The Start of Something New?

I'm here once again by impulse. I'm still pretty tired from cross country, even though I think I'm slowly getting better. I'm not saying I'm running any faster, but at least I can continue running at a pace where I don't have to walk. I'm usually pretty bad at keeping at a decent pace, but I think my judgment with that has improved. As usual, I was going to type yesterday, but laziness overtook me on that part. Anyhow, yesterday in cross country, Hee Soo finally came, even though she said she'd come a week ago. Well, she seems to be doing pretty well. Unfortunately, like a bunch of other people, she's in summer school for Health. So she has to leave before we can even do drills, nevermind ladders or weights. I'm not too sure she'd want to very much, though. Now that I think about it, I find it kind of hard, imaging Hee Soo lifting weights. But she was on the swim team, so her arms should be decently strong. When summer school starts, I hope she and my other friends in summer school will come join us (me and Revathi) in training. Huh, what else happened. Oh, I finally started cleaning my room. I only started, which means I emptied out a section of my closet onto my bedroom floor, so that wasn't really successful, but at least I did something. I don't seem to have much to say, I'll type more later. If I feel like it.

Power Shortage

I'm seriously on a power shortage. Typically, I'm rather hyper and active, even though I'm still lazy when it comes to working, but now I'm just really tired. I didn't even feel like blogging right now. But because of a random impulse to, I'm here typing. Well, it's not like you can completely blame me, cross country is pretty exhausting. Anyone who doesn't think so must not be trying hard enough. I come home, take a shower sometimes, then I go on the computer until my eyes are threatening to close on me for the next few hours, and I toss myself onto my bed and let them. I snooze for a few hours until around 1PM, usually, and I eat lunch. I watch anime on my computer as I'm eating, then I watch more anime when I'm done eating. Then I go back to sleep sometimes and don't wake up until dinner. This is becoming a hazardous lifestyle. It's unhealthy and I'm going to put on excess fat that I burned off in cross country. Basically what I'm doing is making my hard work in vain. I'm very grateful today is Friday. I can sleep in tomorrow and go to art class that allows me to just sit there for two hours and stare at my painting that I've been working on for the past four weeks, which is four days in total, since I only have class once a week. Normally it takes me only one day to finish a painting, but this one's bigger than the rest of them. I'll try to post a picture of it tomorrow. If I finish it that is. I should. I only have a few more flowers to paint and add some more details.
Putting that aside, I'll talk about my day today. It was another fun day at cross country like that blob game we were playing on Wednesday. Today was foccer, a game where we play football and soccer on the same field, at the same time. There was a frisbee in there too, being thrown around. Of course you don't have to play football, you can play soccer, vice versa, or play frisbee. The point was to just keep moving and enjoy yourself in the chaos. I thought it was pretty fun. I was just running after soccer balls that was impossible for me to catch up with and meaninglessly kicking out my legs while attempting to steal the ball. It didn't work out very well. Near the end of the game, I saw a soccer ball rolling past by a distance away, so I started to run after it. Then for a moment, I thought that I was in a dream. During that time I kind of felt like I wasn't there, like my mind blanked out. Then I suddenly realized that my face was way too close to the grass and put my hands in front of me, but I was too late to save myself. My hands were a little scuffed and the skin on the hill of my palm peeled off a bit. Except my knee was a different story. If I look at it now, there actually isn't any huge open wound or a huge part of skin was scrapped off. There's just a few small cuts, but half of my kneecap is pinkish-red, and it really, really hurts. It didn't feel as bad as before. The cross country coach dabbed some disinfectant on my knee and I stuck on the bandage my friend, Susan, got me, then I was all good to go. I left for a few minutes from blogging to go shower, and I admit, my knee didn't hurt that much as I thought it would. It did sting a little from the water, but I think that's because the biggest wound didn't close completely yet. Thankfully there isn't cross country tomorrow, because I don't think I'd want to run on my knee. I'm being a little dramatic about my little injury, but it hurts, and that's all it takes to makes me want to chicken out of practice.
