the time. Except I have noticed that Sarah and Amanda seem to be depressed as well. I wonder what's wrong. Well, on the upside, my social circle, if not friend circle took a small step upwards since the people in journalism are friendly. Oh, since I haven't been blogging lately, I should probably say so now. Recently, people have been calling me by the wrong name. First of all, some of my friends call me Diana. It's really weird. Anyhow, by other people, my name has been altered to Jennifer and Jessica. Jennifer, I can understand. Jenny isn't a common name by itself, it's usually a short version of Jennifer. However, Jessica? A girl in my journalism class keeps calling me that, saying, "Hi Jessica," when she sees me. As an automatic response (since I saw her already) I waved. That was kind of like I acknowledged that my name was Jessica . . . I feel dumb correcting her now. Although, I attempted to once in class, but she didn't exactly hear me, which destoried the last bit of my courage. Well, all in all, my life seemed to have posted around "end" and "start" signs in my life.
Just to state randomly, I feel like my personality has greatly changed this year.

idek

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in this year. So firstly, my classes didn't seem to bite at me, even though I was in a rush to finish some homework in the morning. My lunch was delicious, a chicken bake from Costco. It's the ultimate lunch, I swear. Hot and crisp, yum! Soggy and squished, still yummy! That cheered me up quite a bit. Then I felt like I productively bonded with my friends today. I got to talk to Diana and such. Mingled with Emily and company. I had a chance to hang out with Hee Soo, Yasmin, and Revathi after school, since Hee Soo made me go to this cross country event. That was pretty fun. My chief editor, Janet, said hi to me afterschool when she saw me on the bleachers. I got to say hi to one of the page editors that I've gotten to know, Ryan, and cheer for him on as he ran. So that was nice.
Strangely, I feel really depressed now, though. I don't even really want to talk about it.

I Don't Know

Untitled.

I feel that the wind could stir everything.
Not one that glides across
The surface of the Earth,
But from the universe.
Under the sun,
The planets gather like rain clouds
And meteor showers
Rain on the world.
Thunder cracks.
Cracks on the sidewalk.
Light blooming,
Blooming flowers.
Roaring cries,
Crying people.
Hurricanes don't startle us more
Than the breeze of the universe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Fluttering skies.
Step.
Step.
Vibrating air.
Bang.
Bang.
Uncomfortable pain,
That's seems so small
When the universe wind blows.

Mere Fantasies

I think I've found the source of my recent depression. I think it's my parents. Not like they've done anything, but you know, they just can't as young as they were when I was in elementary school, you know? It's been pretty weird that my mom and dad's hair, for maybe the last two years, to be growing white. It's like a reminder how old my sister is, how old I am, and obviously, how old they're getting. And since my mom's in China, the house has been more quiet. No car chase scenes or Korean people shouting from the television screen. No random comments my parents make or laughing when the music is all sad. Just the humming of my motherboard and the tapping of my keyboard is accompanying me this night. Last night, the night before, it's so quiet. And so sad. I've been getting along with my father pretty well. We talk more than we would before. Maybe it's because my mom isn't around for him to talk to. The house has toned down a bit ever since my sister went to college, and I wonder if my parents will like their life with me out of their hair. Will they be happy with their freedom, or sad with the stilled air? Would they be thinking in depth about my departure? Or is their matured mind prepared and that my absence would not disturb them. But it's so creepy when they talk about retirement. They aren't that old. Then again, it's from 5-7 years difference, between my parents' ages and a majority of my friend's parents. The difference of a sixth grader and a first-year college student. Mere numbers seem too simple in my eyes, but in the eyes of my past, it seemed just way too distant. Heh, I just remembered an old fear of mine, from when I was maybe in the second grade. I used to be afraid that my parents would soon become elderly, their appearances similar to my grandparents, and that they would forget how to speak English. Somehow that became the reason why I studied Chinese. In eight years, I've grown enough to know that my silly fears won't just happen, but it's still haunting, the image of my parents old and fragile. It seems impossible for your strong parents to look like such a shadow of their past. Then there's those "Joint Juice" containers around the house that reminds you that they aren't strong and reminds you of their aches from age. If life was a neverland, we'd always be living the same roles. The rebellious child, the nagging parents, the bothersome siblings, and wouldn't it all be well? In a fantasy world.