Well, I talked about the future, I talked about the present, now it's time to talk about the past. Yesterday night, after staying with us for a year, my grandmother left to go back to China. I'm sad to say that I wasn't all that sad about her leaving. That's a really cold thing to say or even think. It's not like I know for certain when's the next time I'll be able to see her again. My grandfathers already died, I'm a little concerned about when my grandmothers' time is going to come. More importantly, she's family and it's not like she's ever been mean to me. I suppose I'm just a jerk like that. I'm just an unfeeling boulder that never visited her even though her room was right next door, and I never talked to her even though I said I would. There was no difference from when she was on the other side of the world. Let me talk about my grandmother for a moment. She's a short, nice, little woman. However, certain things she does annoys me without me having to think about it. Everytime I come home she'd walk out of her room and say, "You came back?" In Chinese, of course, and I'm not sure about my translationg, but it was something along that line. For some reason, after a while, it just kind of ticked off something in my mind and I was tempted to say, "Who else would it be? Dad doesn't come back until four, and Joy doesn't live here anymore." Somehow I'd hold in the nasty words and my anger would go away. But just those small acts of kindess annoyed me, and that worries me. Am I going to be this irritable person forever who gets mad at things people do, even if it was out of goodwill? Am I just going to be an uncaring person for people and never realize how much I want their company until they're gone? I'd like to blame that I can't communicate with my relatives, but I think that's just an excuse I'm pulling up to make myself sound less like a jerk. Except it is true though, my Chinese is really bad. I'm in Chinese AP in my Chinese school--I think my teachers are just too nice and letting me pass--but it doesn't change the fact that, in real life, my Chinese is low-class. I can't even understand my parents when they're talking at dinner because they're speaking way too fast and I don't know half the words they are saying. I can get a general idea what they're talking about, but I miss out on all the details, and they get annoyed if I ask them to tell me what's happening in English. I'm saying all this and complaining, but really, it's still all my fault. I don't study for Chinese school or anything, I don't practice my vocabulary or anything. Everything I learn, I give it back to the teacher (a Chinese proverb). I seriously disappoint myself sometimes. When I was a small child, I used to cry and worry that when my parents get old, like into their 60's or 70's, that they'd forget how to speak English. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it's true. You know how people get old and forget things, well, I thought since my parents aren't all that great in English (even though, I've learned in the past few years my father's pretty good in English; he used to help my sister write her first-rate essays for college) that they'd forget how to speak English and I wouldn't be able to talk to them anymore. At that time, I worked harder in Chinese school because I thought that if my parents forgot how to speak English, I'd just learn Chinese. What happened to that child, I wonder? Who am I now? A nasty, lazy bum who may have better common sense, but I feel like I was a better person when I was ignorant, innocent, and hard-working. I sometimes look at my pictures hanging on the wall, where I was still in elementary school. I know now that I wasn't a nice person, being a bully and all, but I used to be a person who was decently happy with herself. I was stupid and mean, but I used to be glad to be me. I'd have those moments where I'd wish I'd disappear, like in band, I really don't want to talk about that right now, but out on the playground, even though I was lonely, even though people didn't like me, I was proud to be who I was. Now, I don't even want to look at myself in the mirror. I disgust myself so much with my habits that I fail to change, even though I realized my faults years ago.

Add Water to My Life with a Dash of Salt and You Get Randomness

I was supposed to blog Monday, but apparently I was too busy being lazy to type. So I'm going to type about what's happened since Monday in one mass blog entry.
So on Monday, I went to cross country practice as usual, I don't remember anything particular or special about that day. Just another day of running where I felt like I was way too slow, and yet I was exhausted from trying so hard to keep in sight of the person in front of me so I don't get lost. It's a pain to be slow and have no sense of direction. I can't let let yourself fall behind or else I'll probably end up wandering around the wrong side of town--it's happened before, just not in cross country--but that means pushing myself way beyond my limit. Overworking is good, because if you're always easy-going, you'll never improve, but I feel like I could cut off my legs and it wouldn't hurt as much. I think I'll just go to Group D and work up from there. I'd hate to lower myself to that degree but I think I'll end up ticking myself off if I keep whining to myself everytime I'm running. Well, after getting home and taking a really nice shower, I took a nap. I woke up to eat lunch and then the event I was waiting for: going to Michelle's house to watch movies. Hee Soo was talking to me and Michelle about movies and realized that we have no idea what she's talking about. Since she was outraged how we haven't watched a lot of movies she liked, we decided to have a movie marathon. We wanted to make the event bigger by inviting Diana, Revathi, Yasmin, and Susan, but only Diana could make it. It was a pity the other three couldn't come, though, it was fun. So, when I got to Michelle's house, Hee Soo was already there. We waited for Diana by playing Super Smash Bros on Michelle's GameCube. I epically lost, but it was fun anyways. Then, Michelle tried calling Diana again and found that she got off the bus near her house, the only problem was that she didn't know exactly how to get to Michelle's house. So the three of us left to go fetch her. Michelle, the kind person she is, offered me her sister's scooter since I was complaining earlier that day about being sore from cross country. I don't really know how to ride a scooter, but after lots of laughs and freaking out, I got the hang of it. Diana laughed at the fact that I was riding a little pink scooter, but it was all good. I thought it was pretty hilarous when I first saw it, too. If only there were ribbons on it. Anyhow, we got back to Michelle's house and got started with that marathon. We first watched Transformers. It was pretty good, I liked the graphics and everything, even though I had little of a clue what was going on. Since we all wanted a break from staring at the television, we went into the backyard. Michelle's backyard had a pool and she said we could bring our swimsuits, but in the end, only Hee Soo brought her's. Instead, we just kicked our feet in the water, threw some toy animals in the water, scooped them out of the water with a long net, held the net up in the air above the pool and tossed the animals in it, like it was a basketball hoop, for money. Hee Soo owed me thirty dollars, but since that's pretty outrageous for throwing a plastic toy in a net, I told her that if we all go swimming that she'd have to pay for my entrance fee. I surprise myself, I'm pretty stingy about money sometimes. Well, after doing more random stuff like getting each other with a squirt gun, we went back inside to watch Click. I thought it was pretty interesting, even though the outcome was pretty obvious. I liked the ending, though, before the happy ending, because I thought it was touching that Micheal would rather die than have his son repeat his past mistakes. I don't really want to go into it since whoever is reading this might be planning to watch it themselves. I personally hate spoilers, it ruins the fun and excitement.
Tuesday morning, I had a strange dream that worried me a bit. I don't recall where it was all taking place, I think it was at school. I was talking to my friends when they told me that hated me. Then they ran off, wanting nothing to do with me. I ran after them, but then they just vanished. I spent the rest of my dream wandering around, looking for people, but I wasn't sure who. I talked to a lot of random classmates, but no one ever seemed to be the one I was looking for. My dad shook me awake at that moment. In my dream, it seemed to me that I missed school and everyone there more then I claim to be. I don't partiularly like to admit I'm lonely. When I was in the sixth grade, when my sister left for her first year of college, I thought, Joy's going to be off on her own; I wonder if she'll be lonely without me, Mom, and Dad. When she came back home for a visit, a few weeks later, she looked pleasantly happy. Her roommate's great, her classes are a bit hard, but she likes her classes, and she enjoys walking around on campus. Probably, a hidden part of her was lonely, but back then, I thought that she wasn't sad at all about leaving us. And so, I thought, if Joy doesn't miss us, then I won't miss her. It was inevitably obvious that I did though. There was never anyone to talk to me and I'd always get into an arguement with my parents if I tried talking to them. I'd talk to my stuffed animals at home, to myself at school. People thought I was a freak for talking to myself. I don't understand why people think those who talk to themselves are weird, I think they're just lonely. It may seem like we're talking to an imaginary person, but it's just that there's no one willing to recieve those words besides ourselves. We could talk to ourself in our minds like most "normal" people, but, to me, I was afraid to stop talking to myself, because everything around me would be eeriely quiet. Now, though, I'm better at appreciating the silence. There's no need to fill in every blank. It's not necessary to answer every blank in life because there are no answers known. The world is filled with infinite mysteries making life a huge, complicated mystery itself. "The man who strives to solve the world's infinite mysteries is a fool."
Tuesday morning, there was more cross country. Yasmin ran with me today out of pity and was bugging me to run faster. At least I didn't walk, so I guess that's an achievement. Then, at night, we met again at dance class. We don't really talk much in class, there's not anything to say, if you ask me. She said she was looking forward to dancing with me in class again, but I actually don't know what's the big deal. If you ask me, it's more fun running with her than dancing.
Wednesday at cross country was pretty fun. We ran for fifteen minutes and then we played a game called "Blob". We have a partner, mine was Revathi, and we have to have our arms linked or we have to hold hands, either way, we have to stay together. There's one pair, though, that has to tag other people, then they have to join the link of people, forming a "blob of people". The downside was that we ran and played on the grass, so my feet were soaked. It was okay, though, I just had to wash my feet when I got home. Around 2PM, my mom and I went to the library to sign up for the summer reading program, as we do every year. I mean, come on, it makes me read and I get free prizes at the end of it. The summer reading program is awesome! Anyhow, after that, we went to Ross, since my mom had to return some clothes and we looked around for clothes.
Well, that was pretty much all the excitement that happened that last few days.