I'm Losing the Will to Live

I wonder if spirits exist. Today, on the Chinese holiday, the Moon Festival, my dad held a small ceremony for his father, my grandfather, which he hold in the backyard every few months. My grandfather died a few years back, and my father would sometimes take the framed picture of his father to the backyard, bring food out, burn fake Chinese money, and burn incense and candles. He would go ahead burning the money, and then after he finished a package, he stands there in a moment of silence. I wonder what he thinks during that time. For the weeks after my grandfather passed away, I was not allowed to go to his funeral because of school. So at home, I'd face a corner and just sit there. I wondered if I prayed to my grandfather there, if he'd hear me. If he did, if he was there, everywhere, would he understand English? Would my poor Chinese grammar allow him to understand what I'm trying to say to him. I'd sit there just once in a while and talk to him through my thoughts. If I was at home alone, I'd talk outloud. sometimes I'd talk about my day, others I'd tell him my guilt. I wonder . . . if he's proud of me. Does he approve of my decisions, my beliefs, my actions? Will he understand why I choose to follow the path I do? My beliefs are messed up, but they're mine. Would he respect me for trying to protect what I believe?
Is he there, though? Is there an afterlife? What is the point of living if you're going to die and there's nothing? My history teacher, who's also the psychology teacher told us why she thinks different cultures have their own beliefs, or rather, why mankind try to make themselves believe there is an afterlife. She said it's because we want some sort of result from our actions on Earth. To hope those who did wrong, God, the underworld, or their next life will punish them. Those who are good are rewarded somehow. But really, there's no point in living if we get nothing. What's the point? I don't want to live if there'll come a day when there's nothing. Everything I leave behind, how much will stay. How much will keep existing on this dying world? Is there an end of the world? Is everything humans have done to improve life done nothing but to slowly destory the Earth and everything will prove in vain. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. I wonder if everything I feel is worth less than ashes. A gentle wind can stir them and a small gust can blow them away, then they're just part of the dirt we tread on. What's the meaning of life, indeed?
Speaking of my history teacher, as well as the idea of being punsihed in your next life, my history teacher also spoke of that. The Hindu belief, which I have somehow come to believe at one point in my life*, is where you will be reincarnated and depending on how heavy your sins were in your past life, that's how much you will suffer in the future. That is your punishment. She said something along those lines. I've began to wonder about how there is more unhappiness than joy (this was some other day when I was pondering this). If reincarnation is real, and what my teacher said was true, then no wonder our lives are sometimes feel like it's falling apart. This is just from a manga, but I believe it said the right words. "Our hands are stained by the blood from the animals our ancestors killed." In the next life, we were punished by what they did in the past. Then collectively, from Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Sloth, Wrath, Envy, and Pride, the so called seven deadly sins, our lives have come to how it is so far. Pain, fear, hatred, sins. Maybe our lives will continue this way. Our simple lives and our simple pains have evolved. Every step forward is a step backwards. You can't stop going forward. Every jump is a fall. Every smile is a frown. Everything is useless. Everything you do is going to ruin everything.

*My version of the "Hindu belief" was that you died, go to either heaven or the underworld. If you go to heaven, you will be forgiven by the small blunders of your life--since I don't believe anyone dies pure and free of sins except for the unborn or newborns. If you go to the underworld, you will be punished and purged. Then you'll reincarnated as a new person who'll get a fresh start.

Sharing is Caring

"Until I can reach the sky, I believe, until the next tomorrow, hey. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the music. We share the music. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one dream. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the good times. We share the good times. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one world. Getting lost in the darkness and uncovering the mystery, stopping when you can't see the destination. Umm, you and me, yes, it feels good, let's share the world. Guiding me, I feel the beat, I start walking towards it, oh yeah. Share the music, anytime. share the one dream and believe in each other. Share the good times, holding hands. Share the one world now. I keep going until I can reach the sky. Let's overcome it now, I believe in the next tomorrow, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Come on, let's go everybody, oh, we share the music. We share the music. Come on, let's go baby baby, oh, we share the one world."
Share the world --DBSK [One Piece OP 11]