Toc Toc by Lee Hyori

My title (Toc Toc by Lee Hyori), which people can't see with this blog format, is what it is because I was planning to talk about my day, and that kind of sounded like time tocking by. I felt the need to explain myself. Well, anyhow, first of all, I'd like to express how proud I am of myself of still posting in this blog. What I mean is that, I've had other blogs and I used to keep diaries, all that I failed to keep up with. However, I'm actually blogging in this one almost daily, more than one post a day a lot, too. Too bad I still have the huge case of being too lazy to type. Well, I'm here.
Allow me to talk about my day. Or the day I had yesterday, since it's past midnight.
So I went to bed at 2AM and woke up at 6PM, so I basically slept through the entire day. My day was a huge epic fail. Just kidding. I awoke at around 6AM for cross country. It was the first day of summer training and, in the end, I figured it'd do me some good to join again. Anyhow, it was okay. I was the last one in my group and lapped by people in group A, but whatever, I haven't ran long distance in ages. Now I'll remember to pay attention to run with group C, rather than B, next time. When I was almost done running, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack because my left shoulder started to hurt like crazy, but it was a false alarm. It'd be really sad if someone my age had a heart attack, but wouldn't a normal person, who doesn't exercise a lot, freak out if your left arm felt random pangs of pain and your heart is pounding really hard? Maybe it's just me and I'm just that paranoid about my health right now. Probably. Anyhow, continuing on about the day, we did drills, they were fun, I was sad there wasn't and ladders (drills involving an image painted on the floor that looks like a ladder; it's used to help your speed) or weights today after practice. However, on the up side, we went to Carrows with the team for breakfast! It's a Western restaurant, I believe, but I love it there. I went there with Yasmin and met two freshmen who sat with us. I don't know how to spell their names, but it was like, Genis and Samas. Something like that, they were rather unique names. I had a chicken steak with sausage gravy, hash browns, sunny side up eggs, and toast. I also had hot cocoa that I didn't order. I asked for just water, but I guess they decided to make me pay more, since I couldn't resist taking it after it was in front of me. The whipped cream tempted me. I was really full afterwards. I normally don't eat much for breakfast, just a cookie or two and some milk, but it's always nice to have a big breakfast once in a while, too. Well, I went home and went online to talk to my favorite poet, Kevin. I think he really gets it, what it takes to be a poet. I just think he overestimates how well I can feel things through the words of poetry. Well, there was more talking with other people, Facebooking, playing a download game my sister bought online, and then I fell asleep. Even though I was really full in the morning, I was planning to eat lunch still. Then I realized I woke up at 3PM. My family normally eats dinner at 6PM, so I decided to just skip lunch, which is a pity; I like lunch the best among the other meals. Don't ask me why, because I don't know either. The rest of my day was pretty boring. I started the math homework my sister assigned me, but so far, it's really easy and boring. Maybe I can convince her that I don't need to do practices on the addition, aubtraction, multiplication, and division properties. Currently my sister is in China for vacation with her friend from college, Kara. Maybe I'll skip it and talk to her about it when she comes back in two weeks.
I felt like I had much more to say about my day, but apparently not. Oh, by the way, the song I'm currently listening to, Haru Haru by Big Bang, is really good. I recommend it.

Angel-Tear Moments

It's pretty late, 12:47AM. I was too busy goofing around on Facebook to blog about this earlier, but I'll just do it now. Well, today was my friend, Tanya's, graduation from Whitney high school. She was a valedictorian and everything. She's just like my sister, isn't it a shame that I can't follow in their footsteps? Oh well, self-satisfaction is more important? Yeah, I'm not very pleased with myself, so that kind of failed already. Anyhow, as I was saying, her graduation. I hold a bit of a grudge towards Whitney students because they're so exclusive with their students, I really don't like some of the people my age there because they just used me for their purposes in elementary school, and most importantly because my parents always wanted me to go there. They wanted me to be this smart, overachieving child like my sister. Big laugh right there. Well, today, as I listened to the valedictorian speeches, I felt touched by their words and almost cried. It's pretty embarrassing with my sister on one side and my piano teacher on my other. Since my old piano teacher teaches Tanya, too, so she was invited along to the ceremony. My piano teacher's really cool, she's really involved with her student's lives, but not in a nosy way. She's like a second mother to us. Unfortunately, I had to disappoint her as well by never practicing the piano, always messing up during the recitals and crying in front of the judge like an utter fool, then I just quit. Man, I'm really chewing myself out today. Anyhow, as I attempt to get back on track, the speeches were wonderful. I wish I was able to quote their words about happy endings and new beginnings, able to quote their words with the same amount of spirit as they had at the podium. One said how when people think of Whitney, they think of nerds, but that particular valedictorian loved basketball. However, due to an unfortunate event, he was put in the hospital. "I awoke with not only my family around me, but my friends and my basketball team. Even though I was told I probably wouldn't be able to play basketball this year, with my friends' and team's encouraging words, I didn't lose hope." He talked about the bonds of the family-like sport teams and that even though, to his great dispair, he was unable to play his in his final basketball season of high school, he was able to gain something greater. He was able to become greater friends with his teammates, ones that would last a life time. His speech, even though I loved Tanya's, was the best in my opinion, and sticked in my mind. Well, before the valedictorians, an English teacher had a speech of his own for the graduation address. It was just as grand. His words were funny and touching at the same time, filled with emotion for the students he watches walk away every year. Some come back. Some don't. I wondered about my graduations. We'd all be walking away on different paths. Who knows when or if we'll be able to meet again, my friends and I. But the English teacher, staying true to the subject he teaches, wrote a poem to his students called "The Garden". I wish very much that I was able to absorb every word he said. This isn't even a close imitation of his words, but it's like a blend of what I thought he said and what I thought he meant: "All of you started as seeds that teachers have watered everyday, and look at you grow into trees. I still think of the moments when we were together in class, laughing together, although most of the times you were all laughing at me. But I'll really cherish the times we talked outside of class and were able to get to know each other. And although I may never see you again, I'll look up towards the sun and look for your leaves." Maybe my dad recorded his speech. If that's the case, I'll try to post it up on here, or at least type out his words.
I hope, and yet, I'm sure, I'll meet my friends again, after we've seperated ways. Even if we don't, I'll still remember them vividly in my memories. If not my memories, my heart. I'll look up at the sky every now and then, just to think of them, even for a moment, and wondering if they're thinking of me. Whether we're close friends or distant, I'll remember them and hold tight onto the precious times we've had together. Even the people I said that I hated, the ones who go to Whitney. I still remember them, all the times we've had together in elementray school at recess. Even though I felt like I flipped through friends like the wind to an open blank book. One or two new friends a year, just people I'd hang out with during recess. If not a new friend, there was Michelle, the one person I felt that really understood me behind my violent exterior and liked me because I was me. Not for my food nor for my pens or pencils. She wanted to hang out with me because I was Jenny, as I wanted to be around her because she was Michelle. Even if it's Michelle, my best friend, I wonder if she'll remember me in ten, twenty, thirty years. We'll go to different places, meet new people, make new friends, maybe find someone we'll love for the rest of our lives. However, I'm confident that I won't forget. And hope they'll remember me once in a while, too, my friends, my classmates, everyone. I don't count on it, but I hope and, although I do not believe in God, I pray.

Final Survival?

So, as I was saying in my previous post, about my Futures finals. It was pretty interesting. Our teacher was all telling us to bring a newspaper, but we sure didn't see his test coming! Apparently we were in this desert and in groups of twelve, we had to make a freestanding shelter out of newspaper from the sun and everyone has to sit under it in order for us to pass. We got time to plan beforehand, but after that, we couldn't talk or write down what to say. We all went outside with our newspaper and started the challenge. My group did surprisingly well. We did the best, but it wasn't technically "freestanding" since we taped it to the floor. We were at loss at how to make that crazy thing stand by itself so we just taped it to the floor. Another group had to hold up parts and the last group didn't finish within the twenty minute time limit. It was pretty fun, too. We all cooperated in silence, though we couldn't help ourselves to blurt out some words. Thankfully the teacher wasn't around to fail us for that. I don't know why, but I felt the need to record that moment. A newspaper fortress seems interesting, does it not?

One More Day, Huh?

Just one day remaining. Yes, I have one more day left of school left. Am I happy or sad? I can't say I'm excited for the school year to end. Some of my teachers were really cool and I felt like I learned a lot from them, as well as had lots of fun. Then again, I'm kind of looking forward to the summer. No homework, more time to force myself to work on my stories and paintings. Of course, I'm probably going to end up goofing around most of the time. Hopefully, since my sister is going to be tutoring me over the summer, I won't be a complete lazy bum over the summer. Since I failed to think of anything else for my pros and cons list, allow me to talk about my plans or goals for the summer. Firstly, as my mother reminded me just a moment ago, I planned to clean out my closet of neglected toys that I never play with anymore, donate the good ones and toss out the bad ones. Since my closet is mostly filled with toys my sister and I have accumulated during childhood, I think it's going to be pretty empty once I'm done with it. I'll probably move my books in there, I guess, since the bookshelf is getting a little limited. My sister brought back even more books after coming back from college, since she graduated and all. My room has been really crowded since she came back. Well, anyhow, I also really want to make some serious progress on my current writing project. I have only 18 pages. I hope I'll be able to write a long, meaningful novel. Quality and quantity. I want to get up to at least 30 pages by the end of the summer. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it, but it's worth a shot. I also want to go on a painting rage on all flower decorations we have. Except quite a few of them are really complicated looking. I'm still going to be taking art class over the summer so maybe my skills will improve during that time, which is another hope of mine.
I still need study for my Biology finals tomorrow. A bunch of people have been telling me it's really hard, so that worries me. I need to do some serious studying for this final, no cramming like I did with the other tests. With that, I'm off! (I'll come back to report on my finals for Futures later, it was really fun